Fuck I gonna do now? The whole world saw me break a bottle on Chardae. It all her fault. She made me do it. I wanted to wait, told her to wait, so we could fight later, where no strangers could get in our business. I didn’t know nobody there. They better not know me. Fuck her for making me snap. If it weren’t for her, I’d have more sense.

I can get through this, just won’t wear the same clothes for awhile. Won’t be easy, but I gotta do it. Oh, my fucking God, fuck her for making me not look my best.

Fall back, Nevaya, stop thinking about that bitch. Don’t let her slice open your brain and spit in your mind. I beat her down, so until I hear from her again, I’m a pretend she don’t exist. So fuck you, Chardae, I ain’t trying to think about you. Why Chardae never think before she act?! She think she hurt me with her shit, but all she do is lean her head out a moving car, spit up and hit her own ugly face.

Donyair got my back. He probably home by now. I need to see my brother. He’ll make me laugh and sing again. We get each other through so much. We tight, nobody tighter. Donyair tell me everything. We tight with Tamir, but he almost never wanna let us know what be going on in his head. He never seem to know what to say. But even with Tamir not talking much, it still my brothers and me against the world. I just turned seventeen, Donyair eighteen, Tamir nineteen. We all grown-ass men and women. Nobody better tell us shit.

Donyair ain’t home yet. Just mom in the kitchen, fixing a hamburger. Years ago, the last time mom ever saw a doctor, she got told her blood pressure through the roof, so she had to go on a vegetarian diet. But mom wasn’t trying to hear that. Said nobody tell her what to eat. She gonna eat what Nana ate. Then she yelled at the doctor for disrespecting Nana, saying her food wasn’t good enough. She threatened to smack the shit outta that doctor for lying on Nana’s food like that. The food Nanna dragged to the table by ripping her soul down to the bones and just kept ripping until her babies were fed, ripped until her blood vessels clawed up and slowly strangled her. Security threw mom’s ass out.

I was three when Nana died. What I knew about her was what Mom told me. Always tell me how wonderful Nana was. Sometimes I wondered how well they’d get along if Nana still alive.

Burger flipped and sizzled. Mom was shaky, full of wine. She drank so much I never wanted to touch a drop. Grapes sour, brain sour. Everybody say if you mom and dad drunks, you gonna be a drunk, too. Fuck them. I’ll find my own way. Just to prove them wrong, I’m a make sure that don’t happen. Wish Nana could be here. Can’t even remember her face.

Mom look me over like I did something wrong. “Nevaya, whatever it is, stop crying.”

“I’m not crying.” I’m too strong to cry. She must be crazy. You never saw me cry, did you? Mmm hmm, I didn’t think so.

“Girl, don’t you cry at me. You got nothing to cry about. You can’t give your mom even a little smile. You a misery soon as you walk in the door.” She stared at me, frowned, then turned back to her burgers. “I was right to name you Nevaya. It mean heaven backwards, and that what you are.” Flipped over the patties again. Jumped back when a drop of oil burned her. “You came from hell, tore open my pussy pushing your way out and just kept on ruining my life. You dad ain’t nothing, and you ain’t nothing, neither.”

Cold, hard stone. Silent. She wasn’t getting a thing outta me. No crying. No yelling. Nothing to let her know I heard a single word she said. I was not her falling- apart kick toy.

“Bitch, you ain’t too good to talk to me.”

Oh, hell, yes, I am. I will keep telling myself that til I believe it. Block her out. Don’t run away, or she gonna think she won. Just block her out.

“Bitch, you heard me talking to you.”

Cracks in the ceiling. Plaster flaking.

“You just as thankless as you can be. Nevaya, you better look at me if you know what good for you.”

Years of cigarette burns on the carpet, burns thrown all over one end of the couch. You’d think mom wanted to burn our house down.

“This my house, you little smut! When I talk to you, you better recognize and give me the respect you owe me!”

Electrical cord in mom’s hand. She ran fast as me when I’m mad. I knew what she gonna do. Anyone else be blood on the wall. But I never fought back against my mom. Cord slashed my skin. I screamed once. She didn’t care. Hand raised. Cord flew and ripped. I still didn’t hit back. She walked away. After my one scream, my face gave away nothing. Fuck me for letting out that scream. She never gonna see me cry again. I’m too old for this. Didn’t bleed so much this time. I’m a get a towel, wash off, everything be good.

She walked away, didn’t even look at me, and took her burgers off the pan. If I wanted dinner, I’d have to make it myself.

Fire cutting my soul down past my marrow.

I will have to kill her one day. They ain’t no choice.