Another vague look at the obvious in an effort to attract readers to the Daily Mail, apparently.   

(Note: The interpretations in italics are not intended to represent any character, real or imagined and are subject to change without notice, with or without SSRIs coursing through my veins.)

  How to Make Him Fall in Love

The short answer: Take him on a rollercoaster ride. Or bungee-jumping. Or whitewater rafting. Literally.

It turns out that the stomach flips, adrenaline and screams associated with any white-knuckle event create a rush of the hormone that makes us fall in love, reports London's Daily Mail of new research from Richard Robinson, author of "Why the One You Fancy Never Fancies You."

That hormone is called phenylethylamine. An important component in the science of attraction, it is secreted when you see someone you really like. "It is the hormone of euphoria. It is the hormone of joy and ecstasy," Robinson explained to the audience attending the British Association's Festival of Science in Liverpool, England.

White knuckle event?  Joy and Euphoria?  Call me crazy, but a white knuckle event typically gets associated with.  "I'm going to die.  I'm going to fucking die.  Holy shit, I am going to die."

And, given a person thinks they are going to die, they likely look at the person of the desired sex closest to them and figure, "Well, beggars can't be choosers, and if I'm going down, I might as well go down or be gone down on, first." 

 We are talking about men remember.  A woman with whom I recently had a conversation about what one would do if they knew the world was coming to an end said she would want to meditate.  I said I would hope to be with my significant other and go out making the beast with two backs.  It's heartening to know that as the mushroom cloud descends upon us, couples everywhere will be having that age old fight as the nuclear radiation melts their skin away.

Why do we keep blaming Eve?  I mean, at least she gave it up, right?  Read the bible, ladies.

Here are three tips to help him fall in love with you, according to Robinson:

Ooh ... I bet these are incredibly earth shattering.  No doubt Mensa chapters everywhere want to form book groups to discuss this.

• Don't wear perfume. Letting your own natural scent take precedence over an artificial one will help him sniff out important clues about your genetic make-up. Mind you, he'll have no idea he's doing that, but this will subconsciously help him to fall in love.
  
  
• Translation:  Men are primal.  They're also pretty stupid.  Don't waste the money on expensive scents.  Besides, if you put too much on such that it follows you around like a dust cloud, the poor guy might get some in his eyes and think you maced him.  Go au naturel.
  
  
• To really impress him, keep conversation to a minimum.
  
  
• Translation: STFU?  Men have been telling women that for years.  As Mary Kelly has mentioned, Chris Rock says "Feed me, fuck me, now shut the fuck up."  I've maintained all along that men are not complex beings.  We focus on the two F's of Food and Fornication, and if something has to give, we can always order take out.  You can lose the cook book as long as you lose the inhibitions.  I mean, have you ever seen a dour, uptight woman with a lot of staff?  No!  Even Leona Helmsley looked like she could buck you over the head board, hence causing her poor husband's dementia due to too many head injuries, that little mynx.
  
  
• Concentrate on your appearance. Look your best. First impressions are typically based on how we look, rather than what we say.
  
  
• Translation:  First off, does this really need to be said?  "Look your best?"  Come on.  What are you going to do?  Find some baggy clothes, stop shaving your legs and arm pits, throw away your deodorant to protect the ozone layer, buy a beret and start smoking Gitanes while lamenting the destruction of civilization?  That might land you some starving artist who's hung like a hummingbird, but that's about it.  Of course you need to accent your positives.
  
  And if you are under 30 and somehow came upon this blog by accident, let me suggest to you that wearing tight clothes may not be the right answer.  I see so many attractive, younger women with a slight amount of belly pudge hanging over the belt that's also bared for public viewing based on a shortish top.  Muffin Tops are no more of a turn on than cellulite until such time as the launch sequence has been activated and there's no turning back.  
  
  To hell with truth in advertising, ladies.  Sometimes less is more.  Conceal a little more.  Make it more of a fan dance.  Gypsy Rose Lee pulled it off into her 70s with feather boas and a couple of large fans.  She needed neither a pole nor her grandmother's brisket recipe.

So there you have it ladies: the secret to landing a man in three easy steps.  Go easy on the perfume; dress in a manner to accentuate your best features; and keep your damn mouth shut.

Oh yeah, and make sure he's been scared shitless, first.  So he feels lucky to be alive and none to choosy about who he's with.

And people actually pay for studies like this?  You could have figured this out watching a PePe Le Pew Looney Tune Cartoon from the 1950s for crying out loud.

I am in the WRONG market research business segment.

First in an intermittent series of vague looks at the obviously idiotic.