Every so often, curiosity gets the better of me and I find myself probing checking-in with Alex about where he’s at with things. Things like which gender he is identifying as in the moment and which gender he’s attracted to. Last night as I was laying in bed with him, the conversation turned toward his friends' crushes.

“Maddie loves two people:  Garreth and Joey,” Alex shared. He proceeded to tell about several incidents that occurred throughout the day in which his six-year-old classmates were discovering a different kind of love. One that involves kissing and opposite genders. Well, most of the time.

“Oh, hm. That’s interesting. What does it mean to ‘love’ someone in 1^st grade?” I queried, understanding that 6 is really the new 10.

“Nothing really. I don’t love anyone.”

“Oh really? You must think someone is cute, don’t you? Are you sure don’t you love anyone?” I pressed on.

(silence)

“I can’t wait for my playdate with Maddie tomorrow!”

“I call RED HERRING!” I countered. I was not going to let him off the hook that easily. “Who do you like???”

Through big grins and hair fiddling, he said “Nooo ooooone! Realllllyyyy!”

“Nope. Not buyin’ it. Dish it! You like someone! Who is it??” I was hoping this tactic would eventually pry the information from his lips. He continued to try to change the subject, until finally he said, “Okay. The person I said before that other person.”

HUH?? He had just talked about no less than 15 people! And I was having a hard time following that conversation. Now he was asking me to backtrack and navigate that conversation without breadcrumbs??

“Oh you mean Caleb?” I volleyed, determined to find out. 

“Nooo,” he replied.

“Oh! I know, then:  ISAAC!” I replied not missing a beat.

“Nope. You know …. Juliaaaaa’s friend? The 6^th grader?” It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was messing with me, since only moments ago he said Julia was in 4^th grade. Realizing that I had been completely rooked by my 6-and-a-half-year-old con artist, I eventually dropped the subject, retreating --defeated-- back into The Unknowing.

Understanding what makes Alex tick has become a sort of quest of mine. Silly as it may sound, I have myself convinced that if I could only understand how he sees himself in the context of general society, I may be able to make some grand sweeping assumptions about what lies ahead for him.

If I know that he has crushes on girls, then maybe he will grow up to identify as heterosexual (statistics have shown this to be improbable—about 20% of gender non-conforming children grow up to be hetero). If he is attracted to boys, as all of his friends are (since they are all girls), then the chances are likely that he will grow up to identify as gay.

However he identifies later on is entirely on him to figure out, and while my husband and I are unconditionally supportive of him either way, I do feel like knowing the direction would enable me to better prepare for some years ahead that are difficult for even gender-normal kids under the best of circumstances.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and you don’t have to answer this question, but you know, I want to check in with you every so often,” I said tentatively. “I’m curious to know how you feel about yourself. About your body. You know, you don’t have to explain this to anyone, including me, but I just want to make sure you’re ok with everything.”

I didn’t really need to explain why I was asking this. He got it.

“I’m fine. I’m happy with my body,” he said.

“You know, some people feel…” I started, allowing the comment to trail a bit.

“…I know, like a girl in their minds but in a boy body,” he continued.

“Yeah. Right.” I replied. “So I just want to check in with you to see how you feel about yourself. Sometimes people just really want to know one way or another who you are on the inside. I know you dress and act like a girl, but you were born with a boy body. Someday, you will become a man. I know you know this. I just want to know how you feel about that?”

 “I know that,” he said reflectively. “I feel like a boy and a girl. I don’t feel like a boy or a girl.”

I have to give him credit. His answer has not wavered in the two years I have been presenting him with this question. His consistency about being “both” and “neither” in virtually the same breath has been steadfast. In my research on this topic, today I believe that Alex is what they call “gender queer” (seeing himself as a gender other than the binary girl/boy).* While I embrace his uniqueness and applaud his bravery for expressing himself boldly, I find myself clinging to the notion that his identity somehow still needs definition when I know that, in fact, it doesn’t.

Ultimately, our conversation left me no closer to understanding his own personal preferences, but it did serve to further underscore the differences that so many people who are not dealing with this issue misunderstand:  that gender identity and sexual orientation are on completely different spectrums.

Where “gender identity” is how you see yourself, “sexual orientation” is which gender you are attracted to.

As Alex is thrust into mainstream society as The One Who Is Different, my greatest hope is that he’s helping everyone he encounters and meets understand that to define or label him is to completely miss the point of who he is or what he is capable of. He is so much more than that.

And, really… aren’t we all much more than how others label us?

_____________

*A note about terminology:

My understanding of people who identify as "gender fluid" is that they see themselves as a girl one day, and a boy the next. From the time when he was able to verbalize his own preferences and make his own choices, Alex has expressed himself as a girl. Therefore, my impression is that, at least for today, he is neither transgender nor gender fluid, but rather gender queer.