If adults don't understand, how can we expect kids to?
I remember being a kid and suffering (like I'm sure everyone did at some point) cruel words spoken to me, and behind my back. By all accounts, I was a pretty "normal" kid. As I matured into a "normal" adult, I set my focus on establishing a "normal" job with a "normal" home and "normal" family. I got the normal job and home, but normal family? Anything BUT.
Combined with my deep-seated and idealistic desire to contribute to a higher cause more than my mere existence seemed to provide, the immediate family that graces my life today has allowed me a rare opportunity to offer a platform to better understand those who are misunderstood -- even if in the tiniest and most miniscule of ways.
Through my gender non-conforming son, I have been stretched and challenged even in my own progressive views on the subject. For instance, I had never thought to consider that having a child who is "different" than other kids would create the intense anxiety it has in him. For anyone reading this, when you picture a "girlyboy", you probably imagine a sensitive child, maybe one who is shy, and quiet. One who likes to do art and create things, one who defines his/her space with all the accessories one imagines the opposite genders enjoys.
But my guess is that most people don't stop to consider all possibilities of the word "sensitive" or "anxious" or "emotional".
In our world "sensitive" means that words are regularly misconstrued and feelings are hurt, "anxious" means aggression/anger/violence and entering a world where he checks out, and "emotional" means a meltdown because the right skinny jeans have failed to turn up. And to top it off, he's a child whose will is stronger than anyone I know. This all happens on a regular basis and is quite literally a roller coaster from Hell.
Mind you, it's not all bad. On the flip side, we have a child who is extraordinarily bright and generous, loving and empathetic when he opens himself up (probably to a certain degree of dysfunction), has a keep appreciation for the arts (ballet, music, and theater), and is ... well... FUN. When he's in his "good space," the child is FUNNY and looks like he loves life!
But today has me thinking a lot about who he is, how I see him, how the world sees him, and how he sees himself. I know that the questions and comments ("Are you a boy or a girl?" "Why are you a girlyboy?" "Boys don't wear headbands!") are hurtful in that it draws attention to the fact that he's different. He fields those comments well and knows all the right answers that we have coached him to say. From what I can ascertain, his teachers and daycare providers are supportive, but on a deeper level, I know it cuts.
One day he gave me a chance to understand the tumult that he deals with every day. It was an eye-opening and heart-wrenching experience, but on the surface, it could have easily been dismissed as just another bad temper tantrum. This time was different, though, and something told me to just stay with him and not talk. Let him open up and let the words flow as they come.
I think the tantrum was spurred by something being out of place. He was wearing one of his favorite shirts with elastic cap sleeves and eyelet lace around the scoopneck collar. Maybe it was the 4' x 5' full-length mirror for his room we had just gotten him so he could watch himself do ballet, or maybe it was a few hairs out of place. Whatever it was, he began storming around the room in a fit of rage, throwing everything into the center of his room. I sat down on the floor in front of his door so he could not leave. I spoke to him calmly, but that only served to further incite the tantrum. Finally he shrilled at the top of his lungs, "I HATE BOYS WHO LIKE GIRL THINGS!!! BOYS WHO LIKE GIRL THINGS ARE STUPID!!!" (pause) "I'M A BOY WHO LIKES GIRL THINGS! I'M A LOSER!"
The words seemed to come out of nowhere and seemed appropos of nothing in the moment, so they really caught me off guard. They all hurt like a mo-fo. After all the words of encouragement we have given him, after all the love and acceptance and safety we have made sure to provide him, how could he be saying these things? Could he really mean it?
The tears streaming down his face and his clawing at his favorite shirt he was desperately trying to rip off his body suggested that yes, he really did mean it.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Patti Green
Green Pumpkin
binarysubverter
megwc
Sarah Hoffman
Sparking
Salon.com
Comments
Nicely written. Welcome.
Hang in there. Give unequivocal love. Of course, that doesn't mean all behavior is acceptable. But you were luckily "right" to just observe and let it play out.
Rated.
Here's a well written piece from the Atlantic.
I'm still hunting for this television new magazine show I saw several months ago, you know, like 20/20 or something.
Hang in there. Let him talk. Having a supportive family base is awesome.
Childhood is incredibly difficult for the child who is the least bit thoughtful or introspective or different. And you know what, this is like 90% of children, all with their own unique crosses to bear which mark them as unusual or different (which might be any number of obvious or unseen health conditions, family tumult, poverty, abuse).
To top it off, kids say very cruel things and laugh inappropriately at other people's misfortunes, as is their wild and untamed nature.
The cure for internalized self-hatred in childhood is the realization that others are suffering in their own ways.
