This post is another in a series of occasional installments describing my early recovery and treatment for alcoholism.  The most recent prior post is   Sober? BFD!...Now move out of the house . Others may be found in the “My Links” section on the left side of my blog. Every time I post one of these stories I hear from a number of people struggling with alcoholism/addiction – either theirs or someone in their family, or a friend.  I am grateful for that as my primary purpose in telling my story is to carry a message of hope to others who are dealing with this killer disease.  

It also makes me humble and grateful for my sober life and recovery program. I mention AA periodically, as that is what works for me.  I am neither a spokesperson nor do I represent AA in any manner. There are many ways to get clean and sober and it doesn’t matter to me how one achieves this.  Simply put, this is my story.  I appreciate you taking time to read it. 

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So I’ve now been sober for one year and have been “kicked out of my house.”  Didn’t see that one coming. Got an apartment by myself.  Probably not a good idea to live alone at the age of 50 and with no steady job and a somewhat shaky sobriety at the moment; but, that’s been one of my lifelong struggles.  The “that” being that I have a hard time taking direction from others. 

I have been substitute teaching for the past several months as it is the only job I can find. Two years ago I was a high school principal of a large urban school with a very generous salary and today I am substitute teaching for $67.00 per day.  I do recognize being grateful to be sober and at the same time this is hard. One day I find myself subbing at my daughter’s high school and of course it would turn out that she had that class.  She asked me in advance if she could just report to the library instead because she didn’t want people to know.  I said okay.

I am a year sober and living alone and what’s the first thing I do after I officially mark my first year of sobriety?  Why, I get into a relationship with a woman in my local AA group.   Everyone advises against this; but, I am “different” and can handle it.  The first several months are pure heaven.  The details are omitted here out of respect for others; however, suffice it to say that I was euphoric for months in this relationship.  And then on Thanksgiving weekend it all changed and I got dumped.  I use the adolescent word “dumped” because that is the level I am operating on at that time – adolescence.  I had never been dumped in my life – it was always the other way around.  I was hurt, lonely, confused, agitated and generally all out of sorts.  I started doing what adolescents do – begging, crying, pleasing...anything to restore my wholeness through this relationship.  No dice.  After a couple of weeks of  two 50-year old adolescents fighting I knew it was over.

My solution was to get drunk tomorrow night (Saturday).  It was now Friday night and so I put on my “Neil Young- Unplugged” CD and tried to fall asleep before it ended.  I woke up Saturday morning and the first thing I thought about was that today I’m going to get drunk.  That seemed like a perfectly good solution.  And because I was different from the others, I would be able to get drunk and nobody would know and then I would reappear sober on Sunday.  I knew this wasn’t a real smart idea; but, I also knew that it would bring some relief from my feelings and that was all I wanted.

Before I could finish a cup of coffee the phone rang. It was my ten year-old son calling.  He and his mother had gone to the beach for the weekend.  He said he wasn’t having any fun and “Mom told me I could stay with you tonight and she’d bring us home early from the beach if that’s okay with you.”

I  was stunned for a moment and at the same time I told him that would be great. I was in tears before we hung up.  I knew immediately what had happened and that was “no drinking today.”  He arrived around 4:00pm.  We walked (no driver’s license because of DUI’s) to a nearby shopping center for dinner, went bowling, rented a movie and eventually fell asleep on the apartment floor (sparsely furnished to say the least).  His mother picked him up the next day.  I was elated, confused, agitated, sad – you name it – but sober. That afternoon I got on my moped and went to an AA meeting about an hour early.  I walked in and immediately encountered one of the old timers.  He asked matter-of-factly “ How’r ya’doin?”  My usual reply to that question is “fine.”  Instead I just started crying and mumbled “not so good.”

“You been drinking today?”

“No.”

“Okay then.  You’ve got a chance. Hang in there.” He patted me on the back and walked toward the coffee counter.

I got some coffee and sat in a chair and listened to the speaker – or pretended to listen to the speaker.  As soon as the meeting ended the chairperson called out my name and asked if I would hand out the chips. I was too afraid to say "no" and besides, I had learned to at least do whatever I was asked in a meeting. I got focused and handed out the chips in the customary order. 

"This white chip represents surrender.  Anybody want to join us one day at a time and pick up a white chip?"

"This yellow chip represents 30 days.  Anybody with 30 days?'  And on I went through red, blue, green and some bronze medallions.  Two people picked up chips and I felt a little better.

Better enough that I then approached another old timer in the room and asked if he would consider "sponsoring" me.  He said something like “Let’s meet for breakfast tomorrow and talk about it.” I immediately started thinking why that wouldn’t work for me and yet I blurted out an “okay.”  Little did I know that my life was going to radically change for the better in the next several months.  It seemed pretty gloomy at the moment. 

As I walked out the door another friend who got sober the same month as me asked me privately how things were with my family.  The honest truth is that nobody had asked me that in the previous year - most likely because I always tried to look good and be "fine."  I broke down sobbing and got "listened to" for an hour and a half - pretty much non-stop.  I was drained.  We remain close friends to this day.

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I have been writing excerpts of my alcoholism and recovery story and posting them on OS for quite awhile.  Some reading this today are “new” readers and I appreciate you taking time to read this.  This all occurred about ten years ago.  My life today is a total miracle in so many ways, and I want readers who may be struggling to know that there is hope and that it takes time. And to be certain, my life today has its struggles and hardships; but, that’s just life. I intend to finish up these parts of my recovery story pretty quickly over the next several weeks. It’s just time.  I can tell.

And to you “veteran” readers of my story, I continue to offer you my most heartfelt thanks.