An Unexpected Gift

 CONCLUSION

Previous Segment

Yet each man kills the thing he loves,

By each let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword.

~ Oscar Wilde ~

This part of my story will speak mostly for itself. First, however, I'd like to explain what Karma means to me. It is not about punishment. One creates good karma by living in accordance with one's principles and fulfilling one's life's purpose, independent of material gain or success. Karma exists in my life as part of unfinished matters and events from my past, as well as the seeds of every action and thought towards my future personal growth.

I also believe everything in life happens for a reason.

Never having had a closure, a farewell, an “I am truly sorry for what I have done” form B, I had decided to make my own so that I could move on. I posted something akin to a eulogy on Open Salon on what would have been the tenth anniversary of a marriage which began with love, romance and trust.

Author's note: The rest  will make better sense after reading what's here by  clicking on this link , before you continue.   Thank you.

Never Give Up wrote >>

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June 27, 2010

Hello Fusun,

By a strange coincidence I came across your blog a few months ago when I was searching Open Salon for a specific post on something I had missed. There in the upper right-hand corner you were listed as a favorite, and so, out of curiosity, I went to your site and read and read and read. Intrigued, I then bought your memoir and read that, too.

Common sense tells me I shouldn't contact you. A number of times I thought of doing so, but always hesitated. I've felt vaguely guilty about reading your posts invisibly (so to speak). But after reading today's post about B's shabby treatment of you I decided to overcome my hesitation and take a chance by writing you.

I was very moved by what you wrote today and previously. I know what hell you went through in your marriage: the wrenching pain at the betrayals and the outrage at the abused trust. And the deep sense of loss when finally accepting that one's marriage was based on not simply lies but also a fundamental deception and thus nothing but a sham.

I'm not writing you to form an ex-wives club. Rather, I want both to commiserate with you and to thank you for the kindness you always showed my son. When he speaks of you, it is always with great fondness, and I'm grateful for your good relationship.

One more thing before I sign off. Maybe it doesn't matter to you that I've been reading your posts; maybe it does matter to you - I don't know. But what I do know is that you've found a much deserved community of friends on OS, a space you clearly enjoy. As I said, I've always felt slightly sneaky reading your posts, and I don't want you to feel that I've been lurking there. I also don't want my potential presence as a reader to spoil your pleasure with OS and so, if you wish, I can promise to stay away. I don't know how to assure you of my good faith: judging from your memoir, B told you both half-truths and downright lies about me (no surprise there), but a personal quality I've managed to maintain is trustworthiness. I can make and keep that promise should you wish it. (Besides, before I stumbled on your blog, I was never much of an OS reader – I generally stick to War Room and Broadsheet.) I joined OS today only to write you this.

I wish you all the best, Fusun.

Regards,

Brenda

FusunA wrote >>

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Hello Brenda,

I am glad to hear from you. I am surprised, to say the least, that we should “meet” like this after all these years, although I had no idea I who you were until paragraph 3. You sound sincere and and I believe you.

I've often wondered about you and how much of the picture B painted was indeed true; but there was no way to find out, of course. I never initiated discussions myself, and the little I know is based on history. On the other hand, there were many times I wished I could have spoken to you about B, because he is still a mystery to me. He turned out to be the personification of Dr Jekyll - Mr Hyde during my life with him. As far as I know there was no deception until the very end, and then it struck like a thunderbolt. Most of our marriage was long distance, with my teaching in Montreal and his in St John's. He seemed very devoted and faithful during that time. In retrospect, however, I can see what a scorpion he has been true to his sign.

There's so much I don't know and understand about him. Doing so would help in full closure. I had resigned to not finding one, since our breakup was very sudden and we no longer keep in touch. He cut me off from all our mutual friends. I believe this is his MO to preserve his side of the “truth”.

You're right about Open Salon: I've made some good friends here. I see it as a space where I can express myself with words and images - a world of my own where no editor can tell me what to do or not to do. You are welcome to read what you wish, and please do not feel as if you are lurking.

If you'd like to correspond I will reply, and get to know you better. We can exchange e-mails and keep in touch. Please let me know.

Thank you for writing, Brenda. I wish you and A. all the best, too.

Sincerely,

Füsun

Never Give Up wrote >>

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Hi Fusun,

Thanks for answering. It occurred to me that you might not have been able to identify me, but I didn't know how to introduce myself. "Greetings from wife #2 to wife #3"?? I think not!

It's funny that you should describe B as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde--that's exactly the comparison that I've often made, too. Like you, he was a mystery to me because I couldn't (and still can't) understand how someone can behave so badly to others and then easily shrug it off. More to the point, I can't understand how a person can live (and also thrive) without listening to his conscience. I used to wonder whether or not he even had a conscience and which is worse: not having a conscience or having one but simply ignoring it. Anyway, I no longer waste much mental energy on that conundrum because it's simply unanswerable.

