The first time a friend of mine told me that she and her husband had an open relationship, I was outwardly interested and supportive.  Inside, however, I was shocked and repulsed.  How could they do that?  How could anyone say they loved someone and then go sleep with someone else?  Wasn't it just cheating? 

Years later, I would sort of cheat on my husband; we had discussed my feelings for another man, and certain things (such as kissing him) were absolutely fine.  Good idea in theory, no?  What wasn't okay was me abandoning my husband for the other guy (who had a long-distance girlfriend - what a mess!)  Which is exactly what happened.  It was a terrible time, but I believe that my marriage is all the stronger for it.  We went to a couples' therapist, but her scant knowledge of and attitude toward non-mongamy began to grate:

"So you're swingers?"

"No," I tried to explain patiently, yet again.  "We're not swingers; swingers are people who go to parties and social occasions for the express purpose of having sex with other people, but don't usually get emotionally involved.  We are here talking to you because we tried to have a non-mongamous relationship and it caused problems within our marriage because I didn't hold up my end of the agreement."

Sound a bit pedantic?  I suppose it was, but I'd been reading a lot, and don't think that all non-mongamy can or should be lumped together.  She just wasn't very bright, and never quite seemed to get it.

So we go on from here; so we try to figure out what's going to work for us as a couple, and what isn't.  But sometimes it's difficult, disappointing, frustrating.  Consensual non-monogamy has happened since time out if mind, but it's not exactly socially acceptable.  I can't tell my parents that I love more than one person; they actually seem to believe that gay marriage being legalized will cause the downfall of the (Christian Right idea of) the institution of marriage, and that it will lead to Mormon splinter sects being able to marry twelve-year-olds off to men old enough to be their grandfathers.  On the other end of that spectrum, one of my best friends and his partner of many years were very vocally shocked and a bit horrified when I told them about my ideas on the subject.  I fully support their right to marry and will be delighted when they can do so; I'd just like to be extended the same courtesy.   

I've also been a bit annoyed to have been propositioned quite a few times recently, by a few different people, who want me to be complicit in them cheating on their significant others.  This bothers me because I work hard at having an honest relationship with my husband; if all parties involved are not going to know what's going on, I don't want to do it. 

(That is partly the truth.  I want to, of course I do.  I'm human.  But I don't feel that I should.) 

This isn't an easy thing to talk about.  I just worked up the courage to tell my sister a little while ago; luckily, she is understanding and supportive.  Some of our closest friends are aware of the nature of our relationship, but not necessaily the details.   I was talking to one about dating, specifically dating sites, last night.  He said he didn't like the idea of them. "It just seems so artificial - I've always just dated people I hung out with, became friends with." 

Which is exactly how I feel, and I would much prefer it happened that way for me too...but as I told him, my situation is very different.  "I'm married, first and foremost.  Non-monogamous, yes, and with my husband's consent and support, but so many people are extremely uncomfortable with that.  And I feel like...people have to know that up front, before anything else happens.  I can't get to know someone and fall for them and then tell them, hey, I want to date you...can I?  I don't think so."

It certainly didn't help that I have done exactly that with him.  He knows me, knows about our marriage, we're close, and he's sweet and caring and affectionate.  We say "I love you," and mean it.  I wish that I could express that to him as I would anyone I were in love with, but I cannot take any steps to change things in any way.  I'm paralyzed by what he would think of me, what society probably thinks of me, how our dear friendship might change for the worse.  It's disheartening, but I suppose it's better to keep things the way they are. 

I read something earlier today (and this isn't the first time I've heard this) stating that people in non-monogamous relationships are stupid, deluded, foolish.  All I can say to that is that there are good and bad relationships of every type.  I believe that some people are well-suited to monogamous relationships and can make them work. I believe the same thing of non-monogamous relationships. I try to respect peoples' choices, either way, as long as they are honest and forthcoming with themselves and others.

 I don't care if you don't agree with the way I live my life, and I don't want to hear that I'm an idiot or fooling myself either.