The nitwit headlines on the Compuserve Banner got me again like a shiny object to an ADHD-Addled Adolescent. This one simply said:
Online daters are not known for telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth in their profiles.
Well no shit, Sherlock. This is new news? Equally as shocking happens to be that men and women lie about different things. Men lie about their height and their income (and likely their penis length, but it wasn’t asked. Perhaps it is too obvious.) Women lie about their weight. Men and women both lie about their age.
Men want people to believe they’re six feet tall and making at least $86,000.
Women want men to believe they weigh 118 when in reality they average 148 pounds.
Both sexes want prospective matches to believe they’re in their 30s when the truth is the average online dater happens to be 48 years of age.
The study did not offer real numbers for men’s height or earnings potential, although I think a question about whether or not they still live in their mother’s basement would be a reasonable screening question to drill into the accuracy of their earnings potential. Height is a crap shoot.
When it comes to weight, I think we all operate like laissez-faire State Troopers. We’ll give you 10 over or maybe 15 if you’re big boned and fit as muscle weighs more than fat, but 30 over? Who the fuck are you trying to kid, Shamu? That’s an insult to our intelligence unless you happen to be some 6’ 8” toned football lineman. But if you are packing an extra 30 pounds on a 5’ 4” female frame or 5’ 8” male frame, we are going to be able to figure it out. And how do you get a picture of yourself that allows that fib to pass? Do you take it into a funhouse mirror or do you simply photo shop your head onto a runway model?
And a 10 to 15 year age differential? What is it with age? Why is it such a big deal? It is what it is. I don’t care what my age happens to be, I know damn well I have not matured beyond late adolescence. It comes out in my writing, if nothing else. How is some graying matron nearing 50 going to pass herself off as some pert early 30 something if -- when someone yells “Show me your tits!” -- she can do so by lifting up her skirt rather than her blouse?
Similarly, how is some guy with bifocals, male pattern baldness, and with limited ability to maintain an erection harder than a foam (little) finger going to pass himself off as some high wage earning mid 30s Gordon Gekko clone?
This would seem to suggest that internet dating would be doomed for failure. Not so said this study. Couples who meet on line marry, on average, after 18 months rather than couples who meet in more typical ways who marry on average after 42 months. A year and a half versus three and half years. The online daters can figure this stuff out a full two years earlier than traditional daters.
Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Does this mean the online dater is more discerning or more desperate? Given the propensity to lie about weight, height, age, and income, it would seem to suggest the on-line dater happens to be more desperate.
This seems borne out by the fact that one in 10 on-line daters is a sex offender and that the Porn Industry blames online dating for a $74 million revenue decline. It would seem the average online dater is a hormonal storm looking for a port.
So the quick move to marriage could be this hormonal urge among the desperate. Or perhaps it means the on-line dater who tells the truth seems like such a prize among the broken toys on Geppetto’s work bench that is the land of the desperate internet dater that folks leap at one another when there’s actually truth found in the on-line advertising.
And what is to be discerned from those who leave aspects blank? What if they leave body type blank? That cannot be a good sign, can it?
What if they leave height blank with which I have had personal experience. Does this mean they are the Jolly Green Giant or a Keebler Elf? What if you expect one and it turns out to be the other? What then?
I went on two first dates with on-line connections. The first, considerably younger than I, fondled a salt shaker during the whole process and asked me how my penis compared to said shaker. I'm of English descent. I'm not packing a pepper grinder.
The second, a few years older than I, seemed reasonable enough until such time as she opened the second bottle of wine whereupon her head seemingly spun around as she regaled me with stories about her husband now a woman on the West Coast and how he/she had ruined their sons’ lives.
I fled from each wondering what the hell had happened to me. In neither case did these women lie about their income, age, height or weight.
They did, however, lie about their sanity.
