Hello, Client Manager. I'm calling in sick in the head. Mentally ill. I'm a little loony this lovely Monday morning. Perhaps toony as well. I do have a fever. It's for the flavor of a Pringle's. If that's not sick in the head, I don't… Read full post »

Dear Fruitbat,

            Sorry, Sarah Palin. Just kidding. You are not a fruitbat. You cannot, for example, echolocate guavas, I'm betting. Although I don't know you, and I could be wrong. Perhaps that's a requirement to become governor of Ala… Read full post »

            Where I grew up, on Miami Beach (and yes, that’s the correct preposition—it’s an island)—actually on South Beach, which was, before it became fashionable after Miami Vice, a largely working-class slum, we didn&… Read full post »

            I'm telling you, those were her exact words: "When pigs fly." I guess I was starting to get on her nerves, you know? Sure, I'd asked her out, like, a few times before--okay, like, five, ten, tops--she was nice at first, then maybe a l… Read full post »

This is a tough subject for me to write about. What am I proud of? Well, that no one has been maimed or blinded while reading my blog. (Of course, the post I'm working on now, "In Praise Of Poking Yourself In the Eye With a Fork" might change all that.)… Read full post »

            Man, I hate cleaning my toilet.

            I need a maid.

            Dude, I can't afford a maid. (Why do I call myself… Read full post »

            I don't think I think enough about being dead. Other people do, apparently all the time. Not just about their own personal deaths, but pretty much those of every random person they've ever heard of who dies, most recently Michael Jack… Read full post »

            My name is Floyd, and I...am a grammar douche. Look, I'm going to have to bug out of here in a few minutes to catch my other 12-step-group, because of how I'm also hooked on phonics.

        &n… Read full post »

1.      Even if--especially if--I am a fat uncouth middle-aged white man of no discernible sensitivity, wit or intelligence, I can date and/or marry incredibly hot women, especially if the actresses who play those incredibly hot women are experiencing a bit of a career slump./… Read full post »

I'm going to do something unusual--nay, unprecedented--for me: I'm going to say something nice about a Republican. Well, pitying, anyway, and not in that oh-I'm-so-sorry-you're-so-vastly-inferior-to-me way, but truly, deeply full of fellow feeling.

        &nb… Read full post »

Before I moved back into the city, I lived in a crazy-ass Gothic-looking house in the 'burbs for almost a decade. (We refer to this time as the Babylonian Exile.) When I say, "Gothic-looking," I want you to picture Charles Addams, Edward Gorey...those guys. We had a flock of bats that… Read full post »

So, I’m back from my trip to New York to eat (ah, Ess-a-Bagel, I am thy bitch), and it was lovely, awesome, even, except for, you know, the traveling. I don't love traveling, especially flying--I love going places, but getting to them gets on my very last nerve. Stressful, dehumanizing, boring-… Read full post »

            This summer, both of the (No-Longer-So-)Little Girls Elliot and I will be living in different cities. As it happens, I will be in New York, where Number One Daughter lives, during Father’s Day, but I’m not going to New Yor… Read full post »

This is my response to Zumalicious's Exercise 61 challenge:

            Frank Lee Midear first heard the phrase “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” early in his life, and he took it much to heart. In school, Frank Le… Read full post »

Please understand, I am not trying to garner more readers with my provocative title; I find such blatant self-advertisement repulsive. (Read My Novel!) I believe that a true writer, an artist with words, can find an audience without resorting to title tricks and search-engine gimmicks. (For more abou… Read full post »

At the time David Foster Wallace offed himself last year, I'd never read a word he'd written. I'd heard of him, of course, as the writer of what was supposed to be the most difficult book published in English in the past 20 years or more, Infinite Jest; since dumping my… Read full post »

                Hello, Young Glenn Beck. Sit down. We need to talk. Your World War II paper…well, all I can say is, if you don’t pay a little more attention in my class, you are not going to graduate high school a… Read full post »

Chapter 2. In which we...ah, fuck it; I'm not Dr. Johnson and this ain't Rasselas.

  Read full post »

For those of you who were kind enough to ask to see my novel, Freeze!

Chapter 1. In which we meet Boy Wonder and learn about his various neural deficiencies, the economics of the junk-food industry, and the rules of the Freeze Tag improv game, as well as, perhaps, just… Read full post »

                When Barack Obama last election season visited one of those scary-ass mega-churches, demonstrating a catholicity—you should excuse the expression—that explains why he is President and I am not (plus… Read full post »

                Number Two Daughter, my youngest, is graduating from high school and leaving for a summer in Oregon, then college, in less than a month. I will miss her, when I'm not, you know, dancing naked around the house (… Read full post »

                The world ended early last December. You probably missed it. You were busy; it was the holidays.

                I’ll come back… Read full post »

Here I haven't even posted a single entry and Joan Walsh is already my friend. That? Is just awesome. (And completely different from that time I convinced myself that John Cusack wanted to hang out with me. I mean, in my defense, he did seem pretty accessible in High Fidelity, you… Read full post »