Wow.  I had no idea a General of the United States Army was required to also be a Vestal Virgin.  When did this happen?  When did the F.B.I. decide to administer chastity tests for public officials? 

What’s next?  Purity rings? 

Yup.  The so-called David Petraeus “scandal” is yet another example of how the rightie-tighties keep managing to catch themselves in their underwear. 

The only problem is, it’s the F.B.I. that has shown it’s apparently not-so-true-to-us colors.  Honestly.  U.S. Representative Eric Cantor knew about this before the President of the United States?  We all knew Cantor was chaste and rich, and did we mention rich?  He’s also one of the biggest conserva-troids in America. 

The David Petraeus “scandal” stinks to high heaven.  This was a politically-motivated hit.  Isn’t it odd that the true leaders in America—Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner and now Petraeus—are biting the dust faster than Styrofoam dolls on an F.B.I. shooting range? 

The New York Times reported today that, no, Petraeus’ affair had absolutely nothing to do with national security.  Not a bit.  But J. Edgar Hoover can go to parties dressed like a (very ugly) woman named Mary, and everything is just copacetic.  Right? 

Absolutely right.  As in right wing.  Slow motion coup d’etat.  One more case of the policing arm of the government getting “uppity”.  I’m serious.  This is much ado about nothing. 

It’s not unusual for men of great power to have affairs.  Nor is it unusual for a man like Petraeus, whose wife looks like she’s been dragged through a barbed-wire fence by a pack of coyotes, to go looking for something a little less nauseating. 

Chastity and law enforcement.  The vice squad gone amok. 

When New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer got popped for engaging with prostitutes, I couldn’t help but think about the literal whore-fest going on in the upper echelons of Wall Street’s gambling parlors.  And when Anthony Weiner got hit with a Breitbart-connived scandal, I couldn’t help but wonder: Isn’t dressing like “Mary” worthy of the news? 

If I was President Obama, I’d stroll on down to F. B. I. headquarters in Quantico, Virginia, and roll me some heads.  It’s obvious that the Petraeus affair had absolutely nothing to do with national security.  Perhaps we should hire Blackwater to infiltrate the F.B.I. to get us some saucy gossip. 

I’ve long been concerned with various problems within the F.B.I.  Though law enforcement is supposed to be non-partisan, rumor has it that many in the intelligence-gathering quarter are rabidly right-wing.  Like wolves with rabies.  The wolf pack has spoken. 

Doubtless, right now, right at this very moment, some F. B. I. higher-up is shagging some whore.  The whore is called “radical right wing politics” and she screams and rocks like an earthquake as the agent uses his nightstick in ways not listed in its usage manual.