To: MyAmericanCousin@diplospatcentral.org

From: YourCanadianCousin@diplospatnorth.org

Subject: What’s a WikiLeak between Relatives

Dear American Cousins

What’s all this about leaking Wikis?   From north of the border it all sounds like much ado about nothing.  

I mean who would have thought that U.S. diplomats in Canada would be so worried about the “onslaught” of Canadian TV shows depicting “nefarious American officials carrying out equally nefarious deeds in Canada, from planning to bomb Quebec to stealing Canadian water supplies.”  You can assure them there’s no point in trying to steal our water until next spring given how early freeze-up came this year. 

But I understand that it’s the Canadian TV show called “Little Mosque on the Prairie,” that’s really got their diplomatic cables in a knot. Your Grandmother Phyllis thought the episode where the Muslims get hassled at the border was hilarious. Then again she hasn’t had to deal with the new security pat downs; although knowing your Grandmother she’ll be the first in line for that cross-border shopping treat. Regardless, there’s no need to worry.  The show is on CBC - that’s the public TV channel. It’s not like it was a hockey game and people might actually be watching.

The big surprise to me is how impressed your Uncle Floyd is by you Americans in this whole diplomatic dogfight. He says he always thought diplomats were the kind of guys who wouldn’t say “sh#t” if their mouths were full of it. He figures it will do everyone a lot of good to know that the most influential country on the planet indulges in a little polite trash talk. Especially when they call it like it is.

He does have a point. Take for example that leaked Wiki suggesting President Obama make his first foreign trip to Canada as president. The logic being that it would do “much to diminish – Canada’s habitual inferiority complex vis-à-vis the U.S. and its chronic but accurate complaint that the U.S. pays far less attention to Canada than Canada does to us.”  

They got that one right. But then again President Obama is more popular here in Bengough, Saskatchewan than he ever has been on your side of the Big Muddy River in Plentywood, Montana. And he’s certainly more popular than any Canadian politician has been in recent history.

As for the fact that U.S. diplomats think Canadians have an inferiority complex. To quote Homer’s northern cousin, “Duh eh!” Despite the fact that we share some $500 billion in annual trade, the world’s largest unsecured border and a joint military mission in Afghanistan there’s only one of us for every 10 of you. Like Prime Minister Trudeau used to say, Canada is a mouse sleeping next to an elephant, the elephant has no idea the mouse is in bed with it but every time the elephant rolls over the mouse is going to feel it.

There is one Wiki report however that confuses me. Apparently American diplomats think that Canadians “always carry a chip on their shoulder” because we’re condemned to play “Robin” to your “Batman”.  

Your cousin Kevin and his husband Bob say that makes perfect sense. He told me “you just need to think of Batman as the top and Robin as the bottom and of course Canada is going to get screwed.” I’m not exactly sure what he meant by that but he says if you don’t understand it to call him or Aunt Gert in San Francisco and they’ll explain.

Oh yah and he says to thank you for the homemade horse blanket the family sent across the valley for their wedding. It will be put to good use when the gay rodeo circuit starts up next spring.

Grandpa Buck says to say hello; although he’s pretty confused by all of this.  He said you guys should know better than anyone on how to deal with leaking “winkies”.  After all it was America who invented the adult diaper. He says if it wasn’t for Depends he and most of the old boys from the ‘Bengough and Plentywood Lions Club’ wouldn’t have been able to make the annual deer hunt in the valley this past Thanksgiving. That would be American not Canadian Thanksgiving; because only bird hunting season is open on the second Monday in October.

Hey maybe that’s the source of the leaks.  It’s those damn Canada geese again. You know how much they like to squawk and will crap on anybody. Besides no one yet has been able to stop them from crossing the border.

Warm regards,

Your Canadian Cousin