This post is another in a series of occasional installments describing my early recovery and treatment for alcoholism.  The most recent prior post is   Early sobriety and these feelings are going to kill me. Others may be found in the “My Links” section on the left side of my blog. Every time I post one of these stories I hear from a number of people struggling with alcoholism/addiction – either theirs or someone in their family, or a friend.  I am grateful for that as my primary purpose in telling my story is to carry a message of hope to others who are dealing with this killer disease.  

It also makes me humble and grateful for my sober life and recovery program. I mention AA periodically, as that is what works for me.  I am neither a spokesperson nor do I represent AA in any manner. There are many ways to get clean and sober and it doesn’t matter to me how one achieves this.  Simply put, this is my story.  I appreciate you taking time to read it. 

******************************************************************************************** 

Been sober now for seven months.  Haven’t wanted to drink but I must admit that life seems pretty desolate. At times I’ve been almost “zombie like” according to my journal notes.  Wife remains angry and wants me to move out.  This pisses me off.  It seems that I’m always the one making up and trying to make things right. When we’re apart it feels safer and way more relaxed all around. I’m realizing that my “people pleasing” behavior really serves to keep people at a distance from me, and at the same time I am resenting this default behavior of mine.  In fact, these thoughts have become a rather constant theme. 

I thought that if I quit drinking, then everything else would fall in place.  Turns out that I’ve got other “issues” to deal with too.  Who would have guessed?  I heard this guy in a meeting say that he (and many alcoholics like me) got sober and then he expected others to start congratulating him.  He had a nice way of putting it:  “I wanted to be congratulated for doing what I was supposed to be doing in the first place.”  Hmmmm...so maybe there’s more to this sobriety than first imagined.  My sponsor had a better way of putting it.  “If alcohol was our only problem, then the detox centers would be turning out winners all the time.”  Hmmmm... 

One of my friends from my last rehab inpatient program called today to say hello.  That felt good.  He is a world renowned brain chemistry scientist and physician. Seriously.   When we were in rehab together I used to think of him as the smartest man I ever met (and still do).  One morning as we rode to the treatment center together he commented that he had just realized that he could no longer trust his own judgment and thinking. I recall being stunned that the world’s smartest man couldn’t trust his own thinking.  This caused me great consternation as I always had thought that I could think my way out of everything. Yes, I admit, I have a thinking problem. 

Today I’m riding on my moped from a temporary job to my outpatient group.  My mind is racing.  God, I’ve only been home from rehab for five months...seems much longer...my feelings are all over the place...AA meeting attendance remains strong and that feels good...I’m trying to re-connect with life here...feel very distant and estranged from wife...she seems so angry and controlling and rigid about things...taking her inventory...too bad...going to do it anyway...this all feels really sad to me...everything I’ve built up in 20 years just doesn’t count for anything...waves of sadness and loneliness lately...old voices and thoughts but man are they hard to get rid of...feel as though I’m not good enough...not worthy enough to be around others...I know that some people in AA seem to like me...I just want someone to like me and to want me...so confused..I want someone to be proud of me...why do I put up with this shit?...I even feel” less” than in my own house...I’m enjoying coaching son’s baseball team...watching daughter’s high school volleyball games and her interacting with her friends...so aware that I missed this part of my life...no parent involvement in school activities...Dad tried but Mom couldn’t... I arrive at my destination...shut off mind. 

Job situation looking up as an old friend has offered some temporary work, and I might have a chance to teach summer school at a local university.  Maybe there is a future?  Also aware of being strongly attracted to another woman in AA group.  I honestly don’t understand this. The AA message is no relationships during the first year of sobriety. And, oh yeah, I’m married. But, I’m different I think. I can handle this when others can’t.  Ah...that thinking problem again.

The months pass and it is July.  Been sober eleven whole months. Wife returns from beach weekend with the two kids and says “You’ll be getting a letter tomorrow from my lawyer telling you to move out by the 17^th of August.”  I am stunned, and yet I’m not.  A letter?  A lawyer? Fuck this.  Nobody’s going to make me move out of my own house.  I am sober, I’ve got some work, I’m helping with the household, I’m sleeping on the couch in the TV room, and you’ve told me I have to be out? I defiantly tell her that “it ain’t gonna happen.” 

The days go by and the ultimatum day approaches.  It’s August 17^th and I point out to the wife that I’m still here.  On August 18^th I move out.  Just had to make my point.   My one year sobriety anniversary coincides with moving out of the house. Little did I know what was in store. 

******************************************************************************************** 

I have been writing excerpts of my alcoholism and recovery story and posting them on OS for well over a year. Some reading this today are “new” readers and I appreciate you taking time to read this.  This all occurred about ten years ago.  My life today is a total miracle in so many ways, and I want readers who may be struggling to know that there is hope and that it takes time. And to be certain, my life today has its struggles and hardships; but, that’s just life.

And to you “veteran” readers of my story, I continue to offer you my most heartfelt thanks.