St. Petersburg, FL – (AP)
The AARP announced this afternoon that it is buying Open Salon from the Salon Media Group, Inc. An email blast to media outlets worldwide provided insight into this explosive deal. “It’s a perfect fit for our organizational focus. Our 90-day data analytics surpassed our expectations. The average OS reader is 53 years old but acts and feels 83 according to a survey of 4,000 blog post contents.”
AARP spokesman Jerry Attrick noted in a press conference that “74% of OS posts include references to flatulence, depression, moodiness, bone density loss, and decreasing sexual desire. This is a perfect market for our major advertisers: Beano, Lunesta, Citracal, and Cialis. We’ve been watching this site for a year and the mood suddenly struck. The amazing thing is that shut-ins seem to endlessly enjoy stories about bodily functions and they are invariably highly rated.”
Interest in Open Salon has been high in certain markets. Construction magnate Del Webb opined that “OS gives meaning to life for the geezer set. It’s something we’d like to acquire but the AARP outbid us. We were asleep at the switch. It’s that simple.” Webb added “…and that crazy EP system they have is to die for.” He later modified his statement to clarify that he meant to say that the “EP system is highly competitive and a badge of distinction for a senior.”
Veteran market watchers at Charles Schwab said the deal had to be worth thousands in tip-ems for the Salon Group and that it could use its cash to increase its recipe columns to two days per week. Chuck also noted that the AARP said it would begin serializing Prince Valiant on Saturdays to add to its robust lineup of featured comics. “Besides,” opined AARP’s Attrick, “the OS demographic tends to forget what it read the previous week so we can use reruns frequently.”
In a later follow-up release the AARP said it would be rerunning cover pages from 2009 for “awhile” but with current dates until some changes could be made. He noted that “nobody will really notice.”
An anonymous Salon Media Group official commented "this demographic will be a real loss; however, we are confident that by installing a four-hour feed feature we will be able to attract many of OS's 50 most popular writers and commenters."
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Margaret Feike
Little Kate
Michelle Coulter
Tony Wang
Pierre Angiel
Ed Stein
Salon.com
Comments
terrific composition, grif. damn. i'm still laughing.
But...funny, very funny
Damn you, Cranky.
Rated. Twice, if I could.
I was kind of hoping that Disney would buy us, so we could say, and mean it, "We really have a Mickey Mouse leadership in this place!!"
A friend of mine use to say, "What's the difference between our workplace and The Boy Scouts? At least with the Scouts, you have adult leadership!!"
Hahaha!!
Sorry.
**Wanders off**
Promise that you will SHOOT me if I go for the OS/AARP online shuffleboard tourney...complete with friend and gift requests!
Zumapick times ten for the funniest thing that I've read in the last five minutes.
You have an addiction? JOIN AARP! And then check out Woodlake Recovery Center --- peaceful, tranquil, there's a grave yard close by!!
:'(
~giggle~
"You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark!... All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up."
Think I'll take a nap now.
femme – memories of champagne bubbles just made my eyes moist.
Abrawang – that tip-em deal could secretly amount to millions if we could just figure out how to make it work.
Stellaa – kajink indeed! This was fun.
trilogy - don’t take it personally. These figures are just AVERAGES with an s.d. of 12 years.
Brie – thanks for stopping by.
jk– those were the days weren’t they? Ah how the years slip by. One day we young and wild and now…?
Unbreakable – it’s okay. We’re all depressed.
Old new … - this will be a big moment for OS advertising.
Lschmoopie – glad you got a chuckle.
Tinky – do you have any idea what is under that loin cloth?
Bonnie – comments from the grave are always helpful when it involves mega-news like this!
Zuma – five minutes? Five minutes? You have high standards for 3:01 am!!!
Older – if you are really old AND happy you best hitch your wagon and ride out of town. You will never be accepted in these here parts.
Tinky – didn’t you visit once already? I forget.
Jan – I’m with you (the arrested development part – not the 85.) Yet.
Linnnnnnnnnnnnnn- great line. Did you know that DeMille is from a small sleepy town in eastern NC? He was a real Bible- toter in his youth and then he went to Hollywood and – why am I writing this again?
Nikki – I totally understand. I wrote this last night and then was surprised to see it this morning.
Several of the writers who consistently get EPs -- but don't get read, decided they could improve their readership by importing AARP members. So they pooled all their Tip-em and Adsense money and bought AARP for $1.57 cash and a massive loan from the makers of Depends.
It's anticipated that posts about incontinence and Betty White will be a big hit with the AARP segment, and the EP crowd will happily fill the need for such pap. AARP managment predicts that as a result of this merger, its members will experience a dramatic decrease in the need sleep medications.
Former management at AARP has been assigned clean-up detail on the OS website in yet another vain attempt to remove spam and locate arch-villain Mary Lin. Wall Street reacted to the merger by roaring to a new high of 15,277 based largely on the rumor that the dollar was being replaced by Tip-em tokens.
Cool!
And tell Femme Forte that I am the Lawrence Welk mobile home park real estate group, and I present her insinuations!
Bernadine – that’s the nice thing about superaging – the lack of memory thing.
bikepsycho – we’re all going to sit outdoors in bathtubs and see what happens next.
Tom – I forget why this deal went down to start with. Betty White?? She’s vavavooooooooom! I am off to the stock market to buy some prunes for the Super Bowl game tomorrow. What??
Chuck – if we’re lucky we all get into this demographic like it or not.
Fred – you and Femme will get to see each other at 4:00pm today in the Day Room. Unsupervised too! Woohoo!
I'm here.lol
I'm only disappointed it's Prince Valiant and not Rex Morgan.
XJS – good one. Antacids Always Relieve Pressure.
Mumbletypeg – Rex Morgan MD is a brilliant suggestion!! Sorry that comment disappeared. 5:30 AM??? There’s a clue.
Stacey – You are so welcome!
Foolish – fookin A is right!
Snoreville – I like that – “young man.”
Not they they usually aren't...
REAL GOOD!