Since the first night of finding out that the man I had truly loved had decided to walk away from our life together, I had been battling within myself on every level to try and see if there was any truth in anything he had ever told me and everything I have told myself in our six year long relationship. We had a son together, we had a family starting, we had stability and a future. Now its ashes spread so far that i have forgotten where the fire pit once was. But last night, a puzzle piece fell into place and i feel a sense of unsettling peace wrapping its strangely warped hands around my heart. Wrapping my twisted wretched muscle in a cast of smothering relization.
"I have no regrets about our relationship and our marriage martha, I have no reason to regret anything we did and I was always happy in our marriage, right up to the end I was happy. "
"then why are we getting a divorce ian? happy couples don't get divorced, i believe that you loved me and I know I loved you I don't follow what you mean"
"I had cheated on you too many times martha, I loved to see your smile and I loved to make you happy and if you knew all the things I have been doing those things would never look natural on your face again, they would be faked and false. In my heart I couldn't stand that, so I decided to give you the chance to have better, to find better. I made the choice I knew you never would."
I hear this conversation almost perfectly in my head since he spoke to me, the sound of his voice and the ach that begain to empty out my heart of anything I had felt before. I found no room for anything but that ach and as I listend I cried for being treated like a child, for having the most important choice made for me. I never wanted my marriage to end and had the week before he ended everything made that resloution. I was shadows and he was mine until one of us died, I loved my family with my whole heart and didn't want anything to break us apart.
But the man I married saw only his flaws and decided for me that the pain I am going through now, the suicidal tendencys I have always had running rampunt, the unhappiness is the key to my cage and the chance to be with someone "who will not hurt you constantly". Sex means nothing to me now, love is a fruitless labor that I cannot bring myself to partake in. The strength and determination I had before building up is now dissolving infront of my eyes. He gave me the acid and I destroyed it all without realizing it, when all I had to do was set the bottle down and just keep building.
"and what if your wrong ian? what if I don't find better and I settle? what if I was only meant to be where I was. You said so yourself that you left me before but that you regreated it so much that when you found me again you sware to never let go. What if your just repeating your mistake again?"
"then it is my mistake to repeat, and if you decide to settle and not move forward with the chance I have given you, then it is your choice and not mine. I've given you the key its up to you on how many doors you decide to open."
I had to ask myself if I am happy where I am. If the relationtionship is me settling or because I want to be here. Are the things I am going through what I want to go through for the rest of my life? can I go through it with malcolm at my side and be sure I can be happy where I am? I had to ask myself last night if I really am just settling and if that is going to be how I use my chance. I found love so full and filled with heat that it makes the feelings I have now freeze in my heart. I loved a man so deeply that I let him into every bit of my life and loved the feeling of him there. I had never been happier then the day he said "I do" to me, then every time he came back to me after being away, then as he would tell me he loved me. I fear I feel nothing once again. That the emotions I had nurtured and helped grow failed before harvest time, and now my twisted wretched muscle is failing. Love filled my life once and kept me warm in the winter, soft when I would have been harsh, and smooth when I would have been rough.
I love eric, I have great appreciation to him for all he is doing and partaking being with me. I love that he is always there, even in the most clumsy of ways waiting to learn how to love and care for me. I love that he is willing to try so hard. I love the actions and I feel great feelings for the man. But does it account for love? have I found what I was ment to go through for that "forever"? is it fair to even try to compare the feelings I had for ian to the feelings I now feel for eric? I don't know where I could go if I found that this is not where I am meant to be. I don't know anything more then when I started asking myself questions last night before finally falling into a fitful sleep.
Despite everything I still hold true that there is only one forever love for every person, that we are made for one person and one person alone. We survive until we find that person and then we begin to live. We all have the signal to try and find the matching heartbeat in the world inside us. And I believe once it's found no signal will ever match as well again as long as we live.
I hate to sound clichi on this but I belive I have found and lost mine, and the truth to that feeling is in the pounding of my heart as I write this. I will find love again but i feel that no love will ever set me on fire and make me breath like the one i have lost had. I am only 21, and the only time I have ever felt this lost in life was after my mother died during my tweens. No one has died this time around, and no one has hit me or pushed me away. But someone did tell me something that has permently altered any descion I will make during the rest of my life. It's just one more roll of the dye to get started on the board again. I'm just afarid that no dots will appear.