That night, I had that dream again. Every time, I run down the hall and shove a kitchen knife in mom’s belly, slice open her womb and crawl back in, try to breathe water again and lock out the world. But her belly water turns to acid. I try to claw away, but the acid eats my skin, slowly dissolves my eyes. My nails rip through her uterus walls. I’m in the dark but feel my bloody hands squeeze against her heart and liver. Squeezing my fists tight as I can, I slowly crush her, her and my blood flowing all over me, plasma and pus running down my fingers. The dark laughed. Deafening, broken glass shards.

Every time, for all the crushing and slashing I do, mom just laughs and yells, “You can’t beat me! You never get the best of me! You ain’t nothing, and you ain’t ever gonna be nothing!” The more I try to hurt her, the more she laughs. When I wake up, I always hold my cats until they squirm and jump away. They like the hugs, but they gotta claw and tear free cause they hate not being in control.

I don’t know if I ever dreamed about my father. If I did, I forgot the dream soon as I woke up. Maybe I dreamed about him all the time and just never wanted to remember. He ain’t nothing, just an invisible shadow trying to blot me out from many miles away. Cold, hard fingers, no heart, eyes or ears. Fuck him, keep him far away. Pretend he never born. Pretend my DNA still a load of cum and I blow his dick apart jumping out when he got his nut with my mom. Bits of his tore up dick stuck on the walls and ceiling. Let him lie there screaming til he bleed to death so he can’t hurt nobody else.

Before Dad disappeared, he lost his mind, told everyone he could talk with the dead. Wouldn’t shut up about it, even though nobody was trying to hear him. Kids at school made fun of me for that, kept getting in my face and whispering that they could see dead people. So I whipped enough asses to make them stop saying that shit. Never kicked his ass for telling all those lies. Wish I did, but I probably wouldn’t. It too late now, so it don’t matter.

Both my cats curled up together on a blanket on the dresser. Peaceful, soft swirls of fur. I can watch Leopard and Mouse and pretend they ain’t no world outside of my walls. I take care of both of them. They happy and never stab me in the back. Both strong and independent, like pets supposed to be. I got they back, already broke my cousin’s arm when he got out his lighter and tried to set Leopard on fire. That bitch screamed and ran out. He never fucked with us again.

Forget about all that. Pretend my room part of the park. Leopard and Mouse run free, grown huge, bigger than real leopards. The whole park belongs to us, and we can do what we want. I ride on Leopard’s back, a hundred miles an hour, wind in my face. Powerful furry legs throwing us across the park, feet breaking open the ground. I lean forward, rest my chin on his head so I can see what he see. Mouse right beside us. We all free, running forever, the smell of blood in the wind, chains stomped to dust.

We break out of the park, tear down the city streets. Everybody screams and jumps to get out our way. Even the police too scared to mess with us. Leopard and Mouse run side by side. I stand up, stand tall and proud, one foot on each of they backs. Keep my balance and don’t fall, don’t even stumble. Then I jump back and forth between my strong wildcats, hold onto them as they run faster than the cars. Together, we run up and down the skyscrapers. Our powerful feet crack the glass and dent the metal, til we stand on top of Liberty Place, over nine hundred feet in the air, my arms and legs wrapped around the top of its thin metal antenna, and look down on our kingdom. Mom, Chardae, Price, the school, all of em nothing but ants. We could crush them all underfoot, and nobody ever get in my face again. We roar powerful enough to knock buildings over. Take the whole world down with us.

I stared at my bedroom ceiling, still smiling about how nobody can beat me. Not ever again. Donyair’s voice jumped up to me as he made it home. I kept floating awhile longer on my vision that one day, I’m a jump up those buildings for real. I ain’t gonna tell nobody before I actually do it. Leopard crawled all over me. They say cats ain’t friendly like dogs, but this one is. She helped me get through the day. Hold her and pet her long as she can stand it, long as her purr keep recharging me. Life can be good sometime, but only sometime. You can only let your guard down around your own people, and likely not even then.