Gary Seven

Gary Seven
Land of Time, Not of Place
January 01
There are two kinds of people in this country, the doomed and the screwheads. Savage tribal thugs who live off their legal incomes, brow deep out there; no respect for human dignity. - Hunter S. Thompson ______________________________ "The best way to predict the future is to invent it." - Alan Kay ______________________________ Sensiblist: My preferred method of offending people is by advocating that we work together and not succumb to ideological extremism. ______________________________ I've been through times with money and times with no money. And you know what? Money is better! ______________________________ "Life isn't just one damn thing after's the same damn thing over and over and over again." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay


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APRIL 13, 2012 5:02PM

Believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster - or Perish!

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Spin News is reporting that a rogue group of heretics has denied the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM).  These “Apasteists”, as they call themselves, have broken ranks with the Pastafarian church.  Thomas Blogwash, the spokesman for the group, stated “I have never seen the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  There is no evidence he exists.”

As expected, reaction from the faithful has been swift and harsh.  “America is a Pastafarian nation” proclaimed a righteously indignant Jerry Eatwell, the popular Pastafarian televangelist and conservative talk-show host.  “The founding fathers believed in the FSM.  We have to believe everything they said because they were perfect and infallible.  Everybody who enjoys the freedoms of this great nation should be forced to believe in the FSM too.” 

Sister Ditzy Linguini, a Pastafarian nun, shared the sentiments of the true believers:  “All I have to do to know he exists is to imagine his noodly appendage and his hot meatballs slathered with steaming sauce.  It makes me all warm inside.  Why do I need actual proof when it's so much easier just to believe what I've been told?” 

Loyal parishioner Marge Muttonhead chimed in. “Having faith means I must force myself to believe in the FSM even though I can’t see him or prove he exists.  But it’s a virtue not to think, and it saves so much effort – my pastor even lets me know who to vote for!”   She then left for a meeting with her financial advisor, Bernie Madoff.

At the Pastafarian headquarters in Balderdash, Wisconsin, the esteemed leader of the Pastafarian church, His Holy Meatball Guido Bonebreaker issued an official statement urging the faithful to use the same persuasive techniques on the Apasteists as are used on those of other religious beliefs.  “Let us gently guide them back to the fold by ridiculing them and discriminating against them socially and in the workplace.  And in the meantime, in case they need even more of our special type of understanding and encouragement, we’ll start pounding in the stakes and lighting the fires!”

The emergence of the Apasteists comes in the wake of a poll taken last year by Spin News that put the spotlight on another group whose ranks are expanding.  It showed that 15% of Americans now label themselves “Pastnostic”.  Burley Porker of Flat Earth, Iowa explained his Pastnostic view this way:  “I don’t know if the FSM exists or if he doesn’t.  For all I know, he might be sitting out back in my old Buick right now.  That would account for the sour smell in the back seat.”

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I think you've been using more than just meat in your sauce Gary.
It would be nice if it was served with a special mushroom blend of sauce, as Out on a limb suggests. His noodly appendage would like to give you a hand with that...
Limb, errr, come on, I'm just reporting the facts -- YOU decide!

Oryoki, and let's not forget the meat balls!
If nothing else, consuming their god as in the long Catholic traditional ceremony, is far tastier and nourishing than the rather insipid Catholic wafer. That alone should encourage heavy recruitment to the faith.
His Noodley Highness has spoken directly to me and that's all I need to know!

(*Actually, it wasn't any great revelation. All he said was, "You're getting my sauce on your tie, you dumb ass."*)

Are you gonna eat that last noodle? 〄
I think we both like the same dish only I add some anchovies for good measure.
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Jan, from a poem I read long ago...

