I never knew what I’ve been missing all these years until I flew recently, and to stave off boredom I started leafing though a magazine the airline thoughtfully provided called “Sky Mall.”

In there, I found a watch for sale that has atomic timekeeping, is water resistant to 200 meters, and provides tide and moon data, all for only $300. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at the bottom of the ocean, and suddenly realized I didn’t know what phase the moon was in. Where’s my Visa card!

To showcase and protect my watch, I could order a Cherrywood Luxury Watch Showcase to frame my “extensive timepiece collection,” that also comes with a hand-stitched pillow that cradles each watch in style. According to the ad, “cherished watches will never again be scattered around your home!”  Finally I can stop tripping over all those dang watches…

Elsewhere in Sky Mall magazine, I found the SodastreamÒ system for making your own soda. For only $150 plus shipping and handling I could have another piece of junk cluttering up my kitchen counter, and never again have to go through the agony of picking up a bottle of soda and putting it in a shopping cart. Thanks, SodastreamÒ!

Are you tired of smelly shoes? I know I am! That’s why we should all buy the ultraviolet shUVeeÔ Shoe Deodorizer. You just stick those pungent Air Jordans on the twin prongs, turn on the power, and it “refreshes shoes in under an hour.” Who cares if your friends laugh at you? You’ll walk tall, knowing you have the freshest shoes on the block.

Speaking of smells, now there is a way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning the cat box, with the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System. That’s right, now you can train your cat to use a human toilet. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, stumbling to the bathroom, only to find Fluffy perched on the can, a copy of “Cat Fancier” open in front of her. “Do you mind, Mac, it’s occupied!” her baleful look will say. What a great product!

Hey ladies! Are you tired of shaving? Maybe you need to buy the Home Electrolysis Roller! It emits electrical energy that reacts with the included gel to destroy the derma papilla at the base of the hair follicle, and that pesky hair will be gone in no time. What could possibly go wrong?

And finally, an item no one can live without, and I of course am talking about the motorized replica of R2-D2, the little droid from Star Wars. It responds to voice commands, navigates rooms and hallways, and “makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far, far, away.” It can also “dance while playing the famed cantina music.” I don’t know about you, but I’m going to order two, just in case one breaks.

Please don’t tell my wife.