Spin News is reporting that a group of heretics has disavowed the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). These “Apasteists” as they call themselves have broken ranks with the Pastafarian church. Thomas Blogwash, the spokesman for the group, stated “I have never seen the Flying Spaghetti Monster. There is no evidence he exists.”
As expected, reaction from the faithful has been swift and harsh. “America is a Pastafarian nation” proclaimed a righteously indignant Jerry Eatwell, the popular Pastafarian televangelist and conservative talk-show host. “The founding fathers believed in the FSM. They were right about everything and we have to believe whatever they said, so logically that means everybody who enjoys the freedoms of this great nation should be forced to believe in the FSM too.” Sister Mary Linguini, a Pastafarian nun spoke the sentiments shared by the faithful: “When I have a warm spaghetti dinner, with steaming tomato sauce, the aroma of herbs, and the meatballs are so nice and spicy… well, that’s all the proof I need to know that he exists. I see the faces of children, once their faces have been wiped off, and I see the FSM in each of them!”
“Having faith means I must force myself to believe in the FSM even though I can’t see him or prove he exists. It’s a virtue not to think, and it saves so much effort – my pastor even lets me know who to vote for!” chimed in loyal parishioner Marge Muttonhead, on her way to a meeting with her financial advisor, Bernie Madoff.
At the Pastafarian headquarters in Balderdash, Wisconsin, the esteemed leader of the Pastafarian church, His Holy Meatball Lester Schwartz issued an official statement urging the faithful to tolerate the infidels. “Let us gently guide them back to the fold with sound example, love and truth. We will begin by ridiculing them and discriminating against them socially and in the workplace. And in the meantime, in case they need even more understanding and encouragement, we’ll start pounding in the stakes and lighting the fires.”
The emergence of the Apasteists comes in the wake of a poll taken last year by Spin News that put the spotlight on another group whose ranks are expanding. It showed that 15% of Americans now label themselves “Pastnostic”. Burley Porker of Flat Earth, Iowa explained his Pastnostic view this way: “I don’t know if the FSM exists or if he doesn’t. For all I know, he might be sitting outside in my old Buick right now. That would account for the sour smell in the back seat.”