Boulder, Colorado—In a former nuclear missile command center deep inside a mountain 40 miles outside of Boulder, a secret Democratic Party strike force is using science and espionage techniques to destabilize the Republican Party and end the political careers of many of the candidates currently running for president. The over two thousand Democratic Party agents laboring here in anonymity have but one goal: flattening the careers of good, upstanding Republicans like a paving machine rolling over a tin can.
“The Herman Cain sexual harassment allegations? Yeah, that’s one of ours,” says the former CIA operative in charge of the facility, who prefers to be called ‘Mr. Smith.’ “We kidnapped the entire human resources department from the National Restaurant Association, drugged them, and made them believe under hypnosis that Herman Cain had been accused of impropriety, and that the NRA had paid off victims. We’re pretty proud of that one.”
But after the media coverage started to slacken late last week, Mr. Smith says they were forced to send in a female agent posing as a victim of Cain’s sexual harassment. In just a matter of days, an airtight identity was built for a woman they called “Sharon Bialek,” who came forward in a news conference with another Democratic agent, Gloria Allred, to increase the pressure on Mr. Cain with titillating new details of his alleged harassment.
“We had nothing on Cain,” says Mr. Smith. “The guy is pure as the driven snow. We looked at every detail of his background and no one had anything but good things to say about him. So we had to invent some really bad stuff in order to ruin his life.”
The Democratic Strike Force, or DSF, has also been hard at work destroying the credibility of other Republican candidates. “Rick Perry? We used a honey trap to blackmail one of his staff members into drugging his food. He’s really a very smart guy, but our drugs make him look like an addled idiot.”
Mr. Smith says that Mitt Romney has been their biggest challenge. “That guy is so whitebread that we can’t get any sleaze to stick to him. So this is what we’re working on.” In a digital editing suite in the DSF complex, a group of technicians in white lab coats are surrounded by computer monitors, showing what appears to be Mitt Romney strangling adorable puppies. “These guys are good,” says Smith. “No one will be able to tell that this video is totally manufactured by us. But we’re saving it as a kind of nuclear option.”
“The funny thing is,” he continued, “All those Republicans are always whining about ‘The Democratic Machine’ thwarting their goals and hurting their election chances. But it’s all true.”