Gwool

Gwool
Birthday
February 25
Bio
Weather beaten, divorced father of 4 through a lot of changes and far happier than I have been in my entire life... in spite of the day to day crap coming my way. The ability to find the humor in it all and maintain a sense of openness and respect with those with whom I choose to share my free time, makes it all worthwhile. Expect intermittent rants of whimsy as time permits. And maybe the occasional political rant to get my left leaning friends all in a dither.

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Salon.com
Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 30, 2009 11:42AM

Who Invented the Bike Seat? A Woman Scorned?

Rate: 17 Flag

The bike seat has to be one of the more painful devices known to MAN.  A skinny little thing on which you place all your weight and the point at which you place all your weight happens to be a part of the male anatomy on which many men place all their hopes and dreams.

 The prostate.

I have heard women grouse about the tools used in gynecological exams, saying they had to have been developed by a man.  I know for a fact this is true, as I am friends with the inventor's grandson (or maybe it is great grandson).  If family traits get passed along, then it is a safe bet grand dad was not much concerned with asking for directions "down there," if you know what I mean. 

speculum

That's Right, Ladies.  Come to Papa ...
(Picture from eBay.com)

 But at least those metal flesh thrashers can get warmed up and lubricated.

Not so much for a bike seat.

bike seat

... But Payback's a Bitch! 
(Picture Courtesy of www.bikeseats.org)

I rationalized bike seat pain was driven by my weight.  Too much pressure on the taint from the tonnage above said taint.

Tonnage gone and newly relocated back into a community in which I had enjoyed raising my children, I was eager to get out on a Rail Trail that came into being shortly after I had left town.  It was also, truth be told, one of my biggest political miscalculations as a selectman, to boot.  I did not expect it to be that popular and have been proven dead wrong.

I hate it when that happens.

So out onto the Rail Trail I went.  I found my old bike shorts with the spandex and the rubberized equivalent of a maxipad.  Through the weight reduction the spandex liner was now loose rather than formfitting, but the pad still hit the appropriate spot, as it were.

And off I went with the iPod going to check out that which I had not expected to have been a huge community asset.

The ride went well.  It goes by a river with small inclines here and there akin to putting an elliptical machine on a programmed path of similar exercise, and I kept the mountain bike pretty much in its highest two gears and rolled along.

For about 15 minutes.

Then the taint started sending subtle signals to my brain.

"Psst.  This thing is uncomfortable."

"No it isn't.  You have fear.  Think of what it would be like with a 70 pound sack of potatoes on my back and thank your lucky stars.  Besides, this is a padded bike seat, I bought specifically for you, you little diva, remember?"

"How could I remember that, asshole, this bike is twelve years old and has not been used by you in ten."

"Relax.  It'll be fine."

"Okay ... just remember I told you so."

"Shut up and keep me on the seat.  I don't want road rash."

I kept checking for usual signs of fatigue I had recalled previously when riding the bike.  The legs stayed strong.  The back didn't hurt thanks to raising the handle bars.  I had no clue as to where I was going, and decided to simply do it by time to keep the first trip out on the trail reasonable.  A half hour out, I would turn around and head back, given the ride out was more uphill than down.

Getting off the bike a half hour out for some water and a quick body damage assessment check was fairly heartening.  The twice operated knee did not ache.  I did not limp around.  I was not gasping for air.  No arm or back aches.

But I walked around the trail like a toddler with a messy diaper in his pants.

And the taint was far less cordial in the signals it sent.

"I told you so, dumb shit."

"Whaddya talking about.  This will be fine."

"Yeah right.  Go ahead.  Get back on that torture device.  I dare you."

And, sure enough, there was instant soreness upon returning to the bike seat.  

The return trip took far less than expected at about half the time it took to go out.  There was a fair amount of standing on the pedals and a far more rapid pace to the pedaling.  Let's just say taint fatigue trumped minimal leg fatigue on the way back home.

Like so many things, the taint fatigue really did not hit until the morning after.  I was given instant signals as I swung my legs around the side of the bed and sat up this morning to cautiously check in on what was going on down there.  I imagine it is a feeling similar to what a man might feel waking up after their first night in prison after he had been on the receiving end of prison rape from their bunkmate Tiny to whom he had relented in exchange for protection.

I mean, I don't mind a little soreness "down there" from time to time, but prefer it to have been in the pursuit of some passionate lovemaking.  I do not appreciate it coming from the pursuit of endorphins to take my mind of such things as well as to keep the body and mind in shape such that I can attract willing participants for same. 

The taint was not buying this rationalization being sat on by me on the edge of my bed this morning. 

"I told you so, asshole, but you didn't listen."

"Look.  We'll work this out.  I promised my daughter we'd go out on the rail trail today at lunch time given she has a half day of school.  You going to be able to make it?"

"Not a chance, fool.  Not a chance.  I'm ruined."

"Don't be such a drama queen.  Guys ride bikes all the time."

And so I sit at my PC wishing I had an inner tube beneath me wondering what the deal is.  Who came up with these devices?  I seem to dimly recall bikes being invented in Paris.  The French are supposed to be great lovers.  How did they concoct such a device?  

What sadistic person invented this contraption?  

All I can think is that it had to have been a woman scorned over there in the City of Love who designed this thing to take it out on her miserable lover to prove a point.  Kind of a "How do you like it, you asshole?" thought process.

Either that or perhaps it was my friend's grandmother as payback for various cold, metal speculums tested on her person as part of her husband's R&D efforts.

