This post is another in a series of occasional installments describing my early recovery and treatment for alcoholism.  The most recent prior post is   50 years old, sober, lonely, and Christmas in a group home.    Others may be found in the “My Links” section on the left side of my blog. Every time I post one of these stories I hear from a number of people struggling with alcoholism/addiction – either theirs or someone in their family, or a friend.  I am grateful for that as my primary purpose in telling my story is to carry a message of hope to others who are dealing with this killer disease.

It also makes me humble and grateful for my sober life and recovery program. I mention AA periodically, as that is what works for me.  I am neither a spokesperson nor do I represent AA in any manner. There are many ways to get clean and sober and it doesn’t matter to me how one achieves this.  Simply put, this is my story.  I appreciate you taking time to read it. 

 ********************************************************************************************

I am 50 years old and newly sober (9 months) for the first time in 30 years and living in a group home and I hate it.  I decide to quit staying here and unceremoniously move back into my own house (where the wife and two kids live).  About the only thing that keeps me going right now is focusing on the little things each day.  Clean up the house.  Do some laundry.  Go to an AA meeting or two.  I am just beginning to realize that handling sobriety is really hard for me.  I am not drinking but these feelings are tortuous.  Wife just seems angry all the time.

I am realizing (very slowly) that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to please others, and it really hasn’t worked all that well.  What it did was keep everyone at a distance from me – an emotional distance that allowed me to operate safely.  The drinking has clearly blotted away the feelings that bubbled up constantly too. This is not an anxious feeling – and that’s good – because anxiety just felt like a killer.  This is more a low level depression and confusion. My fear now is that I am realizing this stuff; but, will simply continue to repeat the past.

One battle my wife and I have had constantly has centered on her constant calling for intimacy.   It has been a therapy theme and at times felt like a demand. Being sober has brought this front and center. Hell, I don’t even know what we’ve really been talking about all these years.  I’m pretty certain that intimacy isn’t an intellectual abstraction and I doubt that I’ll discover it in a therapy session.

The days pass and I find myself on the inter-city bus again heading to my recovery group meeting at a local hospital.  It is cold and a freezing rain is falling. Still no luck finding a job.  My best lead for a real job got me an interview, but that possibility has dimmed since they learned about my two DUI’s.  I took the advice of my fellow group members and had an honest talk with my wife about some feelings I was having and her behavior.  That seems to have driven her further into a zombie-like seething rage of sorts.  I guess I screwed that one up but good. Or maybe it’s something else.

I’ve never really liked myself all that much – and I’m not even certain what that means – but it’s true.  Outwardly I looked great (Ph.D., good job – well it was a good job until I got fired for my alcoholism, cars, house, vacations and the like).  Inwardly I sucked.  I always measured my insides by comparing them with others’ outsides.

Another month passes.  Relationship with wife continues to be passively filled with anger, sullenness and hostility.  Her solution is for me to move out of the house.  Great!  Out again!  This time I refuse. She and the kids are gone for the weekend and I’m thoroughly enjoying being alone.  I also have found that spending time with my nine year old son just doing stuff is fun.  I am realizing that I cannot really control others feelings toward me by how I behave.  It is also a lot less tiring to not do this.  Why did this take me so long to realize this?

I hear a lot of AA’s talk about how hard that first year of sobriety can be.  I get it.  Not in a self pity or feel-sorry-for-me way; rather, feeling my feelings is new and scary.  Yes, nobody ever died from their feelings; but, it sure feels like a possibility. I am finding that I do get a little daily boost from my meetings, but the no job thing is very depressing. I volunteer to coach my son’s Little League baseball team and that turns out to be fun. Part of me just wants to run away and maybe everything will be better. I know it really won’t.

I am reminded of what   a guy said in a meeting months ago.  “My name’s Action Jackson and I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I love you all, and the bad news is that I’m attracted to sick folk.”  Hmmm, I guess that’s me.  I notice that the Bradford pears are in full bloom and that they’re everywhere, and that they really stink (smell them next spring and you’ll see).  They look so pretty and they stink so badly.  Hmmmmm…

 *************************************************************************************

 I have been writing excerpts of my alcoholism and recovery story and posting them on OS for well over a year. I stopped for awhile but have found a renewed energy to continue writing from my journal entries of that time period in my life.

Many reading this today are “new” readers and I appreciate you taking time to read this.  This all occurred about ten years ago.  My life today is a total miracle in so many ways, and I want readers who may be struggling to know that there is hope and that it takes time. And to be certain, my life today has its struggles and hardships; but, that’s just life.

And to you “veteran” readers of my story, I offer you my most heartfelt thanks.