My mind works in very mysterious ways. Don’t get me wrong, I like that it usually takes a path all its own. And that path is usually down a slippery slope of depravity and wild imagination – but that’s a good thing when you’re trying to rescue your creativity from the depths of boredom and mediocrity. When I’m on form, when all the creative juices are flowing and I don’t limit myself in any way, well, I’m a bit of a nutcase. When I’m on form, which hasn’t been often over the past year, there is no topic I won’t tackle and even blogging about vegetables becomes entertaining for me. When I’m on form, probably like many of you, all it takes is a snippet of an idea, perhaps a few simple words or a picture, and I’m off and running. Today, just might be the day I turn a corner and expose myself to the blog world again. 

Quite why today is different than any other day I have no idea. I mean, the shot of tonic that just might awaken the sleeping writer inside me has been sitting in my work email inbox for since 12 May 2010. That’s 9 months ago nearly. I don’t delete emails until a project is done, just in case any of you smart people are wondering. Why I haven’t been stirred by the words before I have no idea. But today, when I was catching up on my housekeeping at work after my vacation, I saw the words again and I started to laugh. That laughter led me to thinking. That thinking led me to scribbling a few things down. Those scribbles ultimately became this when I got home.  

The words in question, all five of them, as you have probably guessed from the title of this blog, were “You are more than welcome.” Crazy huh? At first I was just amazed that the person who sent the email, a non-native English speaker, actually used the correct “than” rather than “then.” But this morning, perhaps fueled by my recent vacation, a thought occurred to me – just how does one achieve a state of more than welcome? And color me seven shades of elated for achieving such a position.  

How I got to become more than welcome, or whether I’m worthy of such a position I will not extrapolate upon. I will extrapolate, delineate, and even try to mentally masturbate a reference as to what more than welcome entails so others in the future do not feel left out. Hey, I am a man of the people after all. 

Re-reading the emails, I can honestly see that I, in clear conscience and in no way, offered any more than a simple “thank you.” I didn’t add emoticons, promises of extreme gratitude, or naked pictures of myself. As such, being more than welcome seems too dignified to me. A simple, you’re welcome would have sufficed. That would have left me pleasantly satisfied that the person I was dealing with knew their manners and appreciated my efforts. Instead, I’m left with a bitter feeling that I’m missing out on the extra tidings that more than welcome insinuates I should be getting. I suppose it’s like going into the Champagne Room and not getting the private lap dance. Sure, the room is cozy and somewhat comforting despite the silicone sort of jiggling around; but it’s not “more than”. In fact, it’s “less than.” Without the appropriate grindage (even with a hands off policy), the Champagne Room is merely a token welcome. 

I suppose I can “more than thank you” for your help, but in order to do so I would have to be there in person, and not rely on email to convey my message. More than thanking you would require some oils and lubricants, some scented candles, a Barry White CD, and no immediate plans for the weekend. Of course, if you happen to be a guy, Super Bowl tickets are probably on the agenda if I wanted to more than thank you. Or maybe we’d go hunting. I don’t care how awesome you are, if we share the same appendages, you don’t receive the Barry White treatment. 

Maybe my problem isn’t that it can’t be done; but the medium chosen was wrong. “More than welcome” is the $20 massage with a happy ending. “More than welcome” is finding out your favorite diner has decided to have two-for-one pie day. That is indeed a very good day. “More than welcome” is like watching movies on television in Saudi Arabia and finding out they haven’t edited out the naked boobies. They’ll still beep out someone saying “Jesus Christ”, but a bouncing set of au natural fun bags has somehow jiggled past the censors. Much better than a last minute winning touchdown drive in the Super Bowl (like that happens anyway). 

Maybe the “more than welcome” was a hint at things to come, like email foreplay. Perhaps in the mind of the sender, a happy ending at the end of the email line was possible. After all, I will readily admit that in person, you can be more than thanked, so I suppose in person, you can be more than welcomed – in fact, this one time (not at band camp) I was made to feel very welcomed. A story for another day perhaps. “More than welcome” or not, my email friend will just have to settle for the set-up of things to come – he’ll never be my type. And I’m afraid my dizzying logic explaining why he can’t be “more than welcome” in an email will be lost on him. Language barriers are credible barriers after all. 

So I leave you with this last thought, no, not a thought, an enlightenment. Unless you are willing to be the happy ending to a $20 massage, never be anything more than welcome. Welcome is good. Welcome is safe. Welcome will still make people smile and your grandmother proud of you. Glad I could help clear this up for you. And yes, you are more than welcome. 

Cheers.