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Deven McKay
Dr. Strangemom
Duane Gundrum
Tea Scrolls
MarkinKentuckiana
David Price
Salon.com
Comments
I think the biggest disappointment in online dating is "meeting" someone charming and witty who just turns out to be a douchebag all around. This can be said of either men or women.
The big lie is that most women are obsessed about what the man looks like. Is he handsome enough?
While we men use think we were pigs, because all we were concerned about was the container, most of the women who talked about walking on the beach and finding a soulmate were about looks first, personality and character second. Which would have been fine if they put that in their ad.
Well done, my friend. Rated.
But 30 pounds? 120 and 150 are rather large swings.
OE and Walter: Women worry about looks, OE says, and Walter says it is money first and then looks? Perhaps the fact I am an unemployed quasi modo has something to do with my personal dry spell? Who knew? :)
Oh well, think I'm going to take the yacht out on the bay. Which bay? ALL OF THEM!!!
~~Wanders off~~:D
The reality is that there are multiple things that make a person physically attractive, and there are tradeoffs. If you pretty and boring, I won't want to kiss you anymore than you are interesting but have bad teeth. The difference between friend and lover is attraction.
I'm grateful to that I've been in a solid relationship for several years so I'm no longer taking my chances on the freak show.
Nikki: I'm a a 36 year-old 6' 2" former college cornerback making $250,000 who wants to settle down with a mature older woman. PM me, baby.
Bikepyscho: Be thankful. It's a jungle out there.
I went online a couplea months back, and it seems I found me the only honest man on the Internet.
Then again, he's 6'4". So that helps.
;-)
This was a scream.
Cranky: How about Clooney's dad instead? :)
Denise: No lying about height there. Glad you liked it. You sound as though you know whereof I speak...
Don: I am looking to surrender, myself.
Rita: 5' 11" and either fit or athletic build. Can't recall. Put in N/A for income. At first it was humility. Later it was because I was unemployed, and now it is because it is uneven contract work. But I was NOT living in my mother's basement, goddamnit!
(But that is only because she's dead, or she would have let me.)
AS far as weight goes, since when did being underweight and starved looking become the new norm for attractive?! There's not much to hold onto at 118 lbs., nor does one get the standard "hand full" or mouthfull" at that weight! You get more woman at 140 and likely one with a better self image. So happy I am not playing the dating game but have real empathy for those who are putting themselves out there, looking for love or companionship and simply being vulnerable. Good luck!
Dadhihi: $35 for religion jeans? What the fuck does that mean, you alien asshole. Take your tacky wares and peddle them elsewhere. I fart in your general direction. I would tell you that your father was a hamster and your mother smelled as elderberries, but that would actually be a compliment, you douche bag. Who do you honestly think is going to buy a product from you? I wouldn't buy a fucking ice cube from you if you were the last vendor in the Sahara, you dirt ball. Fuck off.
I met my new husband the old-fashioned way, by a friend's intro, and I really liked the fact that there weren't dozens of emails waiting on our computers from other hopefuls. I found that an unpleasant byproduct of online dating and made me uneasy.
And I agree that small, rounding error type mischaracterizations are no big deal, but when you hear these stories of someone shaving 15+ years from their age or 20-30 lbs from their weight, sheesh! What kind of reaction are they expecting when they meet one of their dupes?
-R-
Mrs. Michaels: Refer to Dylan Thomas.
Nikki: I can make exceptions.
Buffy: Would moronic Compuserve Headlines lie?
Strawberry: Your tale seems to coincide with that of the average time from bedding to wedding from the article, you brazen hussy, you.
Ame i: That’s actually a sweet story you tell.
Lea: Yeah, it’s bizarre. I imagine for women it is greater as I think there’s far more pings going your way than towards men.
Nelson201047: Sexy? Personality? Maturity? You’re 0-for-3, asshole.
Fgijh: Your mother obviously named you when her mouth was full. Would she’d have figured that out earlier so you would never have been born.
