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~ Seeking Light on the Darkest Night ~

~ Part Seven ~

Before long, the dawn of a new day began defining objects in the room. I left him where he was and took my shower. When I came out I was startled to find him up and already at his computer. The aroma of coffee permeated my senses. B offered me a cup. I was already on automatic pilot. My reply was brief and to the point.

“B. I found your computer on last night, and read some e-mails. I understand that there is a lot more to what you have told me. In the light of all this, I think you should not wait until your flight tonight. Please leave now.”

He was taken back but remained cool. All he said was, “I understand but somehow I'm not surprised.”

The rest is like a movie in quick motion. B stuffing his sprawled clothes into his suitcase. B gathering some of his books from the bookcase he had built for his use. B finishing up his coffee, and a quick shower. Then B, asking the most incredible, shameless question.

“I don't have cash on me - you think I could drive your car to a bank machine for withdrawal for taxi fare?”

My jaw dropped as I looked directly into his eyes since – a long time.

“You've got to be kidding me.”

He walked away sheepishly and called his taxi. Within five minutes he was gone. I noted the time as doctors do when a heart stops beating.

January 4, 2008, 07:14 hours.

I finally fell apart in the wake of what he had left behind, not knowing what to do. A numbness rising from behind my ears turned into a pounding headache as it took over me, and for the first time in weeks I could let my tears flow.

* * * * *

The following couple of weeks were a twilight zone of not knowing the difference between waking or sleeping, floating between a bizarre reality and wishful dreams. I survived on coffee, bread and the left over olieballen – by then both stale. I remembered something I had read long time ago about all of us being in the gutter, but some of us looking up at the stars. Those printed letters, I read over and over trying to find a clue, a meaning in every word, between each line told me a very ugly story of plans that had been put into motion far before his Christmas visit. They even anticipated that I might throw him out much earlier and had contingency plans of friends where he could stay until his flight date. That is, since he had lost his passport and couldn't join her in LA. I was ridiculed by him in his e-mails and scorned for having “stood hand and foot waiting on [him] so that [he] could advance [his] wonderful academic studies, but [he] wanted a peer, someone [he] could be intimate and dance and cry with.”

I had to seek my stars through this darkness. I had to list what needed to be done. Canada recognizes three grounds for divorce: Abandonment, irreconcilable differences, adultery. I knew that he was aiming for the first to buy time and avoid his fiscal responsibility. I had the printed e-mails and the note written in red ink, enough to go for the third. I looked up the lawyer who had dealt with my first divorce only to find his son who followed in his father's footsteps. His father had passed away eight years ago.

Meanwhile, I found that after his return to St John's, B closed the joint account into which he was transferring his reimbursements of 500$ as he promised towards paying off his credit cards. Since the debts had been moved into my name, I guess he really didn't care anymore. I was left with over 9,000 dollars of debt as well as the amount he never repaid to my mother. I had mentioned I was on disability leave at 70 % of my salary, right? I sent an email to B with a carbon copy to W, his new love interest, with a copy of the paper we had signed. I was hoping to warn her and protect her in spite of her despicable behavior. He ignored my email and stopped any further payments of his debts.  She never replied.

My lawyer's first order of business was a polite letter addressed to B requesting to honor his promise by paying his debt within two weeks of the receipt of our letter to avoid further legal action. Two weeks went by. No reply. In February I received an arrogant email from B stating that I had no way of proving he even received that unregistered letter - which had no way of traceability - from some unknown lawyer, and that he was in no financial position to make any payments at the moment.

I thanked him for now confirming his receipt in writing and made another trip to my lawyer with the printed page. His MO for a year would be to bleed me financially through incurring lawyer fees, while he hired the most expensive one in Montreal himself and kept ignoring petition after petition, letter after letter from us. As I'd find out through e-mails that kept popping up on my desktop to his account which he had – in his rush forgotten to log off – that the two planned a summer vacation on the coast of California, renting a car, meeting her children and grandson, her prominent ex, all of which required a lot of expenses and posturing that took precedence over his debts – not only to me but also to his now 18 year old second son, A, for whom he was in arrears of child support since 2004 !

