"You have Stage I breast cancer," said Dr. Han. "The tumor was tiny, and your lymph nodes were negative. That's the good news."

"So it's gone? That's it?" Astrid asked.

"We can't go that far," Dr. Kartes said. "All we can tell you for a fact is that the margins were… Read full post »

1. Frank (6) learns that good boys have hearts full of evil.

"Now you're captured!" said Frankie. "Badman Brucie McGowan. Let's just see how bad you look in handcuffs."

Frank Carey of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police climbed down from his Wonder Horse, being careful to not catch his pants in… Read full post »

After he found out about the affair, the first thing he realized--the first conscious thing, after the bald numbness and the feeling of all his joints popped from their sockets--was that he hated his name. He thought this upon hearing his voicemail greeting: "Hi, it's Frank. Please leave a message an… Read full post »

I would have a permanent tattoo in

tattoo blue, one that sun and soap

could not fade nor the passing of years

the sentiment diminish; a dark bird

on my wrist or spider on my ankle,

or a tiny heart-shaped box to remind me… Read full post »

He started writing again as he'd left off the last time. Awkwardly. Clumsily. Timidly.

But this time, he didn't stop.

This was before the cancer, years before. He did this every day: up at five, before Astrid and Max. Four cups of coffee in the machine. A bowl of granola. Five… Read full post »

Surgery. Outpatient surgery, of all things. Maybe breast cancer could kill you, but zip, zip, in and out, here's your hat, what's your hurry?

They sat in a tiny, dark room. Walls the color of Pepto Bismol. Frank on a plastic chair. Astrid on the gurney in her surgery gown. She'd… Read full post »

The trouble didn't begin with the boy/friend. But the boy/friend didn't help.

Frank had spent the day  in Chicago. New project for Science and Industry. He hung out in the corners and watched kids interact with the exhibits. Blow into the room. Push, pull, whack, move along. Read? Not so much.… Read full post »

He gave her cancer. He gave her cancer.

Not what she said. She said her relationship gave her cancer. Her relationship with him. Gave her cancer.

It was a slit of an accusation. A razor slice that just kept bleeding. A worm burrowing up from the base of his skull. A nasty,… Read full post »

Late spring, summer before cancer. Frank drove Max and his pal Jason to Cincinnati for their first rock show. Less Than Jake at Bogart's. A two-hour drive for ska-punk.

Ska-punk. Crimeny. This stuff was all the rage. A whole new generation wanted to be The Specials.

The music was supposed to sta… Read full post »

"I think you're a great candidate for a sentinel node biopsy," said Dr. Kartes.

They sat in the small, dark office. On the sofa, not touching. She still wouldn't take his hand.

Dr. Kartes wore snakeskin boots under his blue scrubs. He sat on the edge of his desk and explained… Read full post »

Astrid hadn't always hated him.

They met at the Beta house in the fall of his junior year. Typical Friday night. Stoned, drinking beer. He and Red Chapman sitting in their room playing guitars. The girls in their blues jeans. The guys from the house hitting on the girls in their… Read full post »

"The Impossible Dream." That time they drove to North Carolina and Ellen threw up and nobody but Dad felt like eating, so Dad stopped at McDonald's and the smell of hamburgers made Ellen throw up again. This time, on Frank.

"Crocodile Rock." On the bus on the way home from the… Read full post »

The first time they were separated, he rediscovered music and writing.

As a kid, he'd lived for music. But Max changed everything. (Baby Max had loved Springsteen and Big Country. He cried whenever Frank put Talking Heads on the turntable.) He still listened. He just didn't explore.

That changed agai… Read full post »

Astrid did not smoke. Astrid did not drink. Astrid was not overweight. Astrid did not live a sedentary lifestyle; her whole life, aside from shopping, was working out. Astrid had no history of breast cancer or other female cancers in her family. Astrid did not have dense breast tissue. Astrid did… Read full post »

The summer before cancer--the summer 0f the boy(friend), the summer before Max started high school, the summer when all the decisions about blowing apart their marriage were made--they drove to Martha's Vineyard. Astrid had insisted she wasn't going, right up until the week of the trip. For a month,… Read full post »

What's the protocol for telling people your spouse has cancer? How do you tell your son, your friends, your co-workers? How do you tell your mother? How do you tell her mother?

"I can't talk to her," Astrid said. "Will you call her, please?"

Astrid had spoken to her mother once… Read full post »

The separation--the plan--had been a long time coming. After years of fighting and therapy and apologizing and, finally, silence, their marriage was about to die of exhaustion. Frank was exhausted, Astrid was--

He didn't know what Astrid was. He wasn't sure he recognized her anymore. She didn't seem… Read full post »

So it was cancer. And so he was screwed, royally screwed. He was screwed all the more because he knew how screwed he was. He had to carry the shame of knowing, as much as he wanted to deny it, that this had been his first thought when he found out… Read full post »