As a proud American who loves pumpkins, I was distressed to hear today that Canada is stomping our butts when it comes to Giant Pumpkin Boat technology. Yes, while we are busy carving Jack-O-lanterns out of our pitifully small, basketball-sized orange gourds, those rascally Canadians are growing pumpkins large enough to hollow out and paddle around a lake in.

I am speaking, of course, about the Windsor, Nova Scotia Pumpkin Regatta that took place last Sunday on Lake Pesaquad. Scores of hardy Canadians took to the water in their  carved-and-painted personal vegetable crafts, and raced to raise money for a local charity. If we let them get away with this, what’s next? Giant zucchini submarines?

This is obviously Obama’s fault. The president has been so caught up in campaigning and fund-raising, that he has let Canada leap far ahead of us when it comes to giant pumpkins that you can ride around in. Our agricultural sector has become a laughingstock overnight with the release of stunning pictures of smug Canucks paddling in enormous gourds.

What we need now is a crash program, involving Monsanto, radioactive isotopes, and billions of dollars, to try to somehow catch up with our wily neighbors to the north in the field of pumpkin boat innovation and technology. If we don’t manage to match or surpass their prodigious pumpkins, then Russia, China, and the rest of the countries of the world will sense weakness, and the U.S. will start on a downward slide from which we may never recover.

And so I implore you, my fellow Americans. Don’t let those hockey-loving poutine-eaters pass us by in the area of protuberant squashes. Next summer, grab your seeds, your shovels, and your bags of manure, and let’s show them what we’re made of!