What is this FAQ about?

It's about values, about morals, and about 650 words long. It's about the delight in a little girl's eyes when she sees a butterfly alight on a flower, and also the horror in that same little girl's eyes when I spray that butterfly with a can of Raid. It's about America, the land where all a man needs to make his fortune is a crazy dream and US$100,000,000 that he inherited from his dad. (Fire this, Trump.) It's about who we are as a nation, be that barely-literate inner-city child praying he doesn't get shot on his way home from school or barely-literate teenage mom pistol-whipping her child in Wal-Mart. Whether you hate Barack Obama because he's a socialist or a Nazi, because he hasn't ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and all wars forever or because he hasn't started any new ones, this FAQ is about you.

Oh, you mean literally what's it about? I have no fucking clue.

Does reading this FAQ obligate me legally in any way?

Yes, it does. By reading this FAQ, you are obligated to tithe 10% of your income to the charity of my choice, which is, and always will be, me. Ha! Tried to stop reading there, didn't you? Too late! I have embedded special retinal-recognition software in this FAQ, and know exactly who and where you are, and also how much you have in your bank account. Well, had. Also, stop doing that with your legs; it's very unladylike.

What will I receive in return for tithing 10% of my income to you?

Peace of mind. Clarity. The serenity that comes from knowing you've helped do good, specifically, for me. You'll know that when an old lady needs pushing out of my way because she is just fucking creeping along the sidewalk, your money--which you might have wasted on luxuries like food and housing--has kept our sidewalks clear of slow-ass old ladies, and also given an ER doc in Chicago greater experience with hip fractures. You'll feel joy in the certainty that no matter where a Jehovah's Witness or Hare Krishna pops up, as long as I am nearby he will not go unpunched in the gut--and because of the gym membership that your money will allow me to purchase, that Jehovah's Witness or Hare Krishna will not go unpunched in the gut hard. And of course, you will come to understand what millions before you have: that no one, anywhere, will ever be able to experience a moment's peace knowing that Jay Leno is still on television, and your generous donations will allow me to pay to have him suffocated in a large pit of horseshit, the very material out of which his "jokes" are fashioned. Please hurry; a nation suffers even as you delay.

Are my contributions to you deductible?

To me, yes. In the sense that I will not be telling the IRS about them.

Can we talk about something else now? This joke is getting kind of boring.

Sure. How's your mom?

She's fine. The neuralgia's acting up. And the incontinence. What do you think of adult undergarments?

It all Depends. (Hee! See what I did there? It all... Oh, fine.)

Er, yes. Right. So, what does your website, product and/or service offer a person of my discerning tastes?

By "discerning tastes," I presume you don't mean your necrophilia, right? (Because, no, I neither know nor care to know where to find naked pictures of Princess Dead.) If not, I am pleased to announce that www.floyd-elliot.com has virtual wine-tastings for the oenophile and live 24/7 midget mud-wrestling for the, um, muddymidgetophile. Every Tuesday we will also show hilarious pictures of domestic animals licking their genitalia, often with cute misspelled captions about cheeseburgers.

Is this really just a one-joke post because you couldn't think of anything else to write today?

No. There are two jokes in it. (See, the Depends thing, what that was about was...)