Got tired of waiting for the bus home. Over half an hour, and the only bus I saw all packed full and wouldn’t stop. I didn’t mind the long walk, but I felt too exposed out here. This ain’t my neighborhood. Need to hide. Don’t want no eyes on me if I don’t know what they thinking. I finished my chips and tossed the bag over my shoulder.

“You fucking teabagging bitch!”

How she be walking around after just a few days? I thought I beat her down proper. Oh, she Aeyana, not Chardae. Aeyana ain’t never been her own bitch, so I ain’t surprised I took her for Chardae. Don’t either of them know no other words?

“Bet you thought you hurt her, but she be back on her feet soon.” Sound like Chardae had a few stitches on her face, some swelling, definitely not half-dead the way I figured. I must of been just a little less right than normal. Motherfucker, I was sure she was down. She need to know when to stay down. Can’t let her surprise me again. Aeyana stared at me like she knew something. I never saw her try one thing all by herself. Aeyana and Chardae’s other friends must of been right around the corner, just waiting to jump me. Think they gonna surprise me and then beat me. Oh, hell, no.

Aeyana couldn’t stand me not looking at her, so she yelled, “Bitch, you too busy taking you brothers up you ass to know how to fight!” Why they have to talk the same, steal each other’s busts?

“Fall back, bitch, or I’ll break another bottle in you ugly face!” Don’t give her no control. She ain’t gonna use no words to make me lose my mind. I ain’t never touched my brothers, so I ain’t give a fuck what nobody say. How retarded those girls gotta be to think my faggot brother wanna poke me?

“What bottle? You ain’t carrying nothing!”

“Don’t’ smile at me! You don’t know how to do nothing but fight, and you can’t even do that!”

That smut actually kept on smiling at me, like she just won a big prize. “Oh, my fucking God. Who you talking to? I can’t do nothing but fight?! You got some nerve saying that, Nevaya.”

“Don’t say my name.”

“You ain’t my mom. Nevaya Nevaya Nevaya! Besides, you know I’m right, otherwise, you wouldn’t a tried to change the subject.”

I couldn’t believe I kept falling into this pattern. Felt like a robot, programmed to say the same stupid shit. Even if I tried to say something new, the same old shit be spitting out both our mouths. Robots trapped on a crazy train running three hundred miles an hour, and we can’t never step off. Program always ordered us to not lift our feet to try to step off, to not even think we could step away.

We sounded like we six years old. I couldn’t remember what made us hate each other in the first place, but we did hate, so nothing else important. They ain’t no making peace. If I tried that, if I found wherever Chardae resting up and said I wanted to end the fight, I’d look weak, and Chardae’d tell everyone she won. I wasn’t having that. Nobody beat me. But I ain’t got time to let her friends act the fool in my face, neither. So I kept walking. No more robot shit. “Bitch, you ain’t even worth my time.”

“Yup, I knew Miss Nevaya Teabaggin’ Nevaya Bitch Nevaya too soft to take us in a fair fight. You ain’t got no weapon now, so you nothing. You hear me? Nothing! All you can do is show you ass!” She still programmed, couldn’t stand to change nothing, no matter if it killed her.

“Fall back. Get the fuck outta my face before I break you head off, too!” It felt like I didn’t even need to be there to say what I done said a million times already. But if she didn’t get out of my face, I really would slice her head off.

A police car turned the corner, drove toward us. I kept walking away from Aeyana. Walked like everything normal. Police could be here for anything. Almost glad to see them, cause Aeyana actually shut up her big ditch of a mouth. I should make today a holiday every year. Except nobody’d believe Aeyana ever been quiet.

Didn’t see or hear none of her friends. Couldn’t see her no more, neither. Mmm hmm, she didn’t want to face me by herself. Used the po-po as an excuse to walk away, pretend she wasn’t a punk. She crazy, but not crazy like Chardae. Car moving slow. Looking out the side of my eye. Don’t turn around. One of the officer’s eyes on my ass. Huh. Let him look, he ain’t getting none. I want him to try that again when he alone with no car.

That ugly, cold rectangle of metal and glass so slow. Get the fuck outta here. You police got no idea who I am, and you better not find out. Two white people in a car on 20^th and Diamond ain’t never been up to no good.

Car turned around another corner, left me behind. Just me on the road. Nobody else dare. Not even footsteps around to show Aeyana ever here. Police made her run away scared. Maybe that something I can use later.

