It's been almost 25 years now since I quit smoking. Can you hear the pride in my words when I say that? It's only there because I'm better than you, if you smoke, at any rate. There's no prude like an old whore, a guy I used to know w… Read full post »

            The first I knew of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an ad I saw on the side of a Michigan Avenue bus in the early '90s. After seeing the movie, I thought it possibly the stupidest piece of shit of that year, and I did not, as I… Read full post »

            Dude(tte), I’m building a monster! No, it’s not for Halloween. God, how lame do you think I am? It’s for wreaking vengeance on my enemies. And occasionally fetching me a soft drink while I’m watching televisi… Read full post »

            Now, I totally understand the cheering a few weeks ago at NRO and Fox News when they heard that the Chicago had lost the 2016 Olympics--if Barack Obama supports it, it must be bad (is that guy still President?) and anyway, who wants a… Read full post »

            So, yesterday alone, two ridiculous non-news stories lit up the sky like a flame. (Fame!) First off, young Falcon Heene, whose family had previously appeared on a reality show called Wife Swap (a show, may I add, that I would gladly p… Read full post »

What is this FAQ about?

It's about values, about morals, and about 650 words long. It's about the delight in a little girl's eyes when she sees a butterfly alight on a flower, and also the horror in that same little girl's eyes when I spray that butterfly… Read full post »

            If you look at my birth certificate (or, Birther fucktards, my Certificate Of Live Birth, because I'm actually Kenyan), you will discover that I was not born on Miami Beach, where I grew up and lived until I was 17, but in Miami, at J… Read full post »

            All right. I have to just admit it and deal with it: I need to get my  house fumigated. It just became too glaringly obvious last night to ignore any more. There I was, sitting in the bathtub, when I noticed something in the wate… Read full post »

            You know how your life is just going along great, you've got the hot girlfriend and the fast car and the perfect apartment, you've got the job you can't even talk about with your friends because of how they just hate their jobs so muc… Read full post »

            I have some down-time coming at work, and I plan to spend it killing, maiming and playing competitive bocce ball all across this great land of ours. Oh, wait! That's ridiculous: it won't be bocce ball season for another six months. So… Read full post »

            I have more bad habits than an incontinent nun. My bad habits lie in wait for your bad habits and steal their lunch money. I'm sorry my bad habits took your car and crashed it; they are, as one might have previously noted, bad. Let's… Read full post »

            I spend a large part of each and every day screaming silently inside my head. (In space, no one can hear you scream.) It makes me bellow in silent rage whenever our language, the feel and taste and of course sound of which I love, is… Read full post »

            President Obama, I identify with you in ways that I have not with other politicians. You and I lived in the same neighborhood. Your kids and mine went to the same school. You taught at the University of Chicago, where I did my gradua… Read full post »

            I am so excited about my new hobby! It's interesting, fun and it helps other people--and unlike my previous hobby, finding and selling rusty nails on Ebay, I can actually make a lot of money at this one. Can you guess what it is?

&n… Read full post »

            I'm not a dog person. I don't care if you are--go with god, you know? on that and all your perverse likes and dislikes--but I'm not. Actually, I like to think I'm more of a cheetah person. A friend of mine recently went to Africa to h… Read full post »

            I will tell you right now: I never intended to have kids. I am very much not a kid-person. To pre-children-having me, kids seemed like creepy mucus-and-shit-spewing midget retards with speech impediments. And they still do, and did, e… Read full post »

            Well, that does it! If Camille Paglia says it's so, it must be so. Obama is done.

            It's too fucking bad, too. I mean, tens of millions of us voted for the guy; really,… Read full post »

            I am perhaps a bit excitable. (Not in the Warren Zevon "Excitable Boy" sense.) (Though I did kill my prom date then later dug her up and made a cage of her bones.) (All the kids were doing it that year; that Warren, always on top of t… Read full post »

            Yeah, I know, some dude wrote a book with that same title several years ago, but I'm not really bothering to look the guy or his book up, because one of the things that they don't teach you in kindergarten? Is how to write. But I did… Read full post »

            Ted Kennedy died today. He was a rich man who was a staunch friend to working people and the poor, a man whose personal life was sordid and messy (though no more so than those of the people who attacked him for that life), a man, judg… Read full post »

            I may not know a lot--indeed, there are some, probably within the sound of my voice, possibly even you yourself, who would I say that I hardly know anything, and that what little I do know is wrong--but by damn I know my rights. I kno… Read full post »

            Christianity is the largest religion on Earth, which is why it's probably a good idea to go into space. Over 2 billion people are Christians, and that number is increasing daily, largely due to the inclusion in the ranks of Christians… Read full post »

            So, there I was, lighting farts with Karl Rove out in the parking lot behind the 7-11 around the corner from my condo (I swear the coffee was better when it was a White Hen, but what the fuck, Intelligentsia is right down the street)… Read full post »