Abrawang; Right, we all do the white lies. I always say we have all proven we can go a day without sex, but you cannot go a day without rationalizing. A few pounds here, a round up there on height. What’s the big whoop. But orders of magnitude?
Imom: I thought it was because you were desperate and I am compassionate. Or is it the other way around/
LadyMiko: You left out in the bathroom stall and under the bleachers.
I have friends who are doing the online thing. Trust is so much harder when you're taking so much on faith, and when there are so many options. But I suppose that's true of dating IRL too. The fact of the matter is that technology has so shortened our attention span, and increased our belief that there are SO many choices out there, that it can be hard to make a connection. We're too easily distracted, and our expectations are high.
I still think that the best way to meet people is to get out into life -- take up hobbies and pursue interests and you'll likely come across people who share your values and your outlook on life. That's how I met my husband.
I also wonder whether the difference in speed of courtship is a factor of the age thing. I think when you are older, you take less time to make up your mind, because you know what you want and don't want. If online daters are older than the regular population, I have to wonder whether that has something to do with why they marry faster.
As for what women want, looks and income are nice, certainly, but for me there is the necessary element of a brain. Sooner or later, you gotta roll over and have a conversation. And for me, good sex is as much about frequency as what you're packing in your shorts.
Last fall, (divorced 5 years) I did a 3 month stint on eHarmony. I had great conversations with several interesting guys (not sure if it was the sight or me but most were engineers, engineers, attorneys and engineers - for real.)
I met five, 2 more than once and one for several months and not one was less or more than they represented - weight/height/income/education, etc. Mostly, it was that chemistry was lacking.
The biggest exageration I found was the "I love to camp too" comments from guys who went camping with boy scouts 30 years ago.
That being said, I have met a heck of a lot of jerks, married guys who say they are not and yes, an abusive bi-polar player - in real life and through friends.
Honest people will be honest online and liars will be liars in life, not just in their advertising.
Maybe its me, but if I don't make the income I say or I am unhappy with my real weight - shouldn't I be doing something about it instead of posting to dating sites? (go ahead, ask my weight, my age and my income. )
My theory on the timing thing: people who go to these sites want a relationship and not just a date, they are emotionally ready for it and seeking it and shaping themselves their time/life to make it happen - so there is not that "I love him but its a bad time, my kids need this, my job needs that," you get when you randomly meet someone.
My feeling is - life is damned crazy - who do you want with you when you get that dreaded phone call, when you are waking up from surgery or just plain feeling blue? Fun I can have any time. But at those real times, I want a real honest guy.
In the meantime, I might settle for a Saturday night date...
I like okcupid.com, I don't have a profile up but there are weird questions and fun tests. I learned if I were a dog I'd mostly be a Lab. And I think I'm 65% male in thinking. Okay.
I did the whole stupid eharmony questionnaire and they rejected me! I am NOT kidding. It's frustrating, all those millions of men I can't screen out, sigh. Rated for some reason.
I actually have found the women to be the less truthful and trustwothy.
They are also the most judgemental and fussy.
I'm a navy veteran and have posted my pic online in a couple of sites.
Click on the link here~~
SAILOR BOY
I can't imagine that any woman would say that I was fibbing.
After all, it's my official U.S. Navy portrait.
Use a picture taken long enough ago to match your in-shape statement and your on-lineg age. Show neck up if you are very Rubenesque.
Use Photoshop to brighten teeth, remove lines, lose weight, and make your tool as long as an ordinary farm animal.
Penis length are not all abject liars. The just measure from a different starting place. Size counts until you get married, then it doesn't matter..... I'm told.
Women don't have to give stats other than age. They will get replies anyway unless they are older than Betty White.
Read Harv: http://theHARVview.blogspot.com
Lainey: The key to marketing is to calibrate the proper expectations. Far better to be view as a well preserved 58 year-old than a “ridden-hard-put-away-wet” 35 year old with high mileage and lord knows what communicable disease in the past that makes them look so long in tooth.
