Post Coital Cuddling or Something Out of the Karma Sutra?

Come Here Baby.  Screw Me Like a Prairie Vole! 

Yeah, you heard that right.  Screw me like a prairie vole, and I'll never want to leave you.

 There’s yet another study that seems to be a vague look at the obvious.  Research from Florida State University studied the effect sex had on relationships between Prairie Voles.  Seems when big daddy Prairie Vole gets his tubes cleaned, it releases dopamine.  Dopamine, apparently, is the chemical that allegedly plays a key role in getting humans to return to sources of pleasure such as food, sex. Cocaine and three stooges reruns. 

So love, then is addictive, per the study.  You have sex, you release Dopamine, you want to come back for more.  I didn't realize it was dopamine I was, uh, releasing, but if the guys in teh white coats say so, then who am I to judge?  And who the hell wants to over anaylze it, anyway?

 Perhaps this explains the phrase “being screwed senseless.”  I still prefer the joke suggesting men are like linoleum floors in that if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.  I realize it does not say much for the will power of my gender, but a dead on bull’s eye could not hit any closer to home. 

Still, I am a little taken aback at being put on the same level as the prairie vole.  The male vole apparently releases dopamine after doing the nasty with the female vole.  In so doing, the male becomes monogamous “to the point that the male shows signs of aggression towards other females.” 

Why is the male getting pissy with other females? Is there some inherent lesbian action going on in VoleWorld?  Apparenlty a three way with your mate's girlfriend is not a big fantasy for the male prairie vole. 

What’s so threatening to the male prairie vole about a female prairie vole hanging with his mate?  Do female prairie voles get together and gossip, talking about what an asshole the male prairie vole is?  Do female prairie voles have "fight buddies" who help break up troubled relationships?  Is that the problem?  Are the female prairie voles heading out, well, out to the prairie to have lunch and shit all over him for being a lousy provider?   

I mean, they’re prairie voles.  What’s there to provide?  They have brains the size of walnuts for crying out loud, which is probably why the researchers figured they were a good substitute for post coital human males. 

The researchers apparently figured this out because the post coital prairie vole releases dopamine to a part of their pea bran called the nucleus accumbents which humans apparently have.  When these scientists blocked the activity of a specific protein triggered by dopamine, the males lost their strong preference for their mate over other females. 

How does that protein get blocked in humans then?  Is there a useful life for said dopamine injection after which there’s immunity to it?  Does incessant nagging in one’s ear block that protein?  What about repetition?  How’s that impact the protein?  What about the sounds of little prairie voles whining and demanding attention?  What’s that do to the protein?  Do prairie voles pay bills?  Get laid off?  Put on beer goggles and start checking out the other prairie voles?  Surf redtube?  Do their in-laws ever try to sneak in and chew their faces off while they are sleeping in dopamine-induced state of post coital bliss after a little prairie love? 

Shirley there’s a few more nuances in the human condition that result in the protein influence paling in comparison to these other factors.  I realize men are not complex beings.  I am the poster child of this simplicity.  Life gets ruled by the two Fs of food and fornication, and, if something has to give, we can always order take out. 

But, still, how smart are prairie voles?  Do they have any long term memory?  Could it be they always look upon their mate as a new found being?  How far back does their memory go?  Hell, how long do they live, anyway?  To death do us part is a rather open ended phrase, that might not seem so daunting in a prairie vole’s life arc, but it certainly has far reaching implications in humans. 

And, of course, the biggest unanswered question of this study happens to be who got the job of watching the prairie voles go at it so they knew when the male of the species had gotten his rocks off so they could study it?  How do you write that up on your resume?  Vole Voyeur?  Furry philanderer?  Were they tasked with setting the mood for the prairie voles?  What do prairie voles like?  I am sure a little Barry White wouldn’t hurt.  Do you get them a specific kind of grass or mud to burrow into?

But who the hell would want to find that out for a living?

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That prairie vole is eyeing you.  You know what to do if you know what's good for you.