I am sorry for the way he treated you. But that's the pattern: find a woman who is easy-going and trusting (and also a good cook!) and take advantage of her until it all blows up, and then move on to the next one. This is not to say that you and I are exactly alike, but I think we at least share those salient features. Oh, and we are also very giving when it comes to our bank accounts. (By the way, your memoir describes me as a reckless spendthrift. That hurt because it's so untrue. But I won't go into that - I can already feel the anger begin to bubble. Anger at B, that is.)

A, too, was angry when he learned what his father had done to you. And his older son even refused to speak to him for a good while. He also refused to meet B's latest "soul mate."

As for her: I think B has finally met his match in more ways than he realizes. From what I know (from your blogs and from what A has said - like you, I don't initiate these discussions but I will confess to being curious about her) she is just as duplicitous and scheming as he is. And so the question is: which one of them will betray the other first? Who will be the first to do the back-stabbing? I'm a firm believer in poetic justice. The older I get the more I believe in karma: life might not dish out justice in the courts, but what goes around sooner or later boomerangs back to the perpetrator. Hah!

As for her being a feminist: pfffft! I think she's a "feminist" in the academic sense only (pun intended). That is, because Women's Studies has become fashionable, she describes herself as such simply to be promoted. A genuine feminist would never have connived against you the way she did. A real feminist seeks justice for all (and not just women), wants to help in creating a better world, and would never hook up with a woman-user like B.

As for understanding him, good luck. My therapist (yes, I wound up in therapy) once suggested that he's a narcissist and that's a description that has increasingly made a good deal of sense to me in many ways.

Your post about psychopaths and the responses is very interesting. What struck me is the number of people who say they know or have encountered one, which suggests that there are plenty such people out there. Do you suspect that the B is one? I don’t think he’s a psychopath, but I often wondered whether he is a sociopath or a narcissist, and I think he’s the latter because I have a sense that he does have a conscience. I have no hard proof, but I sense that it’s there and he has become especially skilled - from at least 50 years of practice - at dealing with it by rationalizing and/or justifying to himself his bad behavior. In other words, he lies to his conscience in order to assuage that conscience. Picture an onion: he has layers and layers of lies that were invented in order to minimize/justify previous lies that were invented to minimize/justify previous lies . . .At the center of an onion is nothing—it’s simply layers and layers of tissue. My point here is that because he lies to himself, and not only to mere mortals like you and me, then he must feel a need to tell himself those lies, justifications, obfuscations. And the source of that need is a conscience. Does that make sense? It’s difficult to analyze him in a rational, logical manner because his “nature” or “essence” defies the type of reason that you and I and most others inhabit, because we rely on such distinctions as truth and falsehood, fact and fiction, right and wrong.

You write that you have questions you'd like to ask me. Please don't hesitate: the hurt is long gone and, while the anger is still there at a low level, I've consciously tried not to be bitter. I hope I've succeeded. I used to deny the anger, but I've come to realize that it's a healthy reaction to the way I was treated and so I now acknowledge it but don't let it dictate my life. (I hope that makes sense.)

It's funny, when I learned that B had married you (he never told me, our son did) a friend of mine suggested that I contact you to warn you. I was shocked by that suggestion, but now I wonder if maybe it was a good idea at the time. Anyway, in some ways I wish I had. I won't go there, however, because thinking "if only . . ." gets us nowhere.

Again, thanks for answering my message. I was very nervous about contacting you but now I'm relieved I did.

It really is a small world, isn't it?

Cheers,
Brenda

                       image source

Thus, the best present I received on the tenth anniversary of my defunct marriage to B was Brenda, ex wife number 2, whom he also conned and used and abandoned with his young son – unlike me – almost penniless. We have been writing to each other feverishly almost daily and talking on the phone forging a unigue friendship, finding healing and therapy as no one else would understand what we have really gone through.

B kept us apart to protect his lies about her, and made me believe she was an alcoholic and a monster, but Truth has a way of eventually finding its way into the light of day. And the innocent are vindicated. Brenda lives in Prairie Canada where she is a tenured professor now.  A is an honor university student living with his mom. 

Brenda and I still haven't met. Yet we've come to know each other quite well through our daily emails, phone conversations and kindred spirits who have survived evil through their personal principles by not stooping to it. She is waiting for the first chance to apply for a conference in Montreal to meet her dear new friend. And I hope she will find one soon, as I already made my list of places to take her.

I call it Karma. She found me on Open Salon where I've always been myself.

Füsun Atalay ~ Copyright © Will of my Own - 2011