How I start to feel: godihateTHEM,
Then the burr-edge feeling: I am the villain
-- nonononononononoNOTME --
then minutes days weeks later: godihavetostopdoingthat.
That littlesweat sensation when I tell my wife
about that jerk online (chin thrust here),
and an hour later
with a start I realize:
I didn't tell her the exact truth.
I left out part of what I did.
The shame.
The cringeworthiness metrics of daily life.
Our stiff resistance.
WE are the Congo, Darfur, Stonewall, Selma, Thermopylae;
all of us: hooting apes, baring teeth.
We think we are special.
We all make pieces, not peaces.
If the Dalai Lama had teenage daughters
you bet he'd grumble.
The fix is about lag time.
We think we're different from one another,
but we all tend the same way.
Some of us just learn to shorten the lag time.
I want us to go right; can't they see that?
Then I get mad: they
just won't see I am TRYING here
(trying to persuade, show them what they won't see)
-- but my try is stained by anger.
So I am doubly mad
-- they won't admit this, and concede that,
and applaud me for thus and so --
round and round. Dizzy fucking monkey, me.
I always want more. I want to win. I want to be right,
to be acknowledged. They deny me.
Our enemies see what our friends are too polite to say
and thunder it at us. We shake in fear and cover our ears.
Fling poo.
Our enemies are but clouds in the sky.
They re-form and change, disappear, mass up
drench us, strike us to burn the ground below our feet.
We hurl bolts until our arms fail and the light in us dies.
Unless we shorten the lag time.
See?
The first time it's 2 years and fights and unsaid pain
wrong things won't change do bad; we don't get it until it's over.
The second time it's 3 dates. We see.
The third time it's 5 minutes at the bar. We know.
We are still the same person.
The same Jane or Joe
who tends to pick THAT kind
of unkind. But we can get better.
We can shorten the lag time:
2 years. 3 dates. 5 minutes.
I expect to be self-righteous and grind my teeth.
But more and more I stop short
of cringeworthy. In time.
And then time opens up. I see more. I love
the whole sad sack french-fried canker sore
rat race of us.
O sisters!
O brothers!
Lay down those ten foot poles
and touch each other.
It's not perfection we get;
it's a chance to sort it out.
Every day? more chances.
Don't try to be Gandhi.
Work on lag time.
|~
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Seer
daisyjane
The Good Daughter
Chicken Mãâàn
the traveler
Ashley F. Miller
Salon.com
Comments
" we don't get it until it's over".
You're right, Greg. We don't. I wish the Dalai Lama had teenage daughters as much as you do.
r
But what works for me is the stopping short of cringeworthiness. It's so honestly visceral and sensible. Identifying the boundary is what I must do, and when rage kicks in I see only the ultimate boundaries. I cross the nearer ones with barely a thought - knowing they're cringeworthy but willing to cross them anyway.
Complicated apes. Yep. Indeed we are. Thanx for pushing me into an overdue self-examination that's quite cringeworthy. (r)
And the resentment falls away. Even though I'm not getting a specific explanation or justification for bad behavior by their kid on X day at Y time to my kid, I am getting an explanation of sorts on their kid's humanity, on his worries and weaknesses and problems and I feel terrible sympathy for him and his mother.
I think of lag time in two ways. I think we need more lag time in the small picture. Restraint is golden. Restraint is not natural to me, so I work hard at allowing that boss in my prefrontal cortex time to get off his ass and start orchestrating my limbic response in a way that involves more reason than emotion. But in the big picture, we can't allow for too much lag time because the resentments are just too big to carry anymore and we are just strangers then. Others.
There was a lot to think about here. thanks for this.
We definitely can be "dizzy fucking monkeys" looking for applause, acknowledgment, attacks, whatever. In our heads we are heroically shouting, "I dare you!" We create battles of Black and White, ignoring the possibility of Gray.
I like this: "It's not perfection we get: it's a chance to sort it out. Every day? More chances." Once again, AMEN!
(also: I love the phrase "dizzy fucking monkeys." Also "We hurl bolts until our arms fail & the light in us dies." That is exactly how hollow victory feels.)
__
cartouche! nope, you're right, we get everything a little too late. I am applauded for being conciliatory here. Someday someone from my asshole past might join OS just to give me what fer, then boy will I have to be abject. ah well.
thank you.
Con: well there is a "bolt" up there too, maybe i meant some thing about hardware? who knows?
thank you.
Nikki: working on lag time: my main project.
thank you.
ClarkK: you focus on v good parts: cringes and I like your part about those lines, practically speakin that's where the work of short lag time is: knowing the lines.
thank you.
Lainey: you honor me with this close read and fine comment and personal revelation. It feels jarringly familiar, how we keep a gripe and chip pile over class or status or slight, real or not. If we just wait, we see more.
thank you, friend.
ClarkK: some part of me is ALWAYS think about my daughters and dating, but I wasn't conscious of it here. More like: the poem is mediocre (ahem, "unpolished") and a mishmash outpouring SOC thing.
trilogy: then I am glad i kept that in. Felt a bit corny but then the whole thing is sort of corny and I liked the way it looked there.
thank you.
Denise! I find you a stellar example of wicked wit and humor and genuine compassion.
thank you.
Gary: dissipate the harsh: yep (except with reefer: u want to hold in the harsh as long as possible). we all need handy shelves.
thank you.
Bellweather: me too, I have at last control mostly over my behavior, less so my face, and I am still in inner turmoil.
thank you.
Owl: "maybe we haven't been wronged" -- yes! and sometimes we have been grievously wronged, but not wounded. This is startling to me, in recent years: I can feel instant compassion for someone's ugliness to me, sometimes, because I own my "self" and do not help them make the cut, to justify my next angry action.
You are utterly consistent with the feeling of this.
thank you.
Lainey: HA! yessiree bob.
missingk8: thanks
Dr. Spudman: what great writing you have done recently, btw! Protection, yep, for wounds we feel compelled to feel as strong as we can. Weird, us humans.
thank you.
Suzie: you honor me with this extended comment. love the example with your daughter. We plug everything into "us", I know I do.
"heroically shouting 'I dare you' " -- my whole post in one compact line!!!
more chances. thank goodness for that.
thank you.
anna: thank you.
ClarkK: and everyone helped me see what the heck I am talking about, too!
thank you.
greenhorn: an appropriately poetic response to a poem. lovely.
thank you.
__
will respond if any other comments come in but I have to do "work" now. sigh.
THAT line jumped up and bit me right in the ass. Nicely done, Greg.
It's a chance to sort it out."
Greater truth could not be spoken. Really, those few words are a novel.