All I can say is that I wish you weren't having to deal with this living alone. I had panic attacks 11 years ago when I was on the pill briefly. It felt like hell, literally. Then, two and a half years ago, I got dehydrated and malnourished and thought I was experiencing the end, along with more panic attacks that seem to be part of dehydration. It was an accident, an oversight, being too busy and not taking care to eat and drink enough in a dry climate. I am in tears for you. What is rock bottom? Maybe the hours/days/weeks before determination becomes stronger than fear. I'm guessing. That's what it was for me in 1997. No answers here, just hope that you will find relief from fear soon.

Hi Gerri.
Rock bottom is when we're so scared we change. Love to you now.

Dear Gerri,
I think Kim is right. I am glad you are here writing...

**huge hugs**

Rated!

I think it was brave of you to write this. {hugs}
*R*

Compelling piece. Very hard to read, but compelling. I wish you healing, angels and peace.

Holding your hand across the miles. It'll get better...I know this only because the writing helps. Keep going.

Ouch! It doesn't sound like fear is the immediate threat, but I'm frustrated and afraid for you. I recall being intimidated several times with extremely large, powerful persons of the 'gentler' sex have bumped into my life and projected hostility; but am enamoured by a simularly large & powerful family of women who exude self confidence and acceptance in spite of their assets being overly generous. They tickle me, and I always want a hug; even if I feel like a kitten when they oblige. Odd little maze, I don't know the way out, but it will change. Everything changes in time. I want to hang around and watch, hopefully to rejoice with you through the good changes. It's good that you are not hiding.

Panic attacks are not fun and never seem to end when you get them. I do not remember them with fondness.
Please know that writing about this is exactly the right thing to do. You will get advice and encouragement, and you will also help the ones who are in this same boat and have no clue as to what to do next.
Take care of yourself first and foremost. Know that we all care about you and are here for you one message away.
And please keep us updated. I care here.

I hope things get better for you.....take it one muffin top at a time :)

Rock bottom is where *you* think it is.

I've been reading your blog sporadically (I quit the site), and reading back a little, do you have any friends you could take with you to the therapists office and the nutritionists?

I read back a little, and even if the therapist and nutritionist *are* becoming 'frustrated' with you, it's NOT their right to tell you, especially as you're vulnerable *anyway*. So maybe if you could take someone with you next time who'll stand up for you when they start threatening you with hospital etc.

So far as I'm aware, eating disorders worsen with stress...... and the health professionals who are *supposed* to be helping you are *stressing you*.

As for the panic attacks... try a calming bit of music, and breathe in time with it, *if* you can remember to put the music on. I've had panic attacks and they're *not* nice things to live through. Thing to remember though is you *don't* die from them.

I've checked with my inner chef, *and* my outer, and muffins are *not* the same as cake. Muffins are muffins, pure and simple.

You *can* get through this, you have before.

Best wishes, good luck and please ask a friend to advocate for you... you have enough to deal with without health professionals being *unprofessional*.

This just hurts, Gerri. There has to be more help than writing here, because after you write and get the comments, you're probably still feeling alone with yourself. I want to offer anything that has helped me, but I am still struggling. Right now I am reading a little book every morning: The Sunlit Path by The Mother. It feels a little alien, a little embracing. (Oh--and the ad that I always have on my site I see here too: 1 Tip for a tiny belly...ain't that adding insult to injury! Plus it's so badly drawn!) Thinking of you, sending you empathetic and healing thoughts.

Does "rock bottom" lie at different depths for different people?

Kim Gamble said it: "...when we're so scared we change."

It's all in the ability to change and to not lose hope and faith. Here's hope for you getting better.

The Xanax and Ativan weren't working any more and I went from anxiety attacks to panic attacks, couldn't sleep, couldn't keep food down, night terror, day terror. Doctors with four mouths and zero ears, you know, you've read my posts. I know what they do to you.

