Blog Blog Blog Fishcakes

Perfectly Logical Essays Without Digressions (True Story)

Floyd Elliot

Floyd Elliot
Chicago, Illinois, USA
January 05
Lord Snarky
Floyd Elliot is species of rare vine native to the Chicago Lakefront. Once so abundant that they darkened the skies as they flew over (and the ground too), Floyd Elliots were hunted almost to extinction for their plumage and haunting cry; today, thanks to conservation efforts and an outpouring of credulity on the part of the public, Floyd Elliots can again be spotted outside a zoo; inside a zoo, they're striped.


Floyd Elliot's Links


            I wasn't going to do this, the, in Open Salon parlance, "flounce." I don't flounce. People who wear tutus flounce, and generally only before the age of five. I stride purposefully toward the nearest exit, stopping only occasionally to… Read full post »

JANUARY 5, 2010 12:28PM

By the Numbers

            Numbers speak to me. Not in a numerologic or paranoid-schizophrenic kind of way: I don't think numbers reveal my character (it's my reckless disregard for explosives-handling safety that does that) or the secrets of the universe (that… Read full post »

             #1: Top 10 Lists. With all the top-10 lists proliferating on the Interwebs--top 10 movies of the decade, top 10 books of the year, top 10 numbers between 1 and 10--I think it's important--to me, of course--that I don't give a fu… Read full post »

            Ah, the holidays: children, their faces alight with joy, joining their parents in celebrating a season of peace, stores and our televisions pealing carols of joy and hymns of peace, and bell-ringers on every corner, ringing out melodi…

Read full post »

DECEMBER 22, 2009 6:29AM

Seasonings Greetings

Cross-posted on Gourmet Gourmand Glutton.

              If you've spent much time in Chicago fine-dining restaurants, you may have noticed an intriguing fact (well, it's intriguing if you're me, and, given the size of my readership,… Read full post »

DECEMBER 14, 2009 8:54AM

In Which I Meet My Sister's Boyfriend

            If, despite my complete lack of technical adeptitude (what? it's a word; just not a real one) (and yes, I do work in technology, thanks for asking) (shhhh…don't tell my clients that I'm not technically adept; they'll make me a/Read full post »

DECEMBER 8, 2009 3:02PM

My Secret Shameful Love

            I have, as my title, "My Secret Shameful Love," might suggest, a secret love, which is, you know, shameful, and also? Secret. I have enjoyed her embrace in my sunroom, in full view of the yuppies and hookers and homeless guys passinRead full post »

            Scientists, specifically psychologists (I know, I said "scientists," then I talk about psychologists; I'm capricious that way), in the early part of the 20th century had way too much fucking time on their hands. They spent much of tha… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 24, 2009 5:16PM

Giving Thanks For Immigration

            Immigration to what would one day become the United Ss of A began 17,000 years ago, when a plucky band of Asians, hoping to party in South Beach during Spring Break (talk about being neurotically early), crossed the Bering land bridge/… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 20, 2009 11:45AM

Dating Is For Dickheads

            HGG, my girlfriend of the past nine months, released me into the wild a little while ago (it was really quite touching; she was humming "Born Free" as she opened the door of the cage) (and the fact that I employed that particular meta… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 17, 2009 9:12AM

May I Quote You?

            The other night I came home and made myself what I like to call my Montague and Capulet dinner (two sandwiches, both alike in dignity...), plopped down in front of the TV and turned on Food Network. Sadly, Guy Fieri was on, so of cour… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 12, 2009 8:28AM

Ask Narcissa

              Well, before we get started with this week's questions, Narcissa wishes to thank all of you who wrote in to comment on the deep, serious structural problems faced by our country that Narcissa brought up in last week's coluRead full post »

NOVEMBER 9, 2009 11:17PM

The Empresses Of the Inner Drive

            Saturday was gorgeous in Chicago, the temperature in the 70s, sunny, with that kind of limpid blue sky that mocks you with the foreknowledge that soon snowflakes will be blowing horizontally past your window on the wind out of Canada.… Read full post »

            It's been almost 25 years now since I quit smoking. Can you hear the pride in my words when I say that? It's only there because I'm better than you, if you smoke, at any rate. There's no prude like an old whore, a guy I used to know w… Read full post »

OCTOBER 30, 2009 9:08AM

Fangs For the Memories: A Buffy Memoir

            The first I knew of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was an ad I saw on the side of a Michigan Avenue bus in the early '90s. After seeing the movie, I thought it possibly the stupidest piece of shit of that year, and I did not, as IRead full post »

OCTOBER 28, 2009 1:02PM

My Monster

            Dude(tte), I’m building a monster! No, it’s not for Halloween. God, how lame do you think I am? It’s for wreaking vengeance on my enemies. And occasionally fetching me a soft drink while I’m watching televisiRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 20, 2009 9:02AM

Revealed At Last: How I Lost Chicago the Olympics

            Now, I totally understand the cheering a few weeks ago at NRO and Fox News when they heard that the Chicago had lost the 2016 Olympics--if Barack Obama supports it, it must be bad (is that guy still President?) and anyway, who wants a… Read full post »

            So, yesterday alone, two ridiculous non-news stories lit up the sky like a flame. (Fame!) First off, young Falcon Heene, whose family had previously appeared on a reality show called Wife Swap (a show, may I add, that I would gladly p… Read full post »

OCTOBER 16, 2009 12:11AM


What is this FAQ about?

It's about values, about morals, and about 650 words long. It's about the delight in a little girl's eyes when she sees a butterfly alight on a flower, and also the horror in that same little girl's eyes when I spray that butterfly… Read full post »

OCTOBER 13, 2009 4:10PM

Losing My Religion

            If you look at my birth certificate (or, Birther fucktards, my Certificate Of Live Birth, because I'm actually Kenyan), you will discover that I was not born on Miami Beach, where I grew up and lived until I was 17, but in Miami, at J… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 8, 2009 3:25PM

I Think I Have To Fumigate

            All right. I have to just admit it and deal with it: I need to get my  house fumigated. It just became too glaringly obvious last night to ignore any more. There I was, sitting in the bathtub, when I noticed something in the wate… Read full post »

OCTOBER 6, 2009 1:19PM

There's An App For That

            You know how your life is just going along great, you've got the hot girlfriend and the fast car and the perfect apartment, you've got the job you can't even talk about with your friends because of how they just hate their jobs so muc… Read full post »

            I have some down-time coming at work, and I plan to spend it killing, maiming and playing competitive bocce ball all across this great land of ours. Oh, wait! That's ridiculous: it won't be bocce ball season for another six months. So… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 29, 2009 8:19AM

On Procrastination

            I have more bad habits than an incontinent nun. My bad habits lie in wait for your bad habits and steal their lunch money. I'm sorry my bad habits took your car and crashed it; they are, as one might have previously noted, bad. Let's… Read full post »

            Mayor Myron Lowery, of Memphis, Tennessee, greeted the Dalai Lama on Tuesday with a fist-bump, and the words, "Hello, Dalai. Well, hello, Dalai" at the start of an official visit. The greeting had been pre-arranged with the entourage/… Read full post »