Your son's sensitivity to unfairness and injustice will allow him to develop empathy sooner than most.
Gently turn his head away from the mirror and direct him in the simple and powerful ways he can reach out and help others.
Though I don't have the same issues, I've felt this way when I was rejected for something I really wanted - a position, notice, etc. You know you are worthy of something, but when favoritism or some injustice steps in the way, you feel less loved, appreciated. Please let your son know that everyone feels like this sometimes, it isn't just him.
If I've read this right, your three year old fell in love with a sparkly outfit, which you, being a loving mother, bought for him. Since then, he's worn girls clothes, and is basically being brought up as a girl, yes?
He's SIX YEARS OLD. Ask any Transgender adult, and they will tell you that living as the opposite of their *physical* gender, is the most difficult thing to do in public life. Most require intense counselling to do so, and quite honestly, medication to support their mental health whilst doing so.
What support/counselling does your son have? Or do you just drop him off at the gates and let him struggle?
The best thing you can do for your son is to support him, and love him, and let him wear what *he* wants. Which includes boys clothes. If he's tearing at his clothes, that doesn't seem to me to be a child who is happy with the gender identity YOU lumbered him with.
Does HE want to be a girl, or do YOU want him to be a girl?
Oh, and as a side note..... many pedophiles invoke self-confusion in their victims as part of their grooming. You've posted a full face picture of your "gender-confused" child on a public site. You might wanna research how people can be tracked down on the internet.
One of my daughter's closest friends is a boy who "likes girl things" and I often find it difficult to explain his "different-ness" to her. Kids like regularity and patterns that are easy to follow. In some ways, they crave uniformity, because it puts them at ease. But, as a parent, I am very grateful for the opportunity to teach my child that humanity falls on a spectrum and not everyone is alike. Besides, he's just a terrific friend for my daughter.
I am the mother of 2 sets of twins. One boy/girl (now age 15) and one girls (age 6). At six my son wanted very much to dress in girl's clothes... they tend to be soft and silky rather than rough like boys clothes and no matter what age you are soft and silky is a good thing. I LET him... AT HOME. It lasted a very short period of time and then *he* was done with that particular phase. He, at 15, is the most sensitive of my children... BUT that does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that he's either "gay" or "transgendered". It means that he is a sensitive young man who cares deeply about the people around him. PERIOD.
One of my 6 year old daughters is as "girly" as all get out... ruffles and lace and dresses and strawberry blond hair down to her waist. My OTHER six year old daughter is a tomboy from the word go... blue jeans and trucks and mucking about doing "boy things". Neither one of them has a CLUE what "gender" even MEANS let alone that how they are acting indicates "gender" to some people. They will have the sexual inclinations that WakanTanka has already determined and no amount of mucking about on my part is going to change it.
Your son may OR MAY NOT be transgendered. On the other hand... you've got about 3 maybe 4 years before his classmates find your posts (IF their parents haven't already) and it WILL hit the elementary school rumor mill when they do and THAT my dear WILL make your son's life a LOT more difficult whether he is "all boy", "transgendered", "straight", "gay" or "gender neutral".
Six year old children TYPICALLY behave in ways that make their PARENTS happy... NOT in ways that make the children themselves happy. At that age they live up, or down, to OUR expectations and because of that we need to encourage them to explore rather than locking them into one particular "role".
I can think of nothing more insane than to be normal. Lying is the norm.
All blessings and peace to you and yours as you support and guide your child to the best of your ability. Clearly, you're way ahead of the curve in that you care enough to pay attention.
Have you considered letting him live as a girl full-time?
And have you talked to Elena yet? I think she might be able to help. http://open.salon.com/blog/elena_kelly
It's not 'girly' to have frequent meltdowns over little things, nor is it 'girly' to be intensely anxious. The choice of clothes seems to me to be window-dressing over a host of other issues. While he may not fit the image of a rough and tumble 'boy', it doesn't make him 'girly'.
I would have a thorough neurological evaluation, and a neuro-psych work-up.
Thank you for being the kind of mother I wish I had had when I was your child's (I can't say "son's") age.
HourglassFigure writes in her comment: "Ask any Transgender adult, and they will tell you that living as the opposite of their *physical* gender, is the most difficult thing to do in public life. Most require intense counselling to do so, and quite honestly, medication to support their mental health whilst doing so.
"
Well, if you are asking me, then I most vehemently disagree. Living outwardly as one's internal gender is the easiest, most natural thing there is. What requires "counseling" and "medication" is all the crap heaped on a person by the outside world, including (especially?) parents to try to get them to live a lie. On the other hand, HIDING one's true self and living a lie...now, THAT is hard. And that requires medication, which is why so many of us self-medicate all sorts of ways while trying to maintain the lie expected of us by society. Living that lie kills a high percentage of us, in fact.
