Appropriate to this photo, life was a blur for us at 21 and 23 respectively.

It's been quite a while since I posted any actual written content on Open Salon (waiting for applause to abade..., Okay) and I'm not quite sure what the impetus for this piece, but here goes.  As many on here know, I've been with my wife for 25 of my 46 years on Earth.  We also have many people ask us what our secret is, and I will share our secret with you, willing to read.

I named this "The Evolution of a Lasting Marriage", but not in the Darwinian sense. I mean within the period of a long marriage by today's standards. I understand that today's standards may be very low, but let's say 50 years for reference' sake.  My maternal grandparents were married 63 years, so it's within the realm of reality.

I once asked my grandfather when I was a very young man how he and my grandmother had stayed together so long? He answered with one word, "patience".  He really didn't even elaborate after that as he was often as brief as he was wise.  He let that word stew in my young brain for a while as he also often did.

My grandparents were polar opposites.  My grandfather a kind, gentle, hard working and completely honest behemoth of a man.  My grandmother a tall and thin, moody, secretive and rather loud woman whom I loved very much in spite of it all.  My grandmother gave my grandfather a tough time most of the time.  But they loved each other and just as often showed that side too.

With myself and my wife I can sum up the key to our longevity in one word, patience.  No, I'm not trying to be a meme to my grandfather or unoriginal, it just turns out that my grandfather was right.  I though will elaborate a bit more.  Marriage is like a fine wine, you must let it age and become more complex to fully appreciate it.  The only advice that I give to someone who is contemplating marriage for the first time and asks my opinion is can you walk away when angry and can you muster the courage to say I'm sorry?

When a couple first meets they live off of pure infatuation, lust and adoration.  This varies from person to person in how long it can keep the fire lit.  Now I will admit that this was a long time for my wife and I.  I will however say that the infatuation, lust and adoration doesn't necessarily disappear, it just dissipates a bit and changes form.

I was infatuated with my wife's outer beauty, poise, intellect and humility.  I lusted for her petite and beautiful body.  I adored her passion and compassion for other people and for animals.  Twenty-five years later that infatuation for all of the above has changed and added my amazement of her as a parent, professional and tolerant, patient wife.  The lust remains but isn't 24/7 as back then.  Anyone who expects that is pushing the boundaries of reality to the extreme.  My adoration of her has actually grown in all ways and has added many other facets.

Now what you do add new to the equation are the somewhat negatives that you don't encounter in the early stages of a relationship and even marriage.  My wife is quirky (as am I) and she is the single most stubborn person I've ever met.  This conflicts with my consummate forgiving nature.  My wife is the type who rarely admits she's wrong.  I admit I'm wrong every day about something.  My wife on occasion wants to go toe to navel with me in an argument.  I always prefer a quiet, peaceful resolution. 

I have so many quirks, faults, shortcomings, annoyances, aggravations, etc... that I'm going to spare the details.  Let's just say I'm working on them all.  I also have my positives but I would humbly digress and let my wife elaborate on those.  Where Susan and I have suceeded is that we have both learned from one another about each shortcoming and patiently (notice that word) never given up on the other.  If we split up every time we had an argument, disagreement or felt that the other was just too much to handle, we'd have parted ways many years ago.

The bottom line for me is that our evolution has transformed one type of love to another more complex and long lasting love.  We respect each other so much more after all the mighty hell we've endured and we relish the memories of all the great times we've had together.  I have been faithful to my wife all these years and she to me. I've never even thought about raising my hand to her in anger, nor her to me.  I've never lashed out and called her a  profane name and I've never talked negatively about her behind her back.  These are the things I'm most proud of after all this time, outside of our beautiful son.

People have asked us if we can both envision another 25 years together and without pause we always answer "yes" simultaneously.  I can't imagine the grass being greener and I don't want to imagine it.  When temptation has stared me in the face in these 25 years, I always mentally and very deeply told myself that gratuitous pleasure is fleeting and that I am a horrible liar and could never live with that kind of secret.

A colleague on a business trip once said to me (ironically enough in Las Vegas) "your wife would never know!"  I looked at him squarely and said, "I would."  If you can evolve to that point and truly mean it, you're home free.