This is a response to an article on Salon, titled “Why Your Marriage Sucks,” and to the comments on that article. (As I write this, I think of Shel Silverstein’s “The Missing Piece” and “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O.” Ah, children’s books.)

1. You’re not a selfish bitch or a conceited dick. You notice him. You compliment her. You thank him for doing things, especially small things. You ask her if she wants a drink when you get up to go to the kitchen. It’s easy, but you know it’s these things that are important.

2. You occasionally make sacrifices for her. You pick up your mother-in-law at the airport, without complaining to him. You do the dishes without being asked by her. You buy flowers for no special reason, just to make him smile.

3. You talk about issues before they grow into huge problems. You don’t constantly talk about your needs and wants. You sometimes ask questions. You listen and ask follow-up questions. You offer your own feelings and thoughts. You have real conversations.

4. You ask for forgiveness and you do it with humility. You forgive and you do it genuinely. You are quick to see your own faults and you work on making them into positive characteristics. You are slow to see his.

5. You give him space to breathe. He needs to have quiet time to know himself. You let her have time alone. She needs to have peaceful space to know herself.

6. You nurture each other’s interests and passions. You take genuine interest. You ask questions. You encourage each other to take risks in order to follow your dreams. You work together to meet common and separate goals. You make plans together and celebrate those plans.

7. You take time to celebrate each other and simply being together. This celebration does not need to take money. This celebration only takes space and time and love. And maybe music.

(These are things I've learned from my loving husband, my older friends, my gay "couple" friends, the lesbian mothers at my SF church, and other relationships that I've seen flourish despite hardships and stressful situations.)