Stage is bare except for two wooden library chairs. One is center stage left and one is center stage. They nearly face each other but are angled toward the audience.

Lights come up.

Her is seated casually in the chair stage left dressed fashionably in black.

Him is standing stage right facing away from her, chin in hand. He paces and gesticulates during the scene.

Him: I’m in such distress. This is so awful.

Her: Well, you’ll get over it. I won’t

Him: No, I don’t think I will. I loved you. I thought about you day and night. I don’t think I ever cared about anyone so much in my life.

Her: You didn’t love me. You loved some fantasy and you put it all on me. But it wasn’t me.

Him: You always say that. And I don’t know how to make you see that it isn’t true. You aren’t inside my head. How do you know that I didn’t love you?

Her: Was the woman you love a serial killer?

Him: Well…I didn’t think so.

Her: No, she wasn’t was she? I am a serial killer, therefore, bingo! I’m not the woman you loved. Sorry, she was a fantasy.  I am not.

Him: I’m in such distress. This is so awful. And I’m so confused.

Pause

Him: So…why did you kill all these men?

Her: ALL THESE MEN! You don’t even know how many men I killed, other than the one body I was found with, and even that was circumstantial. It’s all speculation by the police.

Him: Circumstantial?

Her: The circumstance was that I was found with a dead body.

Him: Alone, in your kitchen, with no sign of forced entry.

Her: I admit that I killed him, but the evidence is weak. You have to admit.

Him: I don’t admit. For one thing there were parts of a few more bodies scattered about the house and garden. I don’t think they were sprinkled around by visitors. But you haven’t answered my question. Why?

Her: You know, I don’t know how to explain it, but they were just so cute. So cute I wanted to eat them.

Him: So you did? Oh, this is so distressing. How many?

Her: Oh…my… snakes. Do you think I would come all the way here to answer a question like that? Let the police figure it out. You can read about it in the news.

Him: My snakes?

Her: In my situation it’s best not to take the Lord’s name in vain.

Him: And what exactly is your situation? Have you met God?

Her: No, are you kidding? Do you know how many people there are here? You have to be Alexander the great or Einstein or something to meet God.

Him: What about Mother Theresa? Surely she’s met God.

Her: Honestly, I wouldn’t know. I don’t hang in those circles, though I’ve heard that God and Cleopatra are pretty tight.

Him: So then who do you hang with, Jeffery Dahmer?

Her: Why am I here? Because I can leave.

Him: Sorry. But really, who do you hang out with?

Her: Pretty much the same crowd as I did when I was alive. Only people aren’t nice to me. I spend a lot of time alone. It really sucks. Sometimes it’s like Junior High, only it never ends.

Him: That sounds like Hell

Her: Exactly.

Him: Oh, this is so distressing

Her: What, that I would wind up in Hell after developing my own recipe for rump roast? What did you think?

Him: But I love you. I care about you. I’m so confused.

Her: I’m not having this conversation. This is impossible.

Him: And you loved me.

Her: I did not. I never loved you. Did I ever tell you I loved you? I was always honest with you. I can’t help it if you were deluded.

Him: I think you did love me. I think you still do. You just can’t say it. You don’t have access to those feelings. But they’re there.

Her: I have news for you bud. Serial killers don’t have feelings. At least not the type you’re thinking of.

Him: But you were always so good to me, so kind, so affectionate.

Her: That’s because I like you. You’re sweet, and you’re smart, and you’re very cute.

Him: Oh God!

Her: But not cute in that way

Him: This is so distressing

Her: I never wanted to eat you, not in that way.

Him: We spent hours cuddled up on the couch watching TV. And then you would cook these fabulous meals for me, lasagna, and Greek style lamb, and those amazing stews and…Oh God!

Her: I never shared my special meals. Not even with you.

Both: This is so distressing

Her: Stop it. It takes a big effort for me to stay here and I’m getting tired of it already.

Him: Why were you so good to me?

Her: I told you this before. You…felt…reaaally good….inside of me. [pause] And you’re a good man. You really are. I like you. But I never loved you.

Him: How exactly did you die?

Her: A meat cleaver in the wrong hands is a very dangerous weapon. I had him laid out on the kitchen island. I really thought he was dead. I turned my back on him for just a few seconds. I was going to the counter to do some prep work. And he got me. It must have taken his last dying effort. But I kept that cleaver sharp and he went right through the rib cage and punctured a lung. He must have got some arteries or something as well. I started to cough blood immediately. It took me what seemed like an eternity to lose consciousness.

Him: You could have gotten some help.

Her: Right, and what was I going to do, call 911? Think about it. How was I going to explain the guy without his legs attached and one of them was in the oven at three fifty? I was so mad I wanted to kill the guy.

Him: Too late for that.

Her: No shit. So after a while I realized it was my time and that’s that.

Enter Man With Broom upper stage left and proceeds to cross the stage to where Him: is standing sweeping all the while.

Man With Broom: Excuse me.

Him: What?

Her quietly stands up and exits up stage

MWB: I need to sweep there.

Him steps aside

MWB: Don’t stand there.

Him: Why not?

MWB: I haven’t swept there yet

Him: Well then, where should I stand?

MWB: I don’t care. Just don’t stand where I need to sweep.

Him: Well I don’t know where you’ve swept.

MWB: That is not my problem. But you can’t stand there. You will have to move.

Him begins to pogo around.

Him: Can I stand here? What about here? How about over here?

Man With Broom sweeps to exit

MWB: No you can’t stand in any of those places. I need to sweep there. You will have to move.

Exit MWB stage right

Him looks around and realizes he is alone.

Him: This is so distressing.

Lights fade to black.