After a blogging stint for a mainstream parenting Web site, Alternadad author Neal Pollack wrote this hilarious post about some restrictions he encountered there. It was the usual “no drugs, no porn, no profanity” deal; nothing unreasonable. “No porn” certainly seems like a sensible restriction for a parenting Web site.

Or does it?

I’m thinking about those later postpartum months. You’ve gradually built up the confidence to believe you just might be able to keep this baby alive after all. If there’s a partner living with you, chances are you’ve just starting feeling some glimmers of recognition for that person again. Not only do you vaguely recall how you used to spend your nights together, but you start to feel like maybe – just maybe – you might want to do it again sometime.

In theory, that is. There are some roadblocks. Life is happening through a haze of sleeplessness, teary postpartum hormones, dreamy breastfeeding hormones, a healing body, and blissful new-baby love – punctuated by frequent sleep-shattering infant wails. If you’re lucky enough to find yourself in bed with your partner for any uninterrupted amount of time, it’s likely you’ll end up sleeping. And it goes on for months like this. You love your partner. You want the closeness and intensity of sex the way it used to be. But if there’s sex at all, it’s perfunctory at best. The body just doesn’t work the way it used to.       

Now, you visit your favorite mainstream parenting Web site (because this baby stuff is so huge in your life, you need to keep talking about it but don’t want to bore the socks off your friends). And what do we find on that Web site? Breastfeeding vs. Formula, Part XII. Stuff Good Parents Buy. Top Ten Things You Think Are Safe That Can Actually Kill Your Baby. Celebrity MILFs Share Dieting Tips. Et-freaking-cetera. Honestly, one tasteful article telling women where to find the best get-your-poor-tired-motor-started / non-cheeseball / so-you-won’t-waste-your-time-Googling-for-it porn would be so very, very welcome.   

I’m not suggesting that porn is a cure-all, or even necessary. But if you’re trying to get your groove back in the face of so many physical and emotional obstacles, it’s good to have a shortcut sometimes. Self-love is widely overlooked in those “get the spice back in your marriage” articles, but I think it’s integral to the mojo-recovery process. Anne Semans and Cathy Winks are very frank about that in their book The Mother’s Guide to Sex:

Before you engage in partner sex, spend some time masturbating . . . [Y]ou deserve to take the time to acquaint yourself with the changes in your genital geography and sexual responses – after all those months of monitoring your pregnant body for the sake of the baby’s health, you owe it to yourself to take stock in a purely self-centered way. You’ll gain the information that can reduce whatever fear of genital stimulation you might be feeling, and the confidence that will make it much easier to relax in the company of a lover.

With or without porn, I think the Mother’s Guide’s advice is the way to go. Self-love is like yoga or something; it really does make a positive difference. I know . . .  there are only so many kid-free hours in the day. And when you do find the time, there are so many distractions. All those “Yo Gabba Gabba” songs getting stuck in your head. Remembering unpleasant conversations. Finding plot holes in fantasies. Mentally composing an important to-do list, then worrying that an orgasm will knock it right out of the brain. And the next thing you know, the kids are awake and knocking on the door.   

Oh well. Someday they’ll be teenagers and sleep in on the weekends, right? In the meantime at least we’ve got flowers, homemade cards, and brunch to look forward to on Sunday. And maybe – if we ask them nicely – those wonderful dads or grandparents could get the kids out of the house for an hour or three? Just a thought.

 Happy Mother’s Day!