I had no idea of his full pension, he had sold the house he owned in St John's at a loss, and had no other assets – as far as I knew. I had an almost paid off house gone up in value since I married him, a pension, car and some savings; and by Quebec law, he was entitled to half of everything in a divorce. Even if adultery was proven – because in our wonderful, modern country all divorces are considered “no fault ”. To recover what he owed without giving him any of what I had worked for all my life would not be easy.

During the process, I learned that even one's own lawyer is not always trustworthy. Lawyers work together even though they represent opponents. I had to stay on guard and demand every piece of written communication before it was sent to B's lawyer to be edited by me first. Thus I approved or suggested our course of action, and fought not to give in. That most stressful time in my life was almost a heaven sent distraction - both emotionally and financially, because my lawyer cut down on some of his bills for my editorial help. It empowered me for the final face off – the settlement conference, scheduled for exactly a year and a day of the anniversary of his 'bomb'.

I was not out to “take him to the cleaners” as he made it sound to garner sympathy back in St John's, but having been cut off from any friends due to his influence, I accepted to ignore what they thought of me. My demands were the repayment of his debts – credit cards, the amount he owed my mother through me, support payment until I returned to full salary, and to forgo any entitlement in my pension and property. Meanwhile, I was keeping up the payments on his balances in the amounts of what he promised – 500$ every statement, silly me ! My suggestion that he take a line of credit at far less interest and clear me off his burden was snubbed off by the same arrogant reply:

“I am in no position to do that and have no intention of opening a line of credit. Besides, if you hadn't filed for divorce, I wouldn't have to be burdened with unaffordable lawyer expenses on top of my existing financial situation” (paraphrased) At that time his salary was well over a hundred thousand as the university has signed a new contract.

When his e-mails became abusive, my lawyer advised him not to contact me anymore.

* * * * *

I'd like to pause for perspective at this point to remind that I was still in love with a man named B, to whom I had married eight years ago, pledging my love and life – in sickness and in health – as he did to me. I shared everything and spared nothing. We never had a harsh word or physical abuse between us. I lived preparing for the day when we would join our lives in the same city – wherever that might be, and kept up the maintenance of my home with my earnings, made life pleasant for him. Even after I learned that he had lied to me about the sexual harassment case. In fact he was fired by his university. The case went to arbitration and he was eventually reinstated (not vindicated) with a number of strict demands, one of which was to seek counseling at his cost. As his gratitude to the union that supported him, he served as its president for seven years – for free trips to CAUT meetings and the title. He also got to teach one less course to have time for his presidential duties.

The dichotomy was unreal – I had been married to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and never knew it. I was trying to come to terms with that more than any other reality in my life. Such is love or naivete.

* * * * *

Our settlement conference in the presence of a judge lasted from 9:30 to 5:00 PM on that December day. Not because it was so complicated, but in hindsight I think the lawyers were pushing for as many billable hours as they could. Left up to me, I could have come to the same – even a better – settlement myself in half the time. B showed up, his hair silver, thinner and grown down to his shoulders, his pot belly (to which he referred as his “professorial dignity”) gone, looking straight ahead with his steel blue gray eyes avoiding eye contact. By the end of the day, an agreement was scribbled on a lined note pad by his lawyer and signed by the five who had been in that small conference chamber for seven grueling hours. Result? Neither party touches the other's pension. He leaves my assets alone. He agrees to honor his debts. What he owed to my mother is being paid at 250$ per pay period without interest, as support payment.

I accepted the terms to end this nightmare and move on. He must have because the alternative was to go to court. He had too much at stake. The ruling was nothing more than a moral victory for me in addition to saving myself from having my credit ruined because of him. For him, paying a few thousand to keep his real self from being exposed in a divorce court, and losing the facade he worked so hard over the years to build is worth it – if he plays his cards right with W, the pioneer in feminist studies with a PhD. And a home, and lots of money who promised to accept him warts and all.

February 11th, 2011 will mark the second anniversary of receiving the final divorce decree from the Canadian court of Family Division. Acknowledging the severance of any ties between us. I expected a document, typed and embossed with a legal seal. It's a mere photocopy of what his lawyer scribbled in her handwriting on that December afternoon, and the five signatures of the parties present.

As I folded and put it in my files, I smiled and thought what could be a more appropriate end to mark the illusion of what never was.

Tomorrow: Is the final episode when you will meet my Karma – a most riveting conclusion.

Füsun Atalay ~ Copyright © Will of my Own - 2011