And I think the earlier a trans person can start to live their true life, the better for that person, no matter the difficulty of doing so; which, after all, will have to be met and bested no matter what time in life the true life begins to be lived. But it's like a gauntlet one must run, and once you make it through it's done, so best do it sooner rather than later. If I have one regret, it is not living as my true self from a young age.
Now to the sticky stuff: How do you know if your child is truly trans?
You don't. He or she knows, though.
I guarantee that any trans six-year old (especially one acting out by that age) knows, surely and completely and down to the depths of hir soul, that zhe is really the opposite sex from what hir body is telling hir. I did. I knew it for sure.
It is the adults who have the doubts, not the children.
The difficulty for parents lies in the fact that there will be some percentage of children acting out at six who are not trans, so the ADULTS have a hard time knowing for sure the way a truly trans child knows.
So the question becomes which does the most harm? How much harm do you do to your child by not letting hir be who zhe is, "just in case" zhe changes hir mind? Likewise, how much harm do you do to your child by letting hir live as the opposite sex if zhe is just going through a phase?
That is the loving parent's conundrum, this quest to do no harm to one's own child. It's an awful position to be in.
Of course, one could always take my parents' route: forbid and punish any gender variant behavior, and then disown your child when zhe transitions later in life. That's an easy one for the parents. Not so great for the child, though.
There is no class for this, no textbook, no sure GPS direction. I think this poster is doing a FANTASTIC job of loving her challenging child and being the best mother she can be. Oh, what I would give to have had her as my mother!
Just keep loving your child and encouraging your child to become the person inside, whatever that is, and you can't go too wrong.
And I disagree that this blog will ever be a problem. Just don't reveal names or too much specific information and you'll be fine. The interwebs iz full of interesting tales. Who can say who all those people really are?
You make a possible point. But what you must also keep in mind is that the meltdowns that this child is going through are exactly in line with the way in which trans children -- who are struggling with an uninvited dilemma that bests even insightful adult minds -- react to the social pressures to conform to cultural gender imperatives that do not fit. It sets up a cognitive dissonance that can result in frustration, shame, confusion and lashing out at one's self and the world at large.
The behavior may be consistent with a neurological or executive function disorder, but it is also "on all fours" with transgenderism. It's good to rule things out that can be ruled out, but it is also important to do so without sending the message to your child that there is "something wrong" with hir. I guarantee zhe is already feeling that way, in spades.
I would hate to think of a major problem going unaddressed for the simple reason no one looked.
Hear Me: I hope that worked, I did try to bold "In public life". Maybe you missed that. I'll try to explain what I meant a tad clearer. Adult transgender living as their "true" gender (not the physical, the emotional/mental/soul) *usually* have a very hard time. I'm glad you coped so well with " all the crap heaped on a person by the outside world" but the child is six. There is no way he/she will be able to cope in any manner with the name-calling, the physical abuse, the discrimination and the other nightmares transpeople, transwomen especially, endure... and he/she is likely to endure it in both the schoolyard *and* from adults.
In an ideal world, transgender people would be able to live as themsleves without fear of foul or injury. Sadly, we're not living in an ideal world. Again, Angie Zapata...... and *she* was a grown woman.
"But it's like a gauntlet one must run, and once you make it through it's done, so best do it sooner rather than later." I refer you to Mrs Raptor's comment: "Six year old children TYPICALLY behave in ways that make their PARENTS happy... NOT in ways that make the children themselves happy."
*shrugs* Anyone neutral tried asking the kid *his* thoughts on the subject? What if he's "running the gauntlet" to please his mother?
Oh, and I'm not going to say how here,but if you have a reasonable level of knowhow, it's actually possible to find out someone's address .......... without using names, photos, websites etc.
I'm out.
On the other hand, the author's blogroll has links to various resources for the transgendered. The author doesn't actually know if the child is transgendered. At best, the child has some effeminate tendencies that the parents indulge him in exploring.
If the child really is transgendered, then he doesn't need the parents' support and indulgence here. It will come out on its own. The behavior doesn't even mean that the child is transgendered. He could end up being gay (which won't be apparent for at least a decade), or simply one of the millions of man and boys who do not conform to stereotypes of "typical" masculinity.
I tend to agree with those who say that the child is probably just exploring lots of different things in part to see what makes his parents happy. Children need structure to work out their own identity, not necessarily active encouragement. This sort of reminds me of Ayelet Wadlman's essays, where she would fantasize about the prospect of having a gay son.
