There are millions of transgender people, and millions of ways to be transgender.  And now with the Internet, there are millions of personal transgender narratives on-line.  Everyone is different, of course.  But as I have read through dozens of narratives over the years, I have come to see a some some patterns.  Many of these narratives follow a common script.  And that script goes something like this:

[quote]I was born as X, treated as X and told I was X.  As I went through life, I had a growing internal awareness that I was really Y.  The conflict between being X on the outside and Y on the inside produced immeasurable pain.  I was stuck in neutral, or worse.  Eventually, I came to terms with reality and I decided to do something about it.  I changed my life to be more consistently like Y --- a Y I now realized I always was.  I adjusted to a new reality --- one that was always there, but that came to me as a surprise.  Since that time, I became a lot saner, happier and more open.  It was a good change, and I went on with my life.[quote]

As a Christian with an Evangelical background, I find this narrative to be striking.  It is focused on something being wrong, making a decision to change, and then moving on with life.  Where have we heard this before?  Why, the Apostle Paul of course, when he was struck by light on the way to Damascus.  Paul set off on a routine trip --- like driving from New York to Boston --- and by the end of it, he was a changed man with a new persepctive.  He realized he had to change his ways, to turn away from his previous life.  This realization came by way of a deeper understanding of reality on the part of Paul --- reality of the world around him, as well as his place in it.  The new reality was always there, but it came to Paul as a surprise.

But it's not just Paul and not just in the Bible.  This story is all over Evangelical Christian theology and tradition.  For example, the well-known song:

[quote]I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.[/quote]

Following Jesus isn't something that just happens.  It is a CHOICE, a decision we make.  And once we make that decision, we move forward with the consequences of it.  There is no turning back.  Not for Christian converts, and not for transsexuals either.

But it gets better than this!  Consider the words of Jesus from the Gospel of John, as we learn about Nicodemus:

[quote]There was a man of the Pharisees named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. 2 This man came to Jesus by night and said to Him, “Rabbi, we know that You are a teacher come from God; for no one can do these signs that You do unless God is with him.”

Jesus answered and said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”

Nicodemus said to Him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?”

Jesus answered, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.”[/quote]

This sheds a bit more light on Christian conversion.  It's not just that you make a decision to change and stick with it.  It's not just that you adjust your life to a deeper understanding of a surprising new but pre-existing reality.  You actually have to be BORN AGAIN.  That means going BACK to a previous point and RE-MAKING a decision from the PAST.  Christian conversion is a process that happens by going back to the point where things went wrong, making a better decision, and then moving forward.  In the case of Christian theology --- where things went wrong at the very beginning --- this means you have to go back to the beginning yourself and be born again.

This is the ultimate mid-life crisis.

But who is really born again?  We draw an analogy between Christian conversion and going back into our mother's womb to be born a second time around.  And in Baptist circles, we dramatize this idea of spiritual re-birth by going through the rite of full immersion baptism.  But at the end of the day, we're still just getting wet for a few seconds.  Although Catholics use a lot less water, they go a step further in the mystical direction, insisting on a special holy quality of the water used in baptism.

And that's where most of us end up.

But things are more than symbolic or sacramental in the transgender community.  For the transsexual, things went wrong at puberty.  Therefore, gender transition starts off with a second time through puberty, this time with the other set of hormones.  Along with that change comes a new body shape, new clothes, a new name, new social roles, etc.  This truly is the process of re-birth described by Jesus.  And there truly is NO going back.

The transgender community is incredibly diverse.  Although transsexual narratives are the best known and possibly the easiest to explain, they are a minority of the trans community.  For the rest of us, we muddle along with personal narratives that are more grey, less clear-cut, not so easy to explain in a half-hour documentary.  Narratives that come with a lot of unknowns, cost/benefit analyses and at times ambivalence.

But I don't think that my narrative is so different from the documentary-ready transsexual narrative.  I was born with one set of assumptions, and over time came to a deeper understanding of reality.  This involved understanding my identity in different terms.  And like Paul, Nicodemus or any trans person, I have come to points in my journey where I must make choices.  Choices with real consequences: how I will live my life, how I will relate to others, how I will present myself.  Whether those choices are as drastic as sex reassignment surgery or as subtle as pierced ears, I must live with them.

The one thing I can't do as a trans person is sit in neutral forever, never making a choice; I make a small choice each and every day, even if that choice is to be invisible conform to expectations.  You can't be a Christian and not-a-Christian at the same time.  And I can't make a choice but keep it secret either; that is no choice at all.  You can't decide to be a Christian but keep your light hidden under a bushel.

Jesus said: "If you continue in my word, then are you my disciples indeed; And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."  I have decided to follow Jesus.  No turning back.  No turning back.