I am sending up a trial balloon. I’m testing the waters. I’m forming an exploratory committee, and the committee is YOU. Shall I run for Maricopa County Sheriff?
It’s becoming a crowded field. The current sheriff appears to be in for life. In addition, a Republican-turned-Independent, an Independent-turned-Democrat, and a Democrat-turned Conservative, all with decades of law enforcement experience, have entered the fray.But I think I’m a natural. I’m already wearing the pink undies.
I I know what you’re thinking. You want to vote like you’ve voted since 11992. Twenty years with Joe Arpaio is just not enough! You want to stay tthe course.
If you vote for me, I can stay the course. I’m a lot like Joe.
First, like Joe, I love animals. Joe even tries to get more money for dogs in the shelter than for people in his jail. And brings them to the Board of Supervisors meetings. Woof, woof!
Second, like Joe, I’m tough on crime. I’m the toughest cop on Coolidge Street. Joe merely runs the MCSO. I ran a family of five. Two of them were court-certified juvenile delinquents. How’d I manage my criminals? One night everyone got out of hand. I slammed the pan against the sink and the spagetti sauce flew up to the ceiling. That killed their recidivism.What did I feed those criminals that night? I fed them Green Bologne!
Third, I can pack heat.
I’ve fired a .22, a shotgun, a .38 and a Glock. One time we were in the woods. The target was 150 feet away, across the creek. Someone handed me the Glock. I took the stance. On the very first shot, I hit that danged kegger square in the middle. I’m an ace!
Fourth, Joe and I - we both know how to forget – and when. On the stand, you can count on us both to say, “I don’t recall! Illegal campaign contributions? I don’t recall. Racial profiling? I don’t recall. ” Although my lapses are more mundane. “Where’d you put the car keys?” “I don’t recall.” Finally, like Joe, I’m keen on having posses – lots of ‘em. First, I’d get my CPA to run a posse that takes a very close look at the Sheriff’s Office – to see how we could save taxpayer funds. Next, I’d have my bilingual friends run a posse to help speakers of other languages. Ain’t that a twist?
But I believe it’s time for a change. Here’s where we differ.
First, Joe is old. I’m young! He’ll be 80 come the election, and I’m a mere 70. It’s the freshness of youth that will bring better management to the Sheriff’s office.
Second, he’s a guy. I’m a gal. Being a woman has three huge advantages in this job over being a guy – and they matter.
First, I can balance the budget. While the guy likes to think he brings home the bacon, the little Mama actually has to make that checkbook work. I have to ask my sweetie before I go buy a $500,000 van. I might even report on my budget to the Board of Supervisors – if they ever ask.So I’ll cut the fat. I’ll start by cutting the double-dipping fatties.
Second, as a gal, I’ll actually investigate child sex abuse, rape and domestic violence complaints. Who knows? Some of those complaints might even be valid.Now I know some of you think, so what? Weren’t those 400 + women and children in El Mirage illegal anyway? Do we really need to waste taxpayer money protecting them? Maybe not. But what about the perps? If you don’t track them down and put ‘em behind bars, they could abuse again – in your neighborhood.
Third, as a gal, I’m humble. I know I don’t know everything about fighting crime. So I’ll look to the nation’s top model on law enforcement – the FBI. The FBI sets the bar on how to investigate cases and when to close them by “exceptional clearance.” Virtually every cop in the country follows this protocol. Except Joe.
Here’s what to do.First, you investigate those sex crimes. Joe didn’t. Next, you get a name of the accused perp. Joe didn’t. Finally, you can only “solve” the case by “exceptional clearance” if the perp is dead or can’t be extradited. Otherwise, the case remains open and unsolved. Joe labeled over 400 cases “solved” by “exceptional clearance” with no investigation. Those perps are all still at large.
Some people say about rape and domestic violence, “Oh, well, Boys will be boys.” As a gal, I object. I personally had to run down Fraternity Row at a men’s university, barefoot in a raincoat, to escape date rape by an ex-Marine just back from Vietnam.
So I don’t think “boys” get to be “boys.” Unlike Joe, I’d uphold FBI standards. I’d send my team to investigate. Every complaint.
Finally, I differ from Joe because I obey the law as well as enforce it. I might even obey the Public Records law. When I’m required – by law - to turn over records about the jerks in my office that I had to fire, I’ll hand over the records. But then again, I won’t let bozos like that run my shop in the first place. That bit of stonewalling against the Arizona Republic cost the taxpayers $45,000.By the way, I won’t just arrest my political enemies without probable cause and throw them in jail. Who knows, one of “them” may be one of you. And besides, it’s wrong.
Back to our love of animals. I know Joe loves animals. I love ‘em too. That’s why part of me cheered a few years ago when Officer Lovejoy, who owned “Bandit,” a Chandler K-9, was arrested and jailed on charges of “animal abuse.”
Lovejoy had left his dog Bandit in a car. The dog died of neglect.But there was no abuse. The law on animal abuse and cruelty requires intent. In order to enforce the law, we need to know the law. And care about it. I’m just a gal, but I’d read the law. Officer Lovejoy owned up to his negligence, but in no way did he intend to abuse his beloved dog. Sheriff Joe ignored the law, arrested Lovejoy, threw him in jail, held a huge press conference, and talked Andy Thomas into prosecuting the case – until Lovejoy was acquitted.Finally, a conservative Federal Judge found that the animal cruelty statute did not even apply in Lovejoy’s case. Joe’s office had to pay out $775,000.Gosh, I coulda’ saved you, the taxpayers, all that money. I would have followed the law!
So join my team. I have the badge, the puppy and the hat. All I need is volunteers for my posse. Waddya say? Nancy Marshall for Sheriff!