Either way, my taint will never trust me again. It's been violated by a bicycle seat for the last time, it tells me.

Little does it know ... 

 

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Comments

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You should be ashamed. A man your age, throwing the word "taint" around willy-nilly. Who do you think you are - Steve Blevins?
What?!?! Women hate those weenie bike seats! Can you even imagine how that feels on the tender parts down yonder?!? I have to put a fatty seat cover on mine and wear padded bike shorts!
I ride in the city. Love those potholes Ouch.
R
for ten or fifteen bucks, you could probably hire a teenager to warm & lube your bike seat for you ~
Haven't you had enough of these misadventures yet, to do some critical thinking before you pursure the activity rather than the 20-20 "hind"sight we're accustomed to reading...a note to Ann, a lubed bike seat made me throw up in my mouth (more than a little).
Having once been an avid bikey and ridden from Orlando to Tampa in a single painful day, I can assure you the bike seat you pictured is a recliner compared to the edge of the razor-blade Italiano seat I used to ride on. Hell, in the good old days, seats were nothing but a piece of leather stretched over an aluminum frame. I've always wondered if Lance Armstrong's testicular cancer might not have been brought on by too much time in the saddle. Ride on, Wimp!
I'm laughing so loud that I'm afraid the neighbors are going to think I've been burgled.
Bicycle seats aren't that comfortable for women either- exspecially when ridden for long periods of time.
Nah...those things are painful for women too! And that one you have posted is a real chubby, cushiony one!

My hubby is one of those "in love with the bike" kinda guys who rides over 5000 miles a year...yes, you heard me right. Even in the winter. His seat is thin, tiny and hard...I don't know how he does it...but his bum is about as hard as the seat now! (But round and cute...sorry...TMI, I'm sure!)

Anyway...I feel your pain!
Sheldon: Taint is a universally accepted term among us homo sapiens.

JC: So a few women posted in the replies.

John: Mountain biking in the woods offers a similar experience.

Imom: That avatar picture looks like it might have been taken after a particularly cold cervical exam. Your grandmother didn't invent the bicycle seat, did she?

OE: I will not go quietly into the night my man. Good to see you back.

Tom: Yeah, I was wondering about Lance myself.

Caroline: Thank you for the desired response.

Tai: So JC mentioned.

Yekdeli: 5,000 miles on a bike is not my idea of a good time, even if it was motorized. But I know I need exercise, and Kayak season is coming to a close in New England, so ....
This is my saddle:
http://www.brookssaddles.com/en/Shop_ProductPage.aspx?cat=saddles+-+road+%26+mtb&prod=Swift+Titanium

So quit yer whinging!!! Sounds like you need your seat adjusted more than anything else :)
BlueSurly: Methinks I would prefer riding on an ice cold, open speculum.
Yikes!!!

The Brooks is actually very comfortable, and trust me when I say I'm really not a sadist :)
Sorry to hear about it, man - I'm afraid you're going to have to invest in a different bike seat!
I thought I'd read it all here, but NO, you have surpassed all others by giving us snappy dialogue between a taint and a bicycle seat. For that alone I will forgive your Obnoxious Republicanism. I'd continue but am laughing too hard.
This is what padded bike shorts are for sillies. Excellent post G...you're on a roll.
Try giving birth, dude. ;) But we women always say that, don't we?
You were never supposed to sit on the seat, you walk on the pedals. The seat lets you relax a little between each step. I once rode at least 100 klicks a day for 32 days, once in a day and a night I made 250; I was broke and getting hungry. If I'd had an american flyer style seat, it would have eaten my legs off at the hip within the first three days. Properly adjusting seat and handle bars is critical, but a real bike ain't an exercise machine. Get over it
The taint and the bicycle seat. What a combination. You;re quickly becoming one of my OS favs. Rated.
Bike seats are the work of the devil, but just think what it would be like to ride a bicycle without one. EEK!!

;)
I could have written this. I gave up cycling years ago.

Nice!
Blue: I may trust you, but my taint ain't.

Owl: Picked one up at Eastern Mountain Sports for short money I intend to mount before I mount the bike again.

Sally: Actually it was my taint and my brain, not the bike seat. Bike seats don't talk to themselves like brains do when working out or grinding teeth at night. :)

Mary: I had on bike shorts. Not good enough. Perhaps the padding has lost a certain je ne sais quoi with age. (Where are Morticia and Gomez when you need them.)

SweetFeet: Child Birth the ultimate smack down card.

RaggMopp: I'll get there.

Roger: Thanks. Keep the cards and letters coming. My taint might not appreciate it, but my over inflated ego does. :)

Tink: I think riding a seatless bike might be akin to a prison shower.

Rich: I figured my lament was universal among the male species.
If a man had invented that seat, I'm sure he would have made it look like a woman's face. That's all I'm saying.
O'Really: Likely correct, but also fashioned in such a way to insure no sound could come out of said face's mouth ... That's all **I** am saying. :)
My mom bought a three wheeled bike with a large basket in the rear recently. Then, she begged me to try out her new bike. When I say that bike seats hurt, I'm not just talking about the skinny ones. That three wheeled bike had the widest seat I have ever sat on - on a bike and it was worse than the skinny seats.
Tai: You are NOT helping me! :)
A wonderfully clever conversation between seat and seat there! I enjoyed your essay greatly.
In addition to suspecting that a woman designed the bike seat, I have to add that as a child I was always suspicious of the difference between a man's bike and a woman's bike. It never made sense to me that the one with the balls got the bike with the bar.