Compuserve did it again with yet another useless article to titillate.  This time it is about 50 great places to have sex.  Divorcing and 50, having sex is great regardless of the location as long as I am not doing it alone. 

 I do feel a little like Rip Van Winkle, given I haven't dated since Reagan got shot, and, given where I am now, I kind of wished I'd been able to get in front of that bullet.

But have things changed that much?  What happened to knocking them over the head and dragging them back to the cave? 

 Here goes.  I have 12, 13, 14 done.  That's all I'm saying ....  

 In the Great Outdoors

1. On a porch swing.

 Ok, maybe.  I think one would want to make sure it was weight tested.  Having the bolts undo in the throes of passion might make for some lingering back injuries.  Given the warranty has expired on mine and there's some odd density on the L11 that moves around, I think I might take a pass.

2. On the grass with no blankets.

This is fun?  What about bugs?  Getting nipped at might make for more movement among the lifeless, but why no blanket?  Grass won't leave rug burns, but really.

3. On a secluded island beach.

Ok.  But that's tough to find on a limited budget.  Sand adds friction.  Not sure that is the desired outcome when seeking to make the beast with two backs.  I think I might want my blankie.

4. In the backyard under the stars.

Sure.  WITH MY BLANKIE!

5. In the woods after it rains.

I don't mind 4Wheeling in the rain, but lovemaking?  Mud baths? Bugs?

6. On the beach at night.

Gimme a blanket, and I can get down with that.

7. Outside in the rain.

What is up with all the water sports?  A tent?  Sure.  With the windows open, sure?  But water?  What's the matter with a shower?  At least that way you can get your back washed to boot.

8. Under a rainbow.

Leprechaun sex?  Kinky .... 

At Home
9. In your not-yet-finished new house.

Sure.  If you are building a house, you are likely with contractor over-runs and broke.  Get to it before you stop speaking to one another about finances!

10. On top of the washer...while it's running.

Like we don't understand the nature of that one.  I have short legs.  Stools pose an added degree of difficulty, but what else is there to do waiting to sort the laundry?

11. On a soft rug in front of a fireplace.

Droll.  Soft rugs might assist, but rug burns can be a challenge.  Make sure the screen is in place.  A hot ember to the ass might result in a sudden movement not welcomed by the, uh, recipient of your ardor.

12. In bed with silk or satin sheets.

Slippery.  Traction becomes a problem.  Put the pillows on the floor in the event of a high speed roll over, either that or get some stay lines to lash yourselves to the headboard.

13. In bed with rose petals all over.

Yeah, that worked well for Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.  Why not just shred a $100 bucks instead.

14. In the hot tub.

3 Words: Egg Drop Soup.  

15. On the roof.

Asphalt grit from the shingles?  See the comment re: friction for sex on the beach.  Add a degree of difficulty and do it when it is 95 outside.  That'll keep you moving if your technique leaves something to be desired.

16. In the garage.

Well, that is where the power tools are stored, after all.

17. On your patio, balcony or deck on a starry night.

Ok, now you are talking my language.

18. Under a sprinkler in your yard.

Oh come on.  That certainly might not get you invited to the next block party.  Hell why not rut in that fashion during the block party.  You know?  Get big with it?  Then run for association president on privacy concerns.

19. In every room in your house.

I have a big home.  I am 50.  I am no vending machine.  That might take a long time. 

Show Your Athletic Side
20. In the weight room at your gym.

Kind of reminds me of the gay baths in NYC at which Bette Midler performed (vocally) before being discovered  by Johnny Carson.

 Not my bag, as I don't swing that way.  But, if I ever get sentenced to prison, I might check it out as a way to acclimate before going to the big house to become Tiny's love slave in exchange for protection and Marlboro's.   

21. On a pool table.

Does no one remember Big Dan's?  I suspect that one has challenges.  Slate is not terribly forgiving, either.

22. On a trampoline.

Kind of like a water bed, but why be discrete?  Go for it.  An X rated Cirque De Soleil routine could be in the offing.

23. On a jungle gym at night.

Just reminds me of the old joke about the parapalegic girl with the punch line from the father being, "Don't worry about it, the last guy left her hanging from the tree."

24. In a swimming pool.

Chlorine to the delicates.  How about a lake instead?  Again, water is not lubricant, people!

25. On horseback.

Well, better than with the horse, I guess.  Wait for it ... Talk to Mr. Ed ...

26. While scuba-diving.

Explain THAT drowning accident. 

Only Daredevils Do It in Public
27. In an elevator.

OK.  Time the crescendo for when it is opening up at a floor with a bunch of Shriner's or Aluminum Siding Salesmen waiting to get on to hit the early bird special before going to listen to Vic Damone in the lounge.  Do not time it for their way back from the lounge, lest you wish to turn it into a tag team match.  Those boys are hounds when they get liquored up on the company expense account.