The therapist suggested melatonin (I know pilots take it to reset their body clocks), unfortunately I took too much the first time and it was like taking a bunch of Valium but now I feel so much better.

I haven't had an anxiety attack in 10 days!!! I've slept well for a week!!! Well, once I got over the fear of falling asleep and having a heart attack, stroke or burglar.

I don't know if my pineal gland wasn't making enough melatonin or what the deal is. I did a lot of research and there isn't much information I could understand on the pineal gland but there is a lot of data about melatonin.

It regulates sleep cycles (circadian rhythms), reduces anxiety, helps with depression and a ton of hormonal functions. Because I'm able to eat all I want I'm able to eat melatonin rich foods throughout the day (handful of cheerios, boiled egg, banana) I can avert the anxiety when it starts, that may not work for you.

Perhaps it will help you like it helped me, I tried everything and no matter what drug I took I got worse, the doctors and my family blamed me because the drugs didn't work in my body. So I just pissed everyone off or disappointed them and that stressed me out more. I was living in constant freak-out mode. Ignore those who are judgy and single minded, they won't understand until something terrible happens to them, they will stop chattering and listen instead.

Check with the pharmacist and doctor to see if melatonin is contraindicated with any of your meds and maybe you can take small amounts to get you through the day. It's contraindicated with some anti-depressants because apparently they increase melatonin production in the brain. Please be careful with your poor body.

I did find one study that says the Benzos decrease melatonin production in the brain so I think taking a couple of Xanax to sleep was making me have insomnia and and anxious while I was a bit stoned, perhaps it works differently in other people than it did in me.

The first night I took 5mg with my calcium and within 10 minutes it was like I was falling down drunk because calcium increases your melatonin output. Don't make the same mistake I did.

The label says not to take it if you have an auto-immune disorder so I suspect that's why my arthritis is killing me right now. I guess I'll have to live with the pain because it's better to limp and not be able to lift things than it is to live in terror 24 hours a day. It's a choice I consciously made for a trade off and luckily I have a very high pain tolerance.

I'm hoping in a week to stop taking the 2.5 mg at night and see if my joints feel better again, I feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat so if you have an auto-immune disorder be careful. I think once I have a regular sleep cycle again my pineal gland can do it's job, I'm hoping it's not completely calcified or broken. We get older and stuff rusts, I felt like I was spiraling downward.

I suspect I've been like this for decades but no one knew this stuff. I never knew about the pineal gland, I only knew about the thyroid and it tested fine. Check and see if you can at least take a little perhaps 1 mg, to sleep at night. If not, my girlfriend was right, taking my calcium supplement at night helps me relax so when I get in bed and take the melatonin I fall asleep.

Keep asking people, doctors forget that each of us is biologically different. I know you aren't looking for just comfort, I know how desperate you are to find a real solution, I really do understand that part. Someone out there has something that worked for them and perhaps it will work for you. You obviously want to get well or you wouldn't still be looking for a solution, some are not aware that you are seeking treatment.

The hardest thing for me get used to is the feeling of being relaxed, it's a little bit scary and strange. I don't know if you can die from fear, I do know it's a horror to live with it every day.

oh my, Gerri. I was so sorry to read this. But, then, the fact that you are writing this is encouraging. I agree that it would be good if you can find someone to advocate for you. and remember that you've gotten through this before, and you can again. What really disturbs me is that they'd give you Ativan and then put you in a car!!
Take care, Gerri and keep writing.

Thank you everyone for your comments, love, support and suggestions. I just woke up from a much needed sleep. I ususally try to respond to each comment personally but I find myself overwhelmed right now, so I hope you'll forgive me for this general response. I do have a fami;y session with my brother and sister-in-law scheduled for Tuesday night to tell him about the anorexia and accident as I am frightened (almost) to death to disclose either to them and need a neutral setting. Wish me wings and a prayer.

People don't die from fear, but they can die from the things the fear makes them do (or not do). Resist the voices. Embrace offered help. Devour the best wishes of your readers.