Awaken your spirit to adventure
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
                         John O'Donahue 

I think I try too hard at life, it rarely feels easy, having hardly any expectations that things will just flow, and that my basic needs will be met. It's up to me to pray it home even though I mostly believe in a benevolent God. Lately, this God I treat like Santa in the Sky mostly delivers just what I need to exist, no more.  Do I sound ungrateful?  Because  I'm not. I'm grateful for healthy children and grandchildren, a warm bed, a car that runs, an income, warm water, legs that work, eyes that see, people I love and who love me.  I say that prayer in the shower every morning and mean it. I truly am grateful, yet I want more.

Before undergoing my new resolve to end some personal habits, I never would have said that change is something I dislike. Yet I'm delving into it with both hope and trepidation. I want to change, I want things exactly the same, but better. One of my failings is that I feel stagnant and become bored quickly without an opportunity for personal creativity and newness. Sometimes I feel as though I always have a monkey on my back about stretching myself, creating, being a better person, never feeling completely satisfied with my part in this world, and wanting to be a success in this world.  Not that I always accomplish something new and shiny, I just want to.  Rarely do I just let myself be.

I sit at my keyboard, glancing at my art supplies lying idle. To my left is a blessing I made for my oldest granddaughter 6 years ago, right before she was born.  In ancient times, both blessings and curses were taken seriously. Words meant everything.

 In art and text, I expressed my hopes for her life: awe and wonder, laughter, intelligence and compassion, surrounded by friends and family, her well-being under the fierce protection of angels. In my mind, I'm turning over ideas of the blessing yet to make for baby Ava for her first birthday next month.

Last night while getting out of my car, I smiled big and yelled to her as she was being carried by her mother  into their front door, "Hello, Baby. Grandma's here." She quickly swiveled her head to the sound of my voice. A huge smile and happy eyes met my own. For her blessing, I might make a few changes.  Although Rebecca’s list is good something is missing.

There have been times when I felt like the hand of God was at my shoulder, guiding me, giving me stupendous dreams, confidence in my skills and abilities, and an unwavering belief in an exciting future.  When I was trying to decide whether to attend grad school for a theology degree, I had some big life changing dreams.

The one dream I remember above all others:  I was watching a woman carrying an oil lamp with her left hand. She had a white veil covering one side of her face.  Light glowed all around her in the dark as if its source was within her. With her right hand closed tightly, suddenly she unclenched it to allow a tiny hummingbird to fly out. The bird, its humming so loud, buzzed next to my eyes. I put my hands up to protect them, but the hummer flew down aiming its long beak directly into my heart. Blood did not run out, but pure nectar. My heart broke open, but I was not hurt.  I wrote it down, I've painted it, I’ve drawn it in pencil, and in fact I’ve analyzed it to death.

For years I lived on the hope of those many important dreams. I believe they meant something, but I am still not sure what. I am trying to be healthier, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. My restlessness is exhausting. I'm not sure what direction to follow, but feeling there is still important work to do.    Some days I feel something wonderful coming, moving towards me.

So what do I need to add for Ava’s birthday blessing? Ease with risk is what I’m looking for, but for the baby something more.  Courage for  certain, trust in openings, a path of plenitude, and  recognizing the grace in beginnings. 

For a New Beginning

By John Donahue 

 In out of the way places of the heart
Where your thoughts never think to wander
This beginning has been quietly forming
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.For a long time it has watched your desire
Feeling the emptiness grow inside you
Noticing how you willed yourself on
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the grey promises that sameness whispered
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent
Wondered would you always live like this.Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream
A path of plenitude opening before you.Though your destination is not clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is one with your life’s desire.Awaken your spirit to adventure
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
~john o donohue~