Your post struck a nerve with me. First let me explain myself. I am 48, happily married, recently orphaned, and happy. Really happy. I never thought I could say that.

I was not a happy child, a happy teenager, or a happy young adult. I suffered eating disorders (bulimia, anorexia, compulsive exercise, the whole package) beginning around age 8 or 9.

I always thought I was fat. Even when I was not. I also suffered from bouts of depression that worsened during my college years when substance abuse mingled with self loathing.

On the outside I was smart, funny, athletic, and the life of the party. On the inside I was always afraid that the imposter would be revealed. As a result, I kept my relationships to surface only.

One day, at twenty, I decided to kill myself. To end the suffering. I felt the world would be better with out me. Long story short: it didn't work and I lived. Maybe that's what I wanted. Just to live.

The university did not have a psychologist on duty at the time and they sent a nutritionist as a substitute. They had no idea what my problems were...they just sent whoever was available to cover their butts.

The nutritionist took one look at me and knew. She just did. She asked me how long I had been dealing with eating disorders. I was horrified. My entire life revolved around hiding my problem. No one knew, or at least that's what I thought.

I cried. She asked me what I wanted. I replied: I just want to be happy. I had no clue what that meant.

The first thing she told me was this: You can never be on another diet. EVER.

I had to correct the chemistry in my brain with proper nutrition before I could even consider getting the therapy I needed for my emotional problems. She had me eat three meals a day, plus snacks. Every day. No denials. If I wanted cake I ate cake. As dessert. One piece. No full sized cakes instead of three days of real food.

I had never eaten reasonably before. I will not lie. It was hard. It took me months, and looking back, possibly years, to correct my chemistry.

As I ate a balanced diet I found myself "normalizing". All of my problems did not fade away BUT I became stronger and more able to cope.

Flash forward...ten years of psychotherapy later. I was able to discuss and move past the hurt and damage my childhood had caused me. I was able to move from being that hurt child in to adulthood. I was able to find someone to love and allow him to love me back. I was able to parent.

Somewhere along the journey I started loving myself. I see myself as a survivor with things to offer this world instead of a victim. My health, my weight, my self image all came along for the ride.

I had to throw away ALL of the things I thought I was. I had to start new and take tiny little steps towards physical and mental health.

So the me that was...she is this person I look back fondly on...with compassion. I no longer see her in my mirror. I see me, who I am now.
It's a lot of work. Lots of work. Completely worth it. Why? Because I'm worth the work it took to get here.

I'm not all that. I don't mean it like that. But, I can see myself in a way that I always wanted to. I am a happy person. I live. I have this one life and I promised myself to live it. Happiness is a choice. A lot of work but still a choice.

If I may make a few suggestions to you? Throw away the scale. Throw away the diets. Throw away the magazines. Go to the store and buy good food. Eat. Find a really good therapist (search...they are out there. If the first one or two or three don't connect with you then find another). Stick with it. Take walks or runs without worrying how many calories you burn. Do it just to feel better. Make some new friends. Be a survivor. Own who you are. Just do your best. That's all you can do. Never ever count calories again. You'll know when you are being good to yourself.

You deserve this. Why? Because we all do.

Fondly,
gracielou