Some drunk fuckhead saw me, threw out his nasty tongue and grabbed his dick through his falling-down drawers. “Hey, shorty, get over here. You know you want some of this!” All the old broke-ass man bitches keep chasing after me, thinking they gonna charm my pants off when they say, “You so young.” Yeah, I know I’m young, motherfucker, that the only reason you said a word to me. Y’all old enough to be my dad, and you the nasty smuts who need a babysitter.

“Sure, I want it. I got me a big dull rusty knife. I’ll slice you nasty thing off and nail it to my wall. Come on, let’s see it! You done offered it to me, so pull it out!” I shoved my hand into my jacket pocket. “That right, pull that motherfucker out! One-minute man like you probably shoot you load before I even start slicin’!”

You never saw a drunk run away so fast. “You a crazy bitch!”

Now that what I like to hear.

Somedays, I don’t wanna fight with Chardae no more. It don’t do me no good. But other than killing her or one of us moving, I don’t know a better way to end it, so I gotta end it the way everybody do. I can’t just give up and look soft in front of the whole world. She won’t stop being a bitch. So this shit gotta keep happening. No end. No light. Rivers of blood pouring more sins through us.

What could I say to her? Ain’t nothing worth saying. She too stupid to understand, all she do is throw my words back in my face.

I sure as fuck never gonna tell a soul what I thought right then. Nobody could understand. Well, maybe Donyair and Tamir, but nobody else deserved my trust. All those faggot and dyke nigger oldheads telling me how I should act. Bet they never been in a fight. Life was easy then. Everything different. Oldheads don’t know what it like now. Fuckheads hating up a firestorm in my mind, mad dogs and rats feasting on my soul, face deep in my liver, making me fight.

But I’m a long, sharp knife. The rats try to chew me, they tongues get split open. I can make the devil himself bleed to death. Chardae and Aeyana better recognize, better learn to fear.

Long walk home. Every step on the concrete made me madder. My shoes pounded out a dance beat. My heart pumped fury. Chardae dead. Pump that beat. Chardae dead. Pop that booty. Chardae dead. Nothing but trash all up and down the sidewalk. That is a shame. Chardae still dead. That ain’t no shame at all.

Stomped on my front steps, kicked open the door. Donyair walked toward me, about to say something. “Donyair, don’t talk to me. I love you, but my day done gone to shit, and I don’t wanna snap at you.”

My brother gave me a quick, tight hug. “Thanks for the warning. I’ll go listen to music. But you better talk to me when you ready, or I’m a have to get in you face.” Kissed my cheek, and he shut the door to his room.

See, Donyair always knew when I needed my space. He helped me more saying nothing than other folks did preaching a whole fucking library at me. I’d a snapped years ago without him having my back.

I love my faggot brother. Don’t need no normal niggas around no more. Donyair got my back, I got his. He know how to fight, too. Now that what I call a secret weapon. Nobody think an effeminate boy can fight, so they get too confident, then they get a big surprise upside they head. Even niggas who saw Donyair fight still won’t believe a faggot can be tough. They little minds can’t take it. They think, no, this can’t be happening. I ain’t no punk’s punk. They wanna keep it real, but they can’t take it that real. Reyod shit his pants when Donyair put a foot in his ass. I liked to die laughing, that was so on it. Nobody get over on us. He a sweet, tenderhearted young bol who cut you off at the knees if you make him snap.

I wish our big brother Mhyrane still with us. He wanted to be a man, joined a gang. Thought it was fun at first, felt he belonged there, didn’t know no other way to be a man. But he started hating the things he had to do, tried to leave. Bullet in his forehead.

I knew who did it, too. Never said a word to the police. Not doing nothing for my brother made me feel some kind of way, but they ain’t no choice. I could do nothing or die. That ain’t no choice.

After the trial, the police wouldn’t have my back, and I’d get capped. Adults lie all the time, say to trust folk in charge. I ain’t trying to hear that mess. Gimme the truth. Better to eat my lunch naked, no sauce.

Nobody better touch the brothers I still have. I ain’t trusting nobody enough to get close. Everybody else, if you different at all, if you show up in public as youself, they think you trying to be like white people, or you gay or just crazy. Fuck they tiny, mean little minds that done lost they minds. I be who I am, got Donyair’s back so he can go on being who he is.

Donyair in his room, dancing to his song. Cramped room, laundry and candy wrappers on the floor. Kelis poster on the wall. That made me smile, melted the poison from the day. There only us now. I leaned against his door, looked around the corner at him and smiled the biggest smile I had felt all day and called out, “Hey, make some room for me on that dance floor.” Today, Donyair’s room more fun than any club. We danced our own steps, and nobody busted on us.