A six-year-old should not be choosing his own clothes. You're the parent; act like one. Only buy him boys' clothes. I wasn't interested in clothes at the age of six and neither were my children. And it's just not normal for a child of his age to have a "meltdown" because he doesn't have the exactly right pair of straight-legged jeans.
You say all this started when your son was attracted to a sparkly ballerina costume. What three-year-old wouldn't be? You shouldn't have bought it for him because it was a DRESS. He would have forgotten about it by the time he was out of the store.
I notice that your son is still in day care instead of first grade. Why has he been delayed? When he starts school, he'll be two years behind his peers and looking (and talking) like the weird kid in the class. This is not a recipe for happiness. I don't understand why you're so happy about this. It would be killing me if this were my child.
Something about you makes me think: "Munchausen"
Being part of the gay community, I've never quite understood why transgender individual are grouped with us. I do not understand transgender, but I do know what being ostracized feels like. A supportive family is an valuable part of your son's life. As a gay man, it took me time to accept myself before I was able to stop hating myself, despite how my family felt. He will get there too. You are an amazing mom!
You'd save him a lot of trouble if you helped him find clothes he likes that are suitable masculine. It can be hard, but bright stripes or attractive designs (like animals).
Helping him fit into the world he lives in might do a lot to reduce him anxiety and budding self-hatred.
Little boys ask for girl clothes in stores, and most parents will redirect them to something more socially acceptable. Why? Often because the parents are uncomfortable with boys exploring female clothing. But other times it is simply because parents will not allow their young children to leave the house dressed in such a way that opens them to the ridicule your little boy experiences on a daily basis.
It's not that your way of handling his interest in female clothing is intrinsically wrong--it's just different than the way the other 99.9% of the population is handling the same interest in their boys. You're making a statement, and your child is being abused emotionally on a daily basis by his peers. Hopefully, he's not been beat up yet. It's not right, but it's the way it is.
Lace and ribbons can be used in crafts at home. Maybe you can find ways to redirect his interest in frilly things.
He goes to school and daycare, so that's maybe 7-9? 10? waking hours a day of being scorned by his peers. No, words of encouragement from you and your husband will most certainly not be enough to undo the damage. What safety are you providing him? You're sending him away to a hostile environment for many hours each day dressed in a way that is considered to be socially unacceptable.
It seems that you can coach him with verbal responses but you can't coach him to wear attractive and colorful boy clothes? There are many beautiful boy clothes out there--I know--I've bought many.
I used to try to mix my own spices and perfumes. I tried walking in my mother's high heels. I wore her clip-on earrings. While I didn't literally crossdress, I was drawn to 'unisex' clothes that teenage role models like Laurie Partridge might wear. I grew my hair long so I could imitate the women in shampoo commercials and swoosh my hair from side to side. (Some of this is faintly horrifying to write, I have to tell you.) I had many close female friends, and practically no male ones.
Everyone knew I was different, including me, and there were times where I was teased mercilessly for it. I, too, hated myself at times, and wondered what was wrong with me, why I had been made the way I was. I also had a strong will, and though it probably made my family's life hell, it provided the resilience I needed to get to adulthood and beyond.
I look back and I'm grateful that my parents--particularly my mother--indulged me as much as they did. It can't have been easy given the time period (mid '60s to mid '70s). But I think--without any exaggeration--that if I had had parents that tried to force me to be a proper boy, I eventually would have killed myself.
Just to expound a bit on my previous posts: It's been many years since I got involved with neurologically compromised children, so it took me a while to remember the pathway to diagnosis.
In my earlier post I mentioned that these children had their problematic behaviors chalked up to emotional issues. As I recall, their caregivers spent much time - many years - and love trying to ameliorate any potential negative emotional problems, to no effect. The lesson I came away with was that if a loving, stable, emotionally supportive environment was having no major positive effect, then it wasn't at heart an emotional problem.
And when these children were finally diagnosed and their neurological issues given appropriate treatment their 'emotional' issues went away.
While your boy may (or may not) be more girly than most, I think you should consider that there could be neurological reasons for his intense anxiety, feelings that others are out to hurt him, need for the smallest of details to meet his exact specifications to avoid meltdowns, etc. These things are NOT a 'being girly'.
BTW - around the age of 5 or so children get a global self-concept that tends to stick with them for life. (Before that they pretty much respond to the world around them on an ad hoc basis.) 'I am the bad unlovable one who's smart.' 'I am the dependable one who will have a place as long as I am undemanding.'
It sounds as if your boy has made that developmental leap and is now dealing with that self-concept. Just FYI.