Another mindless internet blurb struck my attention like a shiny object to an ADD-addled teen who forgot to take his meds. Someone commissioned a study to determine our fitness personality types. There's five they developed.
These alleged “findings” happened to have been presented at the American College of Sports Medicine's Health and Fitness Summit held in Atlanta, Georgia.
Their five types include the following:
1. Squares
These are the most reliable, stable and predictable exercisers, who thrive on routine. Squares tend to develop rigid schedules for themselves, so while they get to the gym regularly, they don't see progressive results because they hit plateaus doing the same thing over and over.
Advice: Squares should try a new activity weekly and switch up the routine just a little while still pursuing the familiar schedule and practice.
Gwool Advice: You're anal-retentive and boring. Maybe if you lightened up people would not find you so fucking insufferable, and you wouldn't have to hide your dreary existence by chaining yourself to a treadmill. You get nothing out of this because you are so rigid about it. You get that, Rain Man? Once in a while you can blow off Wapner and do something else.
It's a pity you are going to be so healthy and long lived. I mean, for what?
You have no life.
2. Rectangles
Although they are a little more flexible than squares, rectangles still thrive on order and routine. They especially enjoy group exercise and perform best with social interaction.
Advice: Join a fitness club, running group or hiking group or take fitness classes instead of exercising alone.
Gwool Advice: Ok. So you are not a robot like Rain Man up above. You have a shot at being reasonable. But you are going to have to be careful. Join the wrong fitness club and you will be co-opted by those uptight robots. You do not want to go there, do you? But, by all means, join a group. Spandex can make just about anything turn into reasonable work out eye candy. If you're a guy, be careful with that.
You have a shot here, rectangle person. Do not fuck it up.
3. Triangles
Competitive and driven, triangles are task-oriented and thrive on repetition when they are working out so they can monitor their progress and revel in their successes.
Advice: Since triangles need to have exercise goals, find another competitive partner and train together for a specific event, or each of you can set individual goals and compete against each other to be the first to reach it.
Gwool Advice: Yeah, that's right. Don't ENJOY the exercise you uptight, Type A piece of shit. Make sure you turn it into a contest so you can remain uptight and angry about it all the time. Whatever you do, stay away from steroids to get that incremental edge. You're wrapped tight enough as it is.
Fuck, what are you doing with something this simple? Go spend huge amounts of cash and go make yourself miserable out on the golf course. Walk it lugging around $1,000 worth of metal sticks that will keep you awake at night. Ruin you marriage by being away from home too much and then showing up half lit and pissed off because you three putted and lost big bucks in the Nassau.
In between that and locating a divorce lawyer, find the exercise that can cause the most pain and break that body down faster than nature does if left to its own devices. Push yourself right into the ground. You want that toned, emaciated look in the casket while your estranged wife practically draws blood biting on the inside of her lip to help her manufacture the necessary tears to pretend to give a shit that you're dead in the first place.
4. Circles
As the social butterflies of the exercise world, circles are emotionally driven. They are spontaneous, fun-loving and will not exercise alone. They love group exercise and really enjoy being with a trainer. Circles are the most common type among the fitness personalities.
Advice: It's easy for circles to spend more time socializing than exercising, since they like the camaraderie more than the workout. Either seek out a nurturing trainer who will motivate, but not push too hard, or exercise in a group setting.
Gwool Advice: I suppose hanging out in gyms like this to make friends is healthier for you than bars, but your fun loving persona is not going to fool anyone. You better bring the STD test results with you before anyone is going to want you anywhere near them in the locker room.
If you start out a little on the hefty side, be sure to maintain the smile and pick up some spandex. For the love of GOD, pick up the spandex. But remember that there is a time and place for everything including chit chat.
Someone pounding away on a treadmill waiting for the heart rate and core body temperature to kick in so sweating begins and the pain of the routine subsides is not going to want to try to grunt acknowledgement to you as you mindlessly prattle on about how shit faced Paula Abdul looked on American Idol last night. Those poor bastards are going to wish they had amonia in their water bottle so they could squirt it in your eyes to drive you away from them and get you to leave them alone.
Choose your words carefully, cupcake. That's all I am saying.
5. Squigglies
Outgoing and fun-loving, squigglies hate routine. They are the polar opposite of squares. If an activity is not totally fun, enjoyable and exciting, they'll quit.
Advice: Create a varied exercise plan that includes classes and new activities.
Gwool Advice: Stop kidding yourself and throw in the fucking towel. Yeah, you heard me, give it up. Let me guess. You have $150 roller blades with 5 miles on them. You have a $400 mountain bike with 50 miles on them. Your running shoes look brand new and you do not have the heart to start mowing the lawn in them because some day you are going to put the snacks and the clicker down and pound your doughy ass around on the pavement.
