Children can make or break a relationship.  They, these little humans, have a say on whether a woman should or should not be a step-mom.  I believe that is how it should be, honestly, because who really wants to waste her time on a family who doesn’t feel the same way about her. 

It all started out simply enough, meeting this man on a singles site called American Singles.  I was single, obviously, and looking for a serious relationship or one that would at least transcend beyond the immature men who seemed to be hovering in my periphery.  I wanted a nice guy, a man and not a boy in big boys clothing, who was ready for something that transcended the material and stupid.  I wanted substance and not someone who was delusional about his toys and women.

It took about two months of flirting and instant messaging with about three different guys.  I wasn’t feeling it completely with two of them but was being nice until I could be sure.  The third guy, R*, captured my attention with his good humor and charm.  Yes, I admit it, I am an easy catch when someone finds humor in the mundane.

I read his profile and noticed that he was separated and in the process of getting a divorce.  Maybe this would have been a red flag for most, but I didn’t see it that way at the time. He also had three young children. First of all, I had never gone out with a man who was in the process of getting a divorce with three young children in tow. It was a new experience, and I was already thirty-nine, so I was definitely open to the possibility of something different which could lead to internal growth, and honestly, a good time. I really felt there was something special about him even though I hadn’t met him yet but had read and heard his words through IM and the phone. 

The first year with him was pretty rocky, some of it my fault, I guess. His divorce from a woman, I was a bit jealous of, and who had been with him for ten years was finally closing the door on their back and forth relationship -- leaving him more than 7 times in various towns and states.  If I had known that his feelings, his anger and  feelings of betrayal would come to the forefront, and in some really dark ways, I might not have gone down that road.  But sometimes you just don’t know how these things, separation and recent divorce, are going to work on someone’s psyche, especially when these things are new to you.

We ended up moving to Colorado after two years of ups and downs and was really hoping for a fresh start because it had always been “our” dream   We had some really great moments there and I saw the most amazing beauty.  But it wasn’t enough. Out of nowhere, he left me in Colorado, alone, because he couldn’t bear to be away from his children even though we had visitation set up.  It really made sense to me, him leaving, because I understand that love, but coming home and finding all of his stuff gone just about killed me. The note said simply: “I need to be with my children and I know you’ll never go back.  I love you.”

Fast forward to a year later and we are living together again in Indiana.  His three children stay with us every other weekend and it is always so much fun.  I love his children and enjoy doing things with them, from art projects to playing video games.  I also listen to them when things aren’t going so well in school or when their friends let them down.  I try to be there and be a friend and confidant.

The thing is I’m not a perfect person and sometimes I lose patience with them.  I don’t like to feel taken advantage of when I feel like I am putting so much out there.  Sometimes I feel like an outsider when I shouldn’t and its perplexing to me.  We go to ballgames and I feel like I am a third wheel as his ex-wife gives me dirty looks. When did I become less than human? Why do I allow my own thinking to do this to me?  Why do I feel hesitant when the children ask to use my personal things?  I say yes, because it’s the right thing to do, right?   You can’t be selfish when you are in a relationship with four other people.  I see this and know this but it doesn’t always make it easy.