Spin News is reporting that a rogue group of heretics has denied the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). These “Apasteists”, as they call themselves, have broken ranks with the Pastafarian church. Thomas Blogwash, the spokesman for the group, stated “I have never seen the Flying Spaghetti Monster. There is no evidence he exists.”
As expected, reaction from the faithful has been swift and harsh. “America is a Pastafarian nation” proclaimed a righteously indignant Jerry Eatwell, the popular Pastafarian televangelist and conservative talk-show host. “The founding fathers believed in the FSM. We have to believe everything they said because they were perfect and infallible. Everybody who enjoys the freedoms of this great nation should be forced to believe in the FSM too.”
Sister Ditzy Linguini, a Pastafarian nun, shared the sentiments of the true believers: “All I have to do to know he exists is to imagine his noodly appendage and his hot meatballs slathered with steaming sauce. It makes me all warm inside. Why do I need actual proof when it's so much easier just to believe what I've been told?”
Loyal parishioner Marge Muttonhead chimed in. “Having faith means I must force myself to believe in the FSM even though I can’t see him or prove he exists. But it’s a virtue not to think, and it saves so much effort – my pastor even lets me know who to vote for!” She then left for a meeting with her financial advisor, Bernie Madoff.
At the Pastafarian headquarters in Balderdash, Wisconsin, the esteemed leader of the Pastafarian church, His Holy Meatball Guido Bonebreaker issued an official statement urging the faithful to use the same persuasive techniques on the Apasteists as are used on those of other religious beliefs. “Let us gently guide them back to the fold by ridiculing them and discriminating against them socially and in the workplace. And in the meantime, in case they need even more of our special type of understanding and encouragement, we’ll start pounding in the stakes and lighting the fires!”
The emergence of the Apasteists comes in the wake of a poll taken last year by Spin News that put the spotlight on another group whose ranks are expanding. It showed that 15% of Americans now label themselves “Pastnostic”. Burley Porker of Flat Earth, Iowa explained his Pastnostic view this way: “I don’t know if the FSM exists or if he doesn’t. For all I know, he might be sitting out back in my old Buick right now. That would account for the sour smell in the back seat.”