Greg Correll


Greg Correll

Greg Correll
New Paltz, New York, US
September 21
Founder, Chief of Deselopy (small packages); Editor (
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MAY 20, 2011 9:58AM

The Rapture: A Guide for the Perplexed

Rate: 34 Flag

1. Those little piles of colopods, demodex mites, head lice, firmicutes, and bacteroides, left behind when Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Charles  "went upstairs"? Crush them underfoot. Resist the temptation to sell them as relics. If God thought they were special he would have let them accompany Gertie and Chuck. They are atheistic parasites, plain and simple, so crunch them up. lice Just be careful about the Athlete's foot fungi –– and especially any vaginal flora. It might be Candida, left here by those going to that, the best of all possible worlds.

2. If you have an adolescent in the house who was left behind, this will be a difficult time for them. Teens tend to think of themselves as Wronged, Misunderstood, and Unlovable, Oafish Sub-creatures (and also at times Golden-skinned Demi-urges who must be feared and obeyed and not messed with). To discover how, yeah, the Almighty does sorta kinda think you are, officially, Not All That? will either make them sullen and snappish, or else they will act out and leave the kitchen a total wreck.

Be sensitive. Unless you just can't take it anymore, in which case go ahead and have one of your semi-regular set-tos and this time really let them have it, and you're not kidding. You've had it, buster. You'll go on strike, and see how long they last without clean laundry and a well-stocked 'fridge.

Just understand: missing out on eternity in paradise is hard on young people. It also gives them the perfect excuse not to study for their SATs, so keep on them about that.

3. Compassion will be in short supply, so everyone has to acquire some thick skin. Unless she secretly looks at nude body-building web pages, that sweet little old lady at the Te-Amo, whose smile and spirit of lovingkindness makes life worth living every morning when you stop to buy the Times, is likely on the long line to meet St. Pete right this minute, doing the crossword and chatting with your dog groomer. You will never see her or any of the truly generous and soothing and up-beat people again. Get used to it.

Liebniz4. Heaven is probably over-rated. What do you do up there –– hover? After you commiserate with St. Agnes for an eon, bask in the eternal rays of the eternal dawn for an epoch or two, meet Honest Abe and MLK, and spend an interminable time listening politely to Liebniz mutter about Monads, what's to do? Everyone is 30 years old, no one has sex, or a satisfying crap, or tells wickedly funny jokes, and everyone is "fine". Get me the hell outa here!

5. Self-righteousness is no longer a problem now. This is a good thing. We are all the schlubs God abandoned, all of us. No one can affect sanctification. Once this settles in, maybe little miss shit-don't-stink will come off her high horse and let my sister-in-law join her Mah-jong group.

White Jazz 6. We can now vote on a new holy book. I nominate "White Jazz" by James Ellroy. Sure it's a dark look at the underbelly of American history during the 60's, full of secret conspiracies and amoral anti-heroes. And yeah, unless you read the prequels you can't appreciate the stream-of-consciousness prose and dense, splatter-tang colloquialisms. But it's a masterpiece of prose style by our greatest living writer -- I just assume he wasn't taken by the Lord; read his books, there's just no way –– and it's a testament to our true nature. And everyone's life will seem better by comparison.

7. Our true nature is all we've got now. Perhaps we can finally solve the energy crisis. And start seriously funding public schools, encouraging them to be competitive, like our colleges used to be and our grad schools still are. And let's settle on just one interface for phones, ATMs, and especially card swipe machines. performance artI am so sick of fumbling in front of minimum-wage slackers when I pick up my Ambien.

rhyme2_2408. A mega-church would make a great AIR performance space.

9. It's all up to us, now that all the unimaginative sycophants are doing the Big Hosanna in Heaven. Yahweh's busy being adored, so maybe he'll leave us in peace for a while, and we can legalize pot, spay some animals, cancel those God-awful MTV mind-rot shows. And pass decent universal health care, what with 3% of the Republicans gone.

10. And maybe we can take a week off, for Christ's sake. I mean, would it kill us to take a little downtime?

bora-bora-island-tahiti-french-polynesia470This is all we non-believers are left with. Shudder. Cringe.

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Maimonides and his Guide for The Perplexed has nothing on you, friend. :) r.
perhaps we can rename this: a guide for the left-behind? I do feel better. Elsewhere Xenon suggested we set some sort of guidelines about how we divide the neighbors' stuff when they leave? I like that idea and also the idea of a party on Sunday to, you know, kind of take the sting off...
Laughing our heads off will not make the Rapture any more pleasant...but certainly more interesting....Wait, only 3% of Republicans?
I love this. And the list gets better, with the best at the end. Yes, maybe behind it all is a simple desire for a true week off.
I'm going to stay up all night long and eat potato chips, and drink sugared soda!! Wooooo!!!

~singing~ END OF THE WORLD, AND I FEEL...well a bit gasy!! What? :D
Only 3% of Republicans gone? Hm. Who'd have thought? :D Thanks for the laughs! r
Thanks. I needed this.
Thank you for enlightening me. If I get to pick between accompanying those people up to the clouds for eternity and two weeks in one of those huts on the turquoise water, I'll take the hut please. That one with the small boat parked out front.
Your last picture reflects the New World as Columbus found it. Columbus thought he must have landed in Paradise, for the inhabitants were so innocent and lived in an Eden where they toiled not, neither did they sew.

