It's time to give up on Barack Obama. The man we elected with so much hope back in November--and how long ago that seems now--has utterly failed. After six months in office, he has failed to turn the United States into the Big Rock C… Read full post »

            I am short. I am not vertically-challenged, otherly-heighted or differently-tall. I am short. Short short short-itty short. If you call me "teensy," "weensy," "itsy" and/or "bitsy," I will hurt you in ways that won’t even manife… Read full post »

                The world ended early last December. You probably missed it. You were busy; it was the holidays.

                I’ll come back… Read full post »

            My name is Floyd, and I...am a grammar douche. Look, I'm going to have to bug out of here in a few minutes to catch my other 12-step-group, because of how I'm also hooked on phonics.

        &n… Read full post »

                Number Two Daughter, my youngest, is graduating from high school and leaving for a summer in Oregon, then college, in less than a month. I will miss her, when I'm not, you know, dancing naked around the house (… Read full post »

Dear Fruitbat,

            Sorry, Sarah Palin. Just kidding. You are not a fruitbat. You cannot, for example, echolocate guavas, I'm betting. Although I don't know you, and I could be wrong. Perhaps that's a requirement to become governor of Ala… Read full post »

            I have to go to the veterinarian today to have my dog put down. I've thought about this for a very long time and I just can't see any way around it. No, thank you for your concern, but he's not sick; he just doesn't match our new drap… Read full post »

            HGG, my girlfriend of the past nine months, released me into the wild a little while ago (it was really quite touching; she was humming "Born Free" as she opened the door of the cage) (and the fact that I employed that particular meta… Read full post »

            Philosophy seems hard to understand to many people, because those people are dumbasses. In this the first of an ongoing series, which I hope to develop into a PBS special that could net me thousands or even hundreds of dollars, you wi… Read full post »

            So, I went to my local town meeting, because I want to be more involved in government and also it was next to the Jewel and I was pretty much out of OJ (the fruit juice, not the guy who killed his wife) (well, I don't think they had h… Read full post »

            Christianity is the largest religion on Earth, which is why it's probably a good idea to go into space. Over 2 billion people are Christians, and that number is increasing daily, largely due to the inclusion in the ranks of Christians… Read full post »

            I will tell you right now: I never intended to have kids. I am very much not a kid-person. To pre-children-having me, kids seemed like creepy mucus-and-shit-spewing midget retards with speech impediments. And they still do, and did, e… Read full post »

            It's been almost 25 years now since I quit smoking. Can you hear the pride in my words when I say that? It's only there because I'm better than you, if you smoke, at any rate. There's no prude like an old whore, a guy I used to know w… Read full post »

            I may not know a lot--indeed, there are some, probably within the sound of my voice, possibly even you yourself, who would I say that I hardly know anything, and that what little I do know is wrong--but by damn I know my rights. I kno… Read full post »

            President Obama, I identify with you in ways that I have not with other politicians. You and I lived in the same neighborhood. Your kids and mine went to the same school. You taught at the University of Chicago, where I did my gradua… Read full post »

            Where I grew up, on Miami Beach (and yes, that’s the correct preposition—it’s an island)—actually on South Beach, which was, before it became fashionable after Miami Vice, a largely working-class slum, we didn&… Read full post »

            I have some down-time coming at work, and I plan to spend it killing, maiming and playing competitive bocce ball all across this great land of ours. Oh, wait! That's ridiculous: it won't be bocce ball season for another six months. So… Read full post »

            If you look at my birth certificate (or, Birther fucktards, my Certificate Of Live Birth, because I'm actually Kenyan), you will discover that I was not born on Miami Beach, where I grew up and lived until I was 17, but in Miami, at J… Read full post »

            I am perhaps a bit excitable. (Not in the Warren Zevon "Excitable Boy" sense.) (Though I did kill my prom date then later dug her up and made a cage of her bones.) (All the kids were doing it that year; that Warren, always on top of t… Read full post »

            It happened again Tuesday morning. I work out in the morning, just after rolling out of bed, and I do it watching TV so I can focus on something other than how very fucking much I don't want to be working out. Usually I'll watch a loc… Read full post »

            Yeah, I know, some dude wrote a book with that same title several years ago, but I'm not really bothering to look the guy or his book up, because one of the things that they don't teach you in kindergarten? Is how to write. But I did… Read full post »

            All right. I have to just admit it and deal with it: I need to get my  house fumigated. It just became too glaringly obvious last night to ignore any more. There I was, sitting in the bathtub, when I noticed something in the wate… Read full post »

            I don't usually include pictures in my essays. There are several reasons for that:

1. I prefer to paint my pictures with words. This is the reason that I give and that I prefer to believe, and by and
… Read full post »

            Ted Kennedy died today. He was a rich man who was a staunch friend to working people and the poor, a man whose personal life was sordid and messy (though no more so than those of the people who attacked him for that life), a man, judg… Read full post »

            Well, that does it! If Camille Paglia says it's so, it must be so. Obama is done.

            It's too fucking bad, too. I mean, tens of millions of us voted for the guy; really,… Read full post »