At the age of Ninety-two, Momma knows the uncertainties most people carry as they think about the metaphysical aspects of the human condition, so she joined Netflix and watched the entire series of “Kung-Fu”(1972) starring David Carradine.

After 3 installments Momma’s way of seeing things were profoundly changed. She became calm, and prone to reflection (when I'm angry with her, she easily deflects my stern glares).

It was easy to see Momma had morphed from this brash, hard-ridin’, hard-drinkin’ “Queen of the Prairie Highway”, to a brooding, thoughtful philosopher-gal. She seemed to retain that certain roughness around her edges, but after a few minutes of conversation with her, I understood she had qualified herself for a Dr (equiv.) of Psychology, with a PhD (equiv.) in Eastern Philosophy. We made up several documents, and added new items to her resume.  I posted this advice column for her, hoping to help respondents who are looking for alternative answers to seemingly insoluble problems.

 Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 10:25 AM

Momma,

please come and get me!

booboo

Wednesday January 12, 2011 - 09:00 PM

Dear booboo,

You must not worry my son/daughter/educated primate/etc.

What you ask is possible, everyone should be got at some time or another, and they can be got good, or got so-so, but I sense you would benefit more from a subtle form of physical therapy called: "THE BACK OF MY HAND!...Now get back to your room!

Momma

Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 10:09 AM

Dear Momma,

 There's gum stuck in my hair. Now I remember.

What's the name of that guy, who did that thing with that other thing?

You know, over there, in that shack that used to be there…where those things

are that he did something with. I hope I'm making sense.

BeeBee

Wednesday, January 12, 2011 - 10:22 AM

Dear BeeBee,

Honey, do you know where you are? Now I know how out of sorts I get after a bad hair-do, so I understand… Now I want you to look in the yellow pages under “T” and find the word,

“T-h-e-r-a-p-i-s-t.”

Momma

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Dear Momma,

I was having a cocktail with my fiancé the other evening, when he told me a funny story and I laughed so hard, my top dental plate flew out of my mouth and into the beer glass in front of me. We both watched in horror as it floated gently to the bottom of the glass. The beer glass was one of those tall ones that hold alot of liquid, and I could not get my hand down past the narrow walls of the glass to retrieve my denture.

I took a spare freezer bag out of my purse (I use them to organize my makeup) and carefully poured the beer into the bag, then I shook the glass upside-down, trying to dislodge my dental plate. When it refused to budge, I smacked the bottom of the glass and the denture shot out; unfortunately it flew in the direction of my boyfriend's ex-wife, who was sitting a few feet away at a table with our city's Mayor and his family.

The denture hit the edge of their table and skidded to the center as it bumped with a slight ringing sound against the Mayor's glass. I walked over and snatched up the dental plate, stuck it back in my mouth and said, "Well Mr Mayor, I thought you looked great in the St Patrick's Day Parade this year.

I was still holding the beer glass and the freezer bag full of beer, so I poured the beer back into the glass and offered a toast to the Mayor's family.

It was puzzling to me that no one said anything, or raised their glasses. When I returned to my table, I found my boyfriend was gone. I waited a couple of hours in case he had gone to the rest room. When He didn't show, I went home. That was three weeks ago. He won't return my calls---what is wrong with me?

WaJa

Tuesday, January11, 2011 - 08:50 AM

Dear WaJa,

I was insane once. It's lonely. Even though it isn’t enough of a reason for your boyfriend to leave you, my first impulse is to suggest you GET HELP--right now, and lots of it...start by getting a better dentist, never drink from a glass that is narrower than your hand, and always address your Mayor as "Your Honor."

Momma

Friday, March 11, 2011

Dear Momma,

What should I wear?

 BinkBonk

Friday, March 18, 2011

Dear BinkBonk,

Honey, someone has to do something about that name of yours before you can get a good fit in clothing. Your name will haunt you, and I know it seems strange, but nothing will fit right until you can tell folks your name without them saying, "What?", or "Don't shit me girl (woman/person/fella)!"  With a simple change to a more common name like, "Georgia", or "Layla", you'll have them on their knees and your clothing fibers will seem more natural and attuned to your body type than ever. 

 Momma

 Tuesday, November 29 2011 - 12:29 AM

Momma,

What questions does Christmas ask?

Holly Day

 Tuesday, November 29 2011 - 7:08 AM

Dear Holly,

Well I think the biggest question is how Mary and Joseph were able to keep that child from fussin'. With all those visitors coming from thousdands of miles away, do you think they wanted to hear a cryin' kid?

I did a little bit of research and and found out about Baby Swaddling

Young parents must decide.

Momma

 Tuesday, November 29 2011 - 7:05 AM

Momma,

Just one question, Why?

Chicago Guy

 Tuesday, November 29 2011 - 7:11 AM

Dear Chicago Guy,

 I think the a better question is "who?" because it inspires retribution in most folks to get at those larger truths....or whatever is true for the folks you are gettin' revenge on. Be firm, but fair, unless it's your boss, then forget it.

Honey, you must find your best path, and in Chicago, there are many .

Momma

 Tuesday, November 29 2011 - 9:55 AM

Momma,

I distinctly remember asking you several weeks ago what the best silver polish is. You neglected to answer me and my rubber gloves have saved me from a pitiful chemical death, as I have polished my brains out, with a local brand. Any suggestions on how to get the brains back in?

Cleaned No Lady

 Tuesday, November 29 2011 - 12:17 PM

Dear Cleaned No Lady,

 Now I don't want to age anybody, but back in the fifties, most husbands prefered our brains to stay out....so if your husband is hopelessly locked in the 50's, don't fret on his account. What matters is your matter.

Now in these times, you want to take care not to polish your brains out in the first place. Gittin' yourself a mantra will help. Also, read The National Inquirer, then in mid-sentence switch to Proust's Swann's Way. This is gonna have a slingshot effect on your grey matter, snappin' it back into your noggin...

Good luck Honey, you're gonna be fine....

Momma

all content and photo copyright © 2011 by Gary Justis