I was practicing yoga at 4 am this morning. Why? Because we’re leaving the good ol’ U.S. of A. on April 1st. Because the stress of organizing this temporary move overseas has been doing a number on my body and mind. My neck is so full of knots that I woke up with a headache. Ibuprofen didn’t do squat, so I tried yoga. Then I threw up.
I’m been feeling a bit lost lately. My routine is screwed up. I try to read the blog entries here, but I seem to always be a few days behind. Wrapping up projects at work, trying to pack during the evenings, and fighting off a wicked head and chest cold have kept me away from my usual practices.
I’m a creature of habit. I like consistency and security.
I’m throwing that all away for a chance of a lifetime.
I’m freaking out.
I’ve wanted to respond to recent Open Calls, but I haven’t had a moment to sit still and write.
My response to the “Why I Write” and “Fear” Open Calls is wrapped up nicely in one sentence.
“I write so I will not be afraid.”
Because I am very afraid. I’m afraid of getting lost, of looking like an American idiot, of not belonging, of failing…
“I see my path, but I don't know where it leads. Not knowing where I'm going is what inspires me to travel it.” Rosalia de Castro
This adventure is the chance of a lifetime. I will not let it pass me by. I refuse to let fear stop me. It may screw up my stomach, wake me up throughout the night, or give me headaches, but it will not stop me.
I will conquer this fear. One way or another. Because…damn it…we’re going to Europe!
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“I write so I will not be afraid.” I couldn't have written that better myself, but it boils down to that, in so many ways, doesn't it?
As for this: "Because I am very afraid. I’m afraid of getting lost, of looking like an American idiot, of not belonging, of failing…"
Looking like an American idiot is not so different than just plain having an idiot moment. Getting lost? Happens all the time . . . you will find your way. Not belonging? Sister, you are truly one of those people who will find connection wherever you are. Failing? Impossible.
((((Gwen)))) Better?
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Mark Twain
You will be fine. You will have an experience of a lifetime, replete with good times and bad times.
Thankfully, for us, you will also write about them here, so that we can vicariously enjoy it with you. :-D
Go get 'em, Gwendolyn. Remember, Europe is just New York with funny accents.
And, just think, MATERIAL MATERIAL MATERIAL (for writing)
"Pickwick goes through life with that godlike gullibility which is the key to all adventures. The greenhorn is the ultimate victor in everything; it is he that gets the most out of life.... His soul will never starve for exploits or excitement who is wise enough to be made a fool of. He will make himself happy in the traps that have been laid for him; he will roll in their nets and sleep. All doors will fly open to him who has a mildness more defiant than mere courage. The whole is unerringly expressed in one fortunate phrase - he will always be "taken in." To be taken in everywhere is to see the inside of everything. It is the hospitality of circumstance. With torches and trumpets, like a guest, the greenhorn is taken in by Life. And the skeptic is cast out by it."
-G.K. Chesterton
In my sometimes hapless (and ultimately happy) adventures abroad, I've found this to be true. Have a marvelous time, Gwendolyn. Don't worry, you will always be where you are. Life's for living.
Deep breaths, sweetie. We will get through this.
I am envious.
You are about to embark on something unforgettable. I'm so excited for you!
Rated.
Owl: you just made me cry and feel so much better. Thanks for always knowing exactly what to say.
cartouche: Yes. I will write fearlessly even if almost everything else I do is with fear hanging on with it's tentacles.
Thanks, Bill. ;P
Stud: You are so right. (As always.) Everything that happens to me gives me something to write about.
Elisa: thanks for reminding me that it is conquerable. I just have to keep walking forward. You rock, girl.
consonantsandvowels: I can't believe you quoted Chesterton to me! That's awesome. And you're right...I am where I am.
Ash: Always write. Always breathe. In and out. Thank you for understanding.
Juli: You're an inspiration to me. If you can run a marathon, I can live in a foreign country.
Shannon, Densie, GreenHeron: Thank you!!! You have no idea how much this support means to me.
lorianne: What do you know? I was closing my eyes. Okay. Opening now. Good. Still breathing.
Thoth: Thanks! I do love Canadians.
My experience of traveling is that there are so many wonderful, helpful people all over the world. Even in countries that seem to make a living off ripping off tourists, if you get out of the tourist areas, you meet a totally different person.
In Tunisia, in the tourist markets, the traders seemed like rip-off artists who only looked at you as a potential mark. But outside tourist hell, when we were lost, people would go out of their way to escort us through a maze of twisty streets until we got to a main street or our destination.
Bon Voyage!
rated!
I'm an idiot.
Put me on any continent.
I shall remain the same.
But maybe that's just me...
;-)
Happy travels...freaking out is OK...stay in touch..and stop trying to read blogs and go get a massage!!!
And good for you , that you're aware of this fear and facing it down by going!!
You know what they say:
"Move forward in the direction of your fears, for that is where your life may be found."
On the other hand, if instinct tells me to vanish from a scene, I advocate running to safety!
Have fun outside the U.S. And write often. We'll all still be here.
oh, and what bill s. said, too. mwah mwah. go with the goddess.
You'll be great. The thing about going someplace unfamiliar, where people live? There are people there. And, as placebo says, "Material!"
I'm pissed off...wait, that's not the right word, I'm discgusted, I'm outraged, and I don't know how to get the info out to people except by writing.
I may not do any good. No one may even listen (which y'all proved me admirably wrong yesterday), but at the end of it all, when I go sliding into homebase, done with my life, I can honestly say I did the best damn job I could.
Rated.
Ride the horse in the direction it's going.
I left for Europe the first time at 23, my kids much earlier. The world is round, follow it back to where you started and I promise you won't fall off.