28. In a library between the stacks.

Cue the porn music, take off the glasses, let down your hair, and then freak out some leet speaking EMO dweeb with more cuts on his arm than a sliced up tube of Deli Bologna. 

29. On an amusement park ride.

Why not?  Bring the kids.  Nothing like a like interactive sex education for the unwitting.  It'll take their mind off being afraid of the roller coaster.  Hang onto the clothing.  An underwire bra to the eye could be devastating to a little kid.

30. In a deserted area of a zoo. Get wild like the animals!

Sure.  B&E is good on a person's record.  Anything for a toe curling thrill.  When done go to the monkey cage and fling some poo at them, going, "Eat your heart out ASSHOLE!"  Then wiggle your thumbs and go, "See these, they're opposable, baby." Pause a little and then say, "I guess it sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

 Then go for an encore under the sprinklers, because I suspect you will be covered in Monkey shit.  I am sure they are jealous of those opposable thumbs and what the female participant can do with them.  

Mrs. Monkey will be pissed at you for having raised Mr. Monkeys expectation level.  No doubt they will be talking in Chimp with her going, "But my feet?  What about my feet?  She can't do that!  Cut me some slack.  On the bananas you bring home, you are lucky I stick around this dump." 

31. In a deserted top row of a concert hall during a concert.

Why not invite the band over to play a serenade while the crowd waves back and forth with lighters flying in the air?

32. On a bed at a furniture store.

Well that is one way to negotiate a reduced price based on the floor model having been, uh, soiled.

33. Under the bleachers during a sporting event.

Why under?  If you are on the back row of a concert, why the modesty with sports fans?  I guess concert goers get stoned and romantic, while sports goers get drunk and testosterone fueled pretending they could perform better than the pro athletes back in their day on the JV team.  Perhaps it is the fear of jeers and boos for doing it wrong?   Nobody likes monday morning quarterbacking in this pursuit.  I am surprised no one hasn't taken a hit out on Dr. Ruth, that little prune.  There isn't a pair of beer goggles large enough to raise interest in that concept.

An American Tradition: In the Car
34. In the car during heavy traffic.

Why not? High speed isn't bad either.

35. In the car on the side of a deserted road.

This assumes you lived in a bubble during your teenage years, I guess.

36. In the bed of a truck on a hot summer night.

Sounds like they stole this one from Bill Clinton and his grass-carpeted El Camino.

37. On the hood of your car on a deserted gravel road.

Why not the trunk?  Miatas are a good height.

38. On a motorcycle.

I swear they are throwing in a few ridiculous ones to see if we are paying attention. 

Make Love While Traveling
39. In an airplane restroom. Join the mile high club!

Every man's dream...  with the Swedish Stewardess that no longer exists thanks to deregulation and cost reductions.

40. On a train in the middle of the night.

Ok. Do dirty subway cars count?  How do winos multiply, anyway?

41. On the deck of a yacht during a full moon.

Sure.  We all have access to yachts.  Maybe you can put it out on craig's list to help some financially strapped LBO vulture make ends meet.

42. In a hot air balloon.

See 41 above. 

Enjoy Nature in a Whole New Way
43. On the loft in a barn full of hay.

Bring the Claritin and some band aids.  I have thrown hay.  Best done fully clothed.

44. In a field full of wildflowers.

Bring Claritin and a blanket and I am on board.

45. By a waterfall with the water misting all around you.
46. Under a waterfall.

Brings new meaning to the term "Over/Under."

47. Outside during sunset.

Ok.  But I still want my blankie.

48. Under the full moon in wet grass.

Again, what is up with the water.  It is NOT a lubricant, people!

For the Truly Daring (or Stupid)

Oh, only these two are stupid or daring?  Nailing the beloved under the bleachers or at a concert is tame.  I forget these were hilarious, ground breaking episodes of the I Love Lucy Show when Fred and Ethel Mertz got busy at a Sinatra Concert while Desi and Lucy did the nasty at a Brooklyn Dodgers game while she let the popcorn popper overflow.

49. In front of a video camera.

All depends on where you put it I guess.  HDTV might not be the best look for everyone, particularly if you have a pimply ass trying all the beach, water, rain, sprinkler system suggestions.  I mean, who do they think I am, Flipper?

50. In front of your Web cam.

Why not.  Concert goers and sports fans just aren't a big enough crowd for such stuff.  Nail the partner in the library first and then invite the Emo Dweeb over to set up the cameras for you.  Those dolts know technology.  It can be an information exchange.

 Well.  There you have it.  I guess I have led a sheltered life.  Then again, I am a repressed, middle aged WASP.  Kind of reminds me of the old joke that goes like this ...

 What did the WASP male say after sex?

Thank you; I'm sorry; it'll never happen again.

 And, if I acted on some of these suggestions, it likely WOULD never happen again. 

But a word of caution ... do not enter a hot tub after me if I have a smile on my face.