Men.  Sometimes It Sucks To Be Us.
(Photo from Wikipedia) 

According to a recent study found here, men think about sexual intercourse 13 times a day, which annualizes to 4,700 times and change.

I don’t know.  That seems to be awfully low.  Think of those guys on YouTube videos sheething their bad boy in aluminum foil and sticking the reservoir cap into a wall socket.  Previous conventional wisdom claim men thought about sex every 7 seconds.  That’s more in line with the likes of ElectroMAN.

 (I would upload the youtube video, but it is too graphic.  UPDATED.  I found a work safe version.)

 ( I swear, if Woody Allen ever updated the movie, Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask, he would flat out have to run with this concept.  Throwing in Sun Yi, wouldn't hurt, either, the kinky bastard.  You know the joke?  What does he whisper during sex?  "Say, hey, baby who USED to be your daddy?"

 Furthermore, it conjures Jack Nicholson's line in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest after coming to after electric shock therapy, saying, "The next woman who is with me is going to light up and pay off in silver dollars!

 Check out the prongs on that foil-sheethed man meat.  It looks like the pincers on a Salamander.  Likely as robust a physical presence, to boot.

But I digress...so much material flows from that.)

Women reportedly only think about sex 5 times a day, or 1,800 or so times a year.

Well why is this a startling discussion?  To paraphrase Chris Rock on this subject, Men head out to clubs at night wondering if they are going to get laid while women head out at night KNOWING if they are going to get laid.  If women want to go home doing the cowboy walk to sit on a package of frozen peas and recount the moment, they know it is in their power.

So of course men think about it more often.  It takes them way more effort.

The sad thing for men happens to be that, while they think about sex 4,700 times annually, most made do with achieving their goal 104 times a year, or twice a week.  ElectroMan is achieving that result, albeit alone, every day in the shower before heading off to school.  His room is a veritable ammonia factory.

104 out of 4,700 is two percent.  In baseball parlance, that’s an 020 batting average, or one tenth of the hallowed Mendoza Line used for years to mark hitting ineptness.  No Hall of Fame Numbers there, gentlemen.

 A 2% chance to convert thought into action.  Certainly paints men as a two-legged version of the fox and the grapes.  It always seems to be out of reach until such time as the grapes decide to fall, as it were.  No amount of jumping leads bumping.

Here’s another earth shattering finding: Supposedly men wake up with sex on their mind.

Well this stands to reason, doesn’t it boys?  There you are, laying in bed.  You stretch.  You scratch yourself. 

“Oh!” you think of this pleasant, slumbered discovery, “There it is!” 

And then you either recount the prior night’s achievements, or, 98% of the time, rue the fact you were shut out once again. 

Ninety-Eight percent of the time we have to start the day beating ourselves up akin to the way Billy Bob Thornton chided the fat kid in Bad Santa upset at opening his Christmas Advent Calender only to find an aspirin after Billy Bob had pilfered the candy in a drunken stupor.

They can’t all be winners, kid.

So the study is fairly uneventful…

But here’s the kicker.

Of the 3,000 people interviewed for this vague look at the obvious, 75% of men said they were happy with their sex lives.

Ok, we have a 2% hit rate and we are ok with that?  Sounds to me like we do not want to admit to anyone that we suck at achieving our goal.  Who wants to admit they think their sex life blows?  What has happened to us?  Where did that extra X Chromosome go, for pete’s sake?

In that same 3,000 sample size, 58% of the women said they were satisfied.

Well, if you hew to Chris Rock’s adage about sex, then if women KNOW when they will enter into such congress, then they are not very good judges of talent to only manage to be pleased 58% of the time.

Likewise, there could be another issue at play here.  Given the frequency disconnect that leaves ElectroMAN and his peers in tears of frustration looking for love in all the wrong, sockets, perhaps upping the frequency a little would limit the, uh, premature excitement that might be afflicting males leading to this lower satisfaction rate among women.

All I can think of is the poor lad who finally gets to the 2% club and starts acting like the dog in the Beggin Strips Dog Treat ad breathlessly sniffing around panting, “It’s Bacon!”  With that much, uh, exuberance, there’s not likely the requisite measured approach, thereby leading to a self fulfilling prophecy of mismatched wants and needs. 

 If you can last past midnight, that is, stud muffin. 

 Now, if you will excuse me, I have to step out to the grocery store before it closes to pick up more tinfoil.

 Thank heavens for circuit breakers.  Fuses are expensive.