Madame V: Hard to say. Few have commented saying they lie through their teeth on their on-line ads, so it is tough to say. Perhaps we’re all delusional.
Mary: Easy for you to laugh. You don’t have to write up a profile of yourself for the meat market.
Liz: A brain as a requirement? You’re so shallow, Liz. Really. As for age and quick to decide? Perhaps it is impatience with dallying with folks in which you know you have no interest given you know there’s more of you in the rear view mirror than lies ahead. Who knows?
Diotima: Fake personals are always a riot. Unemployment, obese, male with mother issues seeks independently wealthy super model to be his financier and love slave. Latent low self esteem a plus.
Aunt Mabel: What have you got against free sex? You like paying for it? :)
Lady: You, the OS horn dog, have to ask that question? Only thing to check on happens to be the strength of the stall lock.
Roger: I know the feeling. And I’m not married anymore other than in a financial sense.
VZN: I’ll look for a number. Wear a body condom going in, though.
Cinammon: Some seem to want to go on a quantity versus quality bender. To each their own.
Sandra: consider yourselves lucky.
Tom: You old hound dog you.
Stellaa: You may be right. It also conjures up the old joke of someone holding up two fingers really close together while saying the reason women suck at math is because they’ve always been told that constituted six inches.
L’heure: Rejected by eHarmony? How the heck does that work?
Aim: Nothing like getting hooked up with someone you tormented. Never had that experience. Never did a blind date now that I think about it.
Blue: We all have our delusions. As long as we’re happy in them, who cares?
Fred: Apparently not sport. I have a 76 eldo convertible and my yacht is a 24 year old bow rider. Shabby chic, baby.
XJS: it is always funny to see pictures giving away the fact they are from another era. Nothing like high hair and shoulder pads to suggest late 1980s photos to try to lure you into what might have been had you knocked on the door a little earlier.
Cap’n: Don’t cancel it. Just put the blow up doll back in the closet as a reserve option and aim higher. :)
Ralph: That is part of it. Or what people pass off as romantic, or how many revert to clichés.
Poet: Hey, hey, HEY! I know it goes both ways. I did my best to skewer both sexes. Blame the article for not having the actuals on men’s height and income from which I could riff. I am only as good as the drivel behind the headlines I rip. I mean, whaddya want from me, anyway? Original material?
My dating years were before the internet so my experience is with personal ads. People lie like Nixon there, too ("I own my own publishing company" really means "I write the newsletter at work.) And the crazy? It made me decide that I'd rather be single forever than meet another man from personal ads. Hubby was a blind date. I hope he lives a long time as I don't think I have the stomach for online dating.
Zanelle: I merely commented on the crazies.
Lisa: It's universal, this lying. It seems made easier with more anonymity hanging out in a basement, staring at a CRT screen, banging away at the keyboard...
Don: Depends on how old you are, I guess.
Gabby: Spammers suck.
So there are lots of current pictures, blunt and simple statements that I am not a thin woman...height and even measurements on occasion (as I think scale numbers look very different on different bodies..)...and I post pictures that are pleasant but not overly flattering.
.....that way I get the "Gee...you are even prettier in person" win 95% of the time....
It's completely selfish..I don't like nasty surprises.
I also like gorgeous men....my definition of gorgeous, though, might vary from perceived norms.
I never understood the liars...who actually MET people in person...I have met men 100 pounds bigger than their photos.. ( I guess because I am not thin I am somehow...desperate for any man, even if he misrepresents himself?)...weird. Why do people set them up for that?
I just like upfront honestly, coupled with sanity and discretion. They can find out how amazing I am in the sack much later..
(snicker.)
Bt suggesting I should use "Shoots first, ask questions later" as a personals descriptor may I ask: What shot did you feel was fired over your bow and what questions would you have had me ask? and I appreciate your most recent post, but it was after all, subsequent to this exchange.