Of course, all that was before the people in the New World got infected with Spanish Catholicism and decimated by Spanish gold-lust.
I was thinking: what about people who get air-sick, flying up to heaven like that? God certianly has her hands full, getting every little part of this just right.
She's the ultimate "Tabitha Twitchit Danvers" hostess –– salad forks just so, clean linen, who sits next to who at the "Welcome to the Afterlife" brunch, etc.
For that mega-church, maybe the AIR-sex competition (a strange event I just recently read about - possibly here on OS).

I'm looking forward to the interviews with Rev. Clamping or whatever his name is and his followers.
Hey, maybe that's hows come we're getting so much downtime right now on OS. Dress rehearsal for the Big Flounce. I'm witcha here, Greg. If only Beelzebub would accept Christ as his savior in the final seconds and be lifted to the Grande Concerto de Harp so's we wouldn't hafta be fighting the bastard into submission down here. I mean...I do?
Nice Daddio! Here's to the Sunday party after, see you there :)
Brilliant, Greg. I'm just wondering what happens if you're half-Jewish. Does half stay behind? And if so, which half?
Nice, I like knowing what's next :)
Number 5 had me hooting out loud. What do we do with the 97 percent of Republicans who thought they were going up and get left behind? If you think your teenager will be crankypants, beware Newt Gingrich!
"God certianly has her hands full, getting every little part of this just right.
She's the ultimate "Tabitha Twitchit Danvers" hostess –– salad forks just so, clean linen, who sits next to who at the "Welcome to the Afterlife" brunch, etc."

Oh, no! I know she's a legend in her own mind, but Martha Stewart has gone too far this time !
Brilliant. She could also spay some people along with the animals. And I'm puzzled about all those "faithful" Housewives Of.. do they get to go? If so, can we sell their obscenely huge homes and tacky bling to help the homeless?
As so many others have before me . . . I swear, I thought "Only 3% of Republicans?"
Damn, man . . . where were you when I was a kid? I could have used this logic . . . of course, I'll happily take it now, though . . .
I'm so glad I'll be on your team, Greg! This sounds more like paradise than anything.

Great analysis Greg. So far the Pacific islands and parts of Asia remain unrapturized, but I heard somewhere that it may roll out over six months, so any forthcoming natural disaster (and perhaps the death of the Macho man is a portent) will sure be attributable to its onset.
There was a time, in late childhood to the onset of adolescense, when I worried myself sick about what would happen. One day -- one goddam day! -- this all flashed through my head and released me from the horrors my apocalyptic granny had laid on me. I evolved from that point, but never far enough to have been able to express it the way you have here. The party starts in a few hours. Yah'mo be here.
I always feel so much better when I'm informed. funny and sardonic and creative...THANKS! ;}r
Count me among the damned! I had a glass of white wine and a margarita tonight.
Has anybody called Australia or Yerp to see if their numbers are down already?

Great read.
About the recalcitrant teens, I almost made them a post-rapture video consisting of I-Told-You-So's and Someday-I'll-Get-Payback-When-Your-Kids-Treat-You-This-Way diatribes. But they were on to me and hid the camera.
Delighted to remain in such good company.
Has anyone on here ever believed in God or that Jesus Christ was God's son? If so, what made you change your mind? Was it church in general, so called Christians or something else? I am just beginning as a preacher and I have largely different opinions with most churches as to what it means to follow the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm sure many will think I am going to give a sermon later(I won't), but I am truly interested in those who have decided that "religion" is not for them. Thanks
Also, can you point me to other articles like this one.
Thank God I am left behind, you make it seem a lot more fun.
Well deserved EP.
rated with love
Only 3% of Republicans gone? I don't like those odds much.
To all: I dunno. 3% Republicans, maybe 4%Democrats, tops. My take on it is: no one is sanctified, and the few among us who live saintly lives can thank genetics and circumstance, not political positions. And damn few of us are consistently compassionate and forbearing and generous enough to qualify for eternity.

To Chris:
I see you have no posts and only one comment, on my sardonic look at the Rapture. You ask questions of me

If you are sincere: take a look at Bart Ehrman and Richard Price. Both are reknowned biblical scholars with many books on the topics of biblical history, biblical claims of authenticity, the sources for bible stories that pre-date the bible (frmo which the bible's authors "lifted" their tales), and much more. Neither are "new atheists". Ehrman is an agnostic. Price attends church every week, though he is not a believer any more.

It is not necessary to give up faith, though reasonable and learned people often do. What is more important is to put critical thinking and rationality at their proper place in the center of life.

If you are simply being sly as a serpent and hoping to engage with me or non-believers in order to gently (or not) correct us, the stand-up way to do that is to simply start posting your arguments, and invite everyone to comment. No one is sanctified, Chris; on OS this is the free marketplace of ideas, and while I welcome, even enjoy, intelligent discussion about the problem of evil, the illusion of free will, the evidence for supernatural beings like a god, the case for a larger secular or biological foundation for morality and ethics, and all the hot topics related to religion, I don't like stealth proselytizing. It's tedious and predictable and unproductive.

Forgive me if I misinterpret. Compassion is the main thing, for and between human beings, yes? No matter what inspires it.

As to any of my posts on the topic, half of them are about belief. The titles indicate, generally. Try "We are infants in a pitiless nursery." or "gone, but for the grace".
The wittiest piece on the end of the world yet!
I could spend eternity in one of those beach side huts! Count me in!
re #1: I love your visual that would have each of us Ascending into heaven, leaving our personal collection of suddenly-homeless parasites, bacteria, and skin mites behind. Like in the cartoons where bobbie pins hung in the air behind Witch Hazel after she rocketed away on her broom. I would have enjoyed seeing that. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

re #4: You might enjoy reading "Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven," by Mark Twain. Available online here: