When I was England, Kirsty and I stopped in every bookstore we could (trust me, you miss a real bookstore when you live in Saudi), looking for writing magazines and books. As you know, I’ve been struggling with writer’s block over the past several months. One of the three writing books we managed to buy was simply called The Writer’s Block, aptly named because the book looks like a block. Inside the covers, you will find 786 ideas to jump-start your imagination (or so it says on the cover). I haven’t really had the time to go through it yet, but I just happened to turn to a page and something on it triggered this blog. 

Apparently, there are 3500 members in the International Flat Earth Society, a group who believe, as if you haven’t guessed already, that the earth is flat. This is today, 2011, not 1011. Maybe these people have never been on a trans-Atlantic flight before or had to cross the International Date Line. Whatever their reasons for feeling the earth resembles a nickel rather than a beach ball, they feel this way. 

My immediate reaction was to giggle, thinking back to a great film from 1980 called The Gods must be Crazy. In this film, N!xau, a sub-Saharan bushman is determined to throw a glass Coca-Cola bottle that fell from the sky (it was dropped from a passing plane) off the end of the world. He’s a bushman; he believes the earth to be flat. As you can imagine, much hilarity ensues. When he gets to the edge of the earth (a cliff looking down over clouds so you can’t see the bottom), he chucks the bottle and heads back to his village hoping to have changed its fortunes.

He, like others, felt the bottle was a curse and it brought ill-feelings and badness to the village (as shown by the villagers clubbing each other over the head with the bottle). As I said, hilarious. And allegedly, people still think this way. And people who should have the means to know otherwise. 

I’m not saying these are the same people who always seem to get anally penetrated by alien probes. You know the type – don’t work, married to a relative, can drive their house when they go on vacation. How come Stephen Hawking never sees aliens? How come it’s always the same type of person who has these encounters? I’m not pigeonholing or stereotyping; I’m just asking a question. But seriously, the earth is flat? 

Granted, 3500 people isn’t that many, especially if you consider most Italian weddings are roughly that size, and the population of this ROUND orb we call home is near enough to 7 billion homo sapiens. My basic math skills, coupled with a calculator, tells me that one in every 2 million people believe the earth is flat (providing of course that I put enough zeroes in the equation in the first place – 9). This would mean nearly 80 people in Nigeria believe the earth is flat. I don’t mean to judge, but can I just call “Bullshit” right now and be done with it? 

This formula was too easy to figure out, as most basic equations are. Perhaps, I thought to myself as I enjoyed some day old Kentucky Fried Chicken (spicy because it beats the pants off the regular stuff), I’m looking at these numbers all wrong? This equation is based on the assumption that everyone on earth knows or cares about this situation in the first place. I’ll have to do a little digging, I said to myself. And since I’m a bachelor this week and porn sites are blocked in Saudi Arabia, I just mustered up the get-up-and-go and spent some time on Google not looking at pictures of Kelly Brook.

Here’s what I ascertained from my endeavors. 

With tongue planted firmly in cheek, I give you the following break down of how my grand total at the end of this was achieved. Now, I’m not a mathematician, I haven’t studied anthropology, political science, or archeology, but I’m hoping you will see the method to my madness. Or at least laugh. Or comment. Yeah, I’d prefer a comment or two to be honest with you. But I understand I’ve got to earn those again after being less seen than the Sasquatch around here. 

I think it is safe to say that anyone living below the poverty line (less than $2.50 a day) doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whether the earth is round or flat. We can safely deduct around 3 billion people, so I will deduct that number, so we’re down already to 4 billion people. From there, we can deduct the population of China because, let’s face it, they’re too busy carrying the world’s economy right now. That will bring us down to just under 2.7 billion. 

Subtracting the population of India and Pakistan, gearing up to play the World Cup of Cricket sees us drop to a respectable 1.3 billion people. Australia has too much to worry about right now so we can cut another 22 million, and over in Egypt, they too are worried about other things so the nearly 80 million people there aren’t included in the numbers either. 

We can even scrap the thoughts of everyone in Europe, the former Eastern Block included because their monetary unit has brought enough shame on them all. Once we discard another 739 million minds from the equation, we’re left with a very respectable 302 million people. I nearly forgot about Brazil. With the mudslides, preparations for the 2014 World Cup, and the rest of the country looking for Giselle’s secret tattoo (I just made that up), we are left with just over 111 million people to choose from.

Using this data as only I can, I have tabulated and confirmed with my four cats, that the exact figures state that one in every 31715 people believe the earth is flat; or roughly the same amount of people who believe Lindsay Lohan will revive her career. 

Just thought you might like some numbers, boobs, and fun on Monday. 

Cheers