Give it up. Stop kidding yourself. Save money and resign yourself to hypertension, diabetes, and drawstring pants. The adage that life's too short actually applies to you, because your sedentary life is going to be too short.
Go find a chubby chaser and get busy. Your time is running out.
Ok, boys and girls, which category are you?
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Comments
High-larious, as always.
Sandra: That could have some real marital benefits, I would imagine, but will leave it at that.
Sheldon: I got tons of drawstring pants. Zubaz are still in my wardrobe, sport. Don't you have some dog shit to collect?
Leonde: I toyed with adding a couple of other categories. That happens to be what the study concluded. Remember. Somebody paid researchers on the order of $1,000 a day for their time compiling those findings I excoriated with my italicized comments.
Lea: I suspect the majority of us identify with squigglies if we're honest about it. Likewise, you can get great deals buying used athletic equipment from squigglies. I have a great elliptical machine that lists for $1,600 that I got for $450...
Mrs.Michaels: I will not take the bait.
~;0
(Do not, ladies, jump all feminazi on my ass, it is a JOKE!)
Jocks who are Docs
or
Docs who wanted to be, but failed as Jocks.
"Draw" your own conclusions which faction wrote this report.
Ask me about my work gym membership (been paying for 2 years; used twice).
You'll like this: I used to have a fitness business with contracts to run gyms in federal office buildings. Worked out the IRS (squiggles in step classes), plus the FBI and Secret Service (triangles, duh) in prep for their quarterly fitness tests.
Favorite task: running them up and down 8 flights of concrete stairs yelling, "MOVE YOUR FAT ASSES, YOU MAGGOTS!" Am I a fun gal or what...
BTW, I'm Gumby damn it! I can fit into most of those categories.
Okay, I'm not really. I am a triangle, man.
And now I've earwormed myself with They Might Be Giants.
I'm a square that's come undone- complete flatline- well, semi vertical line attacked to a computer anyway
rated.
Brenda Gail: Woman please. A watermelon? These morons used shapes, not fruit. Would this make you an ellipsis?
OE: Jocks who are docs. Wonder if they try to put the square peg in the round whole or vice versa.
Verbal: I did that once, and hence moved to the monthly billing plan on that one. I did have a membership to a golf course prior to the dot.com implosion that factored out to about $3,000 a golf round one year. I just go to driving ranges now and play in best ball tournaments for charity.
Sandra: See above re her cost per sit up, I have that beat. And yes, I suspect Mrs. Michaels sneaks up on a lot of people like that. You know, like a bad rash?
Stellaa: Hell yes. You gotta channel your inner squiggly. I usually get into triangle mode over mental pressures and then need to physical beat the brain into submission rather than any burning desire to be able to look at my feet again. I mean, who cares what they look like?
Sally: I always sense you were a frustrated dominatrix. This just re-enforces that image.
Trudge: I know. You see those horseshoe-in-the-ass wealthy folks and slap your forehead regretting why you didn’t get there. That’s me and comedy writing bay-bee.
AnniThyme: Not sure what you were talking about other than the triangle thing. Keep up the good work!
Onecorgi: walk your dogs and try not to eat out of their bowls. That ought to tone the body real fast for you.
Croberts: thanks for stopping by and do not think yourself alone on the rectangle-to-kid-to-squiggly-to-stretchypants-explosion.
Hbylaean: Glad you liked it. Come again anytime!
Mungular: Fucking brilliant? Wow. You’re going to give a middle-aged male a case of the vapors. Thanks for the kind words.
Mary, Mary, Mary: You are just proving my line about the fact you can go a day without sex, but you cannot go a day without rationalizing. You are a square. Embrace the inner square. And don’t bother buying Christmas cards because nobody cares. (You know I love you.)
Ms. Chariot: Badminton is blood sport where I come from. Something tells me the same might be said for Monsieur Knightwriter’s family as well. Volleyball and Croquet gtet pretty testy as well. Nothing like leaving your feet for a spike save in volleyball and crashing into the stone wall.
Tom: My dearly departed father-in-law who was also an inveterate old liberal named Tom gave me a subscription to the Nation one year for Christmas. I returned the favor the next year and got him a subscription to National Review. I am a big fan of The Week, which is like a people magazine for political junkies. You should check it out.
Lisa: Daygone makes sense to me on some levels.
Iamsurly: All depends on what gets you to wriggle, I guess.
Jimgalt: I bet girlie men cascade throughout the geometric nomenclature. Chili dip a wedge shot around a green and see if you aren’t called a girlie man, for example.
Great post!
I do walk. At my own pace.
Brie: You got that hard body, it's just been protected for shipping by being encased in bubble wrap!
Wanna go outside and play?
Yeah.
No shape describes me, besides huge planet-like person with their own gravitational pull of dumbass moons. :)