But in matters Eucharistic
Westerner proves the mystic
Although the mystery defeats him
If he loves his God he eats him
On a (?) serious note, didja hear about the guy (where? Eng? Australia?
surely not the U.S.) who finally won the right, as a Pastafarian, to be photographed for his driver's license with his religious headgear, a spaghetti strainer? There were photos up on the web... Okay, I just googled it. It was AUSTRIA! (You vill vear your colander!)
Myriad, Hats (strainers?) off to the guy. It's worthwhile to show religious people how nonsensical religion looks to the atheist. It gives them some needed perspective and perhaps empathy. Religious people often think that it should be OK to display (their) religious symbols in public property and to recite religious prayers during public events. But they might understand how offensive and disresepctful this is to non-religious people if they were subjected to public displays of the FSM and Pastafarian prayers and chants. OK, who is going to create some interesting ones? This should be fun!
Googled for Pastaferian chants, with no luck. But they have lots of prayers. Here's one:

Our Pasta

Our Pasta, who “Arghh” in heaven, Swallowed be thy shame. Thy Midgit come. Thy Sauce be yum, On top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread. And give us our cutlasses, As we swashbuckle, splice the main-brace and cuss. And lead us into temptation, But deliver us some Pizza. For thine are Meatballs, and the beer, and the strippers, for ever and ever. RAmen.
Maybe you think this is all 'funny' Mr. Fandango but there are peeples like moi who have a tiny little-wittle pasta noodle in their crotches, instead of a rambunctious tool. Pastafarianism has made it possible for lil noodlers like me to feel that we have some 'starch in our shorts.' If you continue to insist on belittling our noodles and making fun of 'noodling' and all other sacrosanct rituals of Pastafarianism then may your 'spaghetti never stick to the wall', which is the most vehement curse a Pastafarian could launch against an unbeliever like you. Who knows? Maybe depraved anti-Pastas like you will next suggest combining Angel's Hair pasta with ravioli and undermine the Ciliac Wheat Fiber and Macaroni Shell backbone of our Carbohydrate Union...harrumph to you Sir, and away with you, down the Universal Sieve!....wink
Myriad, Ramen to that!
Jejune, The FSM "works in mysterious ways"... and so do you.

Your great comments have kept this discussion on track in the manner intended for all hocus focus, spirits, gods and boogeymen.
If there's something in that gravy I sure as hell want some.
So, at the front of your church, on the wall, do you have a detailed pot with the Holy Monster's head sticking out or just the Stylized Pot? And what about on a chain around your neck? Have you ever had surgery or any other procedure at Holy Pot Hospital? Have you ever seen an Ancient Baggie in a museum containing a few drops of water from the One True Pot? Have you read the Gospel of St. Alphonso Dente?

In my world, the questions would be different:
Can you have pesto and tomato sauce at the same meal?
Can you carry a pot to a neighbor's house on Saturday?
Which dialect do you pray in: Do you pronounce it "berling" or "boiling"?
Can you keep water simmering forever over an Eternal Light?
Do you wear an oven mitt stuffed into the waistband of your underpants at all times?

My favorite comment so far is Myriad's.
I don't know if the FSM exists. I guess that makes me apastanostic. I do know we should consider the religion of any candidate for public office a topic that is off limits. As Ike said so long ago, it's important to have faith--"and I don't care what it is" because the content doesn't matter, just the belief in the value of believing. And schools shouldn't exclude any religious faith. Teach the controversy!
Jonathon, take a big serving!
Kosher, good questions. Seek guidance from the FSM.

Donegal, with regard to religions, "faith" means that a person believes something for which there is no evidence. I want to see things as they are, so I don't have that kind of faith. However, a person can have a "belief" that is founded on the basis of facts and reason, and this has nothing to do with religion. That's for me. I vote for a political candidate based on the soundness of his reasoning, experience and how well I think he can do the job. A religious or political ideologue makes a poor leader.
That was quite...'delicious'. I'm going to re-read it tonight...with the leftover angel-hair and olive oil in the fridge. (and a nice chianti!). I enjoyed it just as much as this:

A most delightful romp through the rigours of Pastafarianism. Well done! I became a firm believer in the FSM when I realised that I came away from every service with a bull belly, unlike those 'other' religions where you only get a feeling of guilt unless you put money in the pot.

Gary,I have the FSM on my shelf, your pieces funny. To answer your question, it doesn't so much matter if the persons really enlightened or just firmly believes that they are . The results are the same.