I want to be totally clear on this one: I ain't no dieter.

I'm a feaster, a food-lover, a cook, a taster, a tester, a baker, a student of gastronomy, a cuisine philosopher. I worship the kitchen goddess, jealous bitch goddess that she is. I am still a novitiate in the cult of cookbooks and recipes, but let's just say that the major dogma of said religion more or less falls into my own life-framework anyway. I believe food should be plentiful. It should taste good. It should be a celebration of life, a daily routine that turns your blah Tuesday morning into hurray for cafe au lait and sprouted grain bread toasted then smothered with marinated red peppers and fresh tomatoes! I believe in making my own marinades, stocks, and salad dressings. I don't pay much attention to calories or carbs or fat grams, because that takes a lot of time and indulges the part of me that can be an obsessive tyrannical shrew. I eat what I gravitate towards (vegetables and cheese) and make sure that I'm including enough of the rest (fruits, grains, legumes, and meat). I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm no longer hungry. This way of life is working out pretty well.

(You should know, too, that it took me years to get to this particular food-place. For a very long time, I equated health and happiness with calorie-counting and maniacal exercise. I wasn't very happy, nor was I in any way healthy.)

This said, I've just spent the past two days with my family. We ate. We ATE. We basically didn't stop eating. Prime rib, baked potato, creamed spinach, olives, cheeses, and a buche de noel for Christmas Eve supper, plus eggnog, brandy, and champagne; eggs scrambled with bacon, tomato, and avocado, sourdough toast, and then more champagne with orange juice for Christmas breakfast; quesadillas, carnitas, sopes, guacamole, fresh salsa and homemade tortilla chips for a "light" Christmas lunch replete with Mexican beer; and finally a coq au vin with rice and a ginormous salad, more cheeses and olives, caviar, creme fraiche, smoked salmon, bread, butter, persimmon cake and yet another buche de noel for Christmas dinner. And more champagne and eggnog. And white wine. And rum. And chocolates.

So. Much. Food.

So much food that I usually don't eat that much of, like meat, white bread, and cream. Dairy everywhere! I'm fond of yogurt and cheese and have been known to go a bit overboard, but I pretty much limit most other dairy because it makes me feel shitty the next day. I mean that literally.

Today I woke up back at my little home feeling as if I never want to eat again -- shocking! What an awful feeling! I made myself drink some carrot juice and some tea, and an entire bucket of water, and currently I'm wandering around the house, picking things up, putting them back down, and wondering about the state of the universe and my intestinal track. (TMI?) What I want more than anything is a massive, vegetable-y salad, but it's too cold right for salad today. So I've organized instead a little post-Christmas recovery menu that I'm going to share with you now. Take it, if you wish, and be happy. Be regular, even.

Christmas Redux: The Day After

Note: All use of "you" actually refers to "me," as in "foolisht."

Breakfast:
Weak tea
Carrot juice
Self-pity that extends to posting to your blog about self-pity

Midday:
Miso soup doctored with baby spinach
A massive pile of edamame beans sprinkled with coarse salt
Lots of water, because it's a salty meal

After Midday:
A hopeful but probably still fruitless visit to the porcelain god
A brisk walk (feel free to make this walk lethargic, but you might not enjoy it so much; also, avoid walking past your favorite ice cream place -- you know why)
Guava cut up with just the tiniest bit of goat cheese (omit the goat cheese if you're feeling particularly lumpy; if you can't get your hands on guava, you poor thing, apples will do just fine, even better)

Sometime before Dinner:
An artichoke, steamed with salted water, dipped in a bit of olive oil whisked with lemon juice
Cucumbers and tomatoes sprinkled with black pepper and olive oil

Dinnerish:
Kale sauteed with olive oil and garlic
Green lentils cooked in vegetable stock and served warm with yogurt
A generous dollop of hummus in a boat made of half a red bell pepper, sprinkled with black pepper, olive oil, and parsley

Late at Nightish:
A spoonful of sorbet hurts no one

I wish good tidings and regular bowel movements to you all.