W had to lose the gut.  He couldn't decide what to do with it, and he was the deciderer, goddamnit!

 ***

Should I wear the gut in or out today?

That happens to be a question most men ask themselves quite frequently.  Study after study shows we’re becoming human Crisco containers, which means, for men at least, their stomachs are getting bigger and bigger.

And so, in the morning, once we pull up the pants and begin sucking in air to close said pants, we have to ask ourselves, “Do I want to wear it in today or out?”

Now, skinny guys with six pack abs rather than flab from too many six packs don’t really have to answer this question.  There is no gut.

We hate these people.

For the rest of us, it’s a regular question.  It’s a question whose answer likely has to do with the size and scope of said gut.

Wearing it in:

Wearing it in can take on many meanings.  It could mean that you are on the way down, having dieted enough that said gut fits in your current pair of pants.  This likely uplifts you as you encourage yourself to keep losing weight such that you can move a size down and, well, and begin to wear the gut out again as you try losing more weight.  It’s a great feeling, having that gut in, but you also look at the baggy pants legs and want to get a size lower.  Your junk still is not on the radar screen.  You need tighter pants until such time as Congress mandates penile implants be covered by medical plans.  You know that bad boy isn't getting any bigger, so you might as well shrink that which surrounds it, right?

That’s the positive spin to wearing it in.  The negative spin is simply that you have completely thrown in the towel.  You have embraced your newly enlarged waist size, and have surrendered to your sloth.  You have already passed into the “4s” as in a waist size that begins with the number 4, so what difference does it make?  You are officially a bloat fish, and you have thrown in the towel.

These guys are a little scary, particularly if one is looking at perhaps a waist size beginning with a 5.  If that belt ever lets go and the pants fall below the gut, then those bad boys are going to be down around his ankles faster than Bill Clinton’s when they buzzed Monica into the Oval Office.  Nobody wants to see that.

Nobody.

These guys also have the difficulty of trying to find a piece of leather long enough to wrap around their waists.  It is interesting every once in a while to take a good look at the belt and the way it contorts around love handles and whatever else the Crisco container is packing.  I know.  I have disfigured belts hanging in my closet. I feel so ashamed.

So there you have it.  Guys wearing it in are either on the way down or simply done trying.

If they are really, REALLY done trying, then you are going to see these guys wandering around all the time in sweatpants with drawstrings.  They have no intention of finding out their waist size anymore.  Just pull on the Champions and get busy on that pizza and twelve pack.  With any luck they can grab their wife's ass on her way by them in their recliners as she goes to change the laundry.

Wearing it out:

The styles for wearing it out are so varied as to be hard to summarize.  The simple approach happens to be the Barney Rubble/Fred Flintstone method of simply leaving your shirt untucked.  A little gut flab hanging over the belt gets camouflaged by the polo shirt or T-shirt.

It fools no one.  The fact the shirt sticks out several inches from your pants rather than laying flat against it tells everyone all they need to know about your belly status.  Sometimes the cloth forms a little bit of a triangle from stretching out around the gut.  This should be a warning signal to the owner of said gut that said gut is definitely up for a larger waistline and soon.

We all know this look.  We see it in sitcoms all the time.  John Goodman in Roseanne Barr’s show, Kevin James in The King of Queens, and James Belushi According to Jim all have this “look.”

Still want him ladies?  You can get that at home, you know.

But older folks and, dare I say, professionals have to wear the gut out, but the shirt tucked in.  This can be a tad comical.  This look becomes one of necessity.  Dress pants in general and suits in particular can be very expensive.  You start adding the tonnage, and you simply have to drop the pants below the gut, suck it in, get it cinched, and then tighten the belt so you do not pop the button or disfigure the metal clasp.  

You can’t fit into the suit coat anymore, so you drape it over your arm and hold it in front of your stomach in hopes of hiding the fact you have about 5 inches of flab hanging over your pants.  

That’s the wearing it out with the shirt in style borne of necessity.  No one says the individual in question likes the look, they just can’t afford to super size the suit clothes just yet as money is a little tight.  Either that, or they are hopeful that walking behind the push mower before taking the Mrs. out for a six pack, a 16 oz T-bone and a Blooming Onion at the Outback will be enough to shed the thirty pounds in a couple weeks.

But what of the guy wearing the polo shirt tucked in and stretched tight across the stomach with the back of the pants hiked above the love handles and the front shoved down damn near the pubic bone to accommodate the Pony Keg surgically implanted in their mid section?

What is up with those guys?  Do they have no shame?  Are they comfortable in their own skin?  Do they have some magical powers with their tongue that convinces them they don’t need to stay fit to attract someone?  Are they so loaded none of the above matters and, indeed, the fact they look like a coronary waiting to happen is actually a positive in the eyes of the types of gold diggers they seek to attract?  Is it simply blissful ignorance?

Think Big Pussy in the Sopranos.

I have never been able to figure those guys out.  You see them all the time.  White belt, checked pants, polo shirt, and a some ridiculously bad comb over.  You can sometimes throw in a gold chain, lots of chest and back hair, and a pinky ring for good measure.

I would kill to be that comfortable in my own skin, but am not so sure I would want so much skin, if you get me drift.

Then again, it could be the snub nosed revolver they keep on themselves at all times that gives them that air of confidence.  No one's going to call them out for being a ridiculously fat shit if it's going to get them two in the hat, you know?

Epilog:

At the end of the day most men will have dressed across that entire spectrum as their weight goes up and down over the years.  There’s the suit in the corner of the closet we put on every now and again only to alarm ourselves at how impossible it would be to wear.  There’s a favorite pair of jeans. 

At the start of the day, however, most of us have to make that decision.  Are we wearing the gut in or out and the shirt tucked in or out?  I won’t say it’s as paralyzing for us as it is for the fairer sex.  Society’s a little kinder to men as they age than it is to women, but it is something we have to do.  We pat that thing.  We scratch it.  It's a paert of us, and we need to make accommodations for it.  It isn't easy being male, ladies.  It isn't easy.

As for me?  It’s rather nice to be able to tuck a polo shirt into my jeans again, although I am thinking of sneaking down a size whereupon I might be forced to wear it out again.

Not sure if I am ready for that.

- 30 -

In a double blind study it was determined those who rate posts generally lost 15 pounds in the course of six months as a result of the added exercise and joy associated with the